15 Feb “A Boy Defiled. A Man Reconciled.” Part 3
So much has happened since we last talked. I don’t even feel like the same person.
I’ve been going to counseling for the last 6 months. I thought the Corp was hard. Not even close compared to working out my crud. I had a ton of it. Still do but you were right. My counselor has helped me see things that are not the truth, things that I’ve believed about myself because of what happened to me. It’s been f$32ING hard but the best thing I ever did for me. I feel stronger and more comfortable with myself.
I guess I thought that I would always be stuck in that space of what happened. I’ve hated myself for a long time. I hated the fact that I let him do that stuff to me. I felt guilty because I got off and I felt like I was sick SOB. When I started to feel emotions for my girl, I tried to shut that down because I knew that I was unworthy of any of it. I don’t deserve goodness or forgiveness. I’m dirty. I’m broken. I didn’t realize that I could learn to forgive myself.
I’m working on forgiving him, too. I know you say that to forgive someone means that I need to release them from the debt that I think they owe me…I’m not there yet but I know that I need to move towards that. I feel like if I say I forgive him, he’s off the hook for what he did. He’s not off the hook at all. I still feel hate, I think. No. I know I do. I hate him.
So, I’ve been reading the bible. At first it was hard to understand but the more I read it, the easier it gets. I’m thankful that you gave me a heads up about all that cause I wasn’t sure where to begin. I read all the verses you sent to me. So far I like Romans. Maybe because I felt like it doesn’t beat around the bush. It just says it like it is.
Then I read this: Romans 10 vs.9 “If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. 10 For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you profess your faith and are saved. 11 As Scripture says, “Anyone who believes in him will never be put to shame.”
I bawled like a baby. Like the dam broke and I couldn’t hold back the tears. I feel and have felt so much shame. I mean it chokes the air outta me to where I feel like I can’t breathe. And right there in black and white was ANYONE WHO BELIEVES IN HIM WILL NEVER BE PUT TO SHAME. Never be put to SHAME!
I knew right then that God was talking to me and that He loved me and wanted me to understand that He forgave me and that He did have a plan for me but that I needed to give Him my life. So right there, I prayed and asked Jesus Christ to fill my life and forgive me.
I have no idea what kind of a Christian I’m going to be. I’m thinking that I won’t win any awards. Oh, and I’m working on the cursing. Yea, sorry about that. But I do feel different. I feel lighter. I have peace now and that has never been real to me.
I’m thinking that because of Romans 8 “if God is for me who can be against me?” and “neither height nor death nor any created living thing“ (that includes myself, right?) can take me away from God’s love” now or ever so even I can’t screw this up. Right? I love how you explained that. You make it easy for me to understand.
I always thought that I had to clean up to get religious. I didn’t get that it was a relationship.
I’m trying to learn all I can and there’s a pastor at the jail that we work with the guys we hire on the construction site. He’s invited me to come to his church on sunday mornings. So I’m gonna check that out.
Me and my girl are going strong.
She is the sweetest thing I’ve ever known. She is supportive but doesn’t pity me. I couldn’t handle that and she knows it. We have been reading the bible together and praying. It’s brought us closer in a way I didn’t know was possible. I thank god for her and can’t wait to figure this life stuff out together. She’s it for me. I love her. I believe that god has a plan for her to be in my life and I can see how he is changing me so that I can be who she needs, too.
She has a dream to help kids who have been abused and with what my buddies and I are already doing, she is just a great fit to my life. It seems like we’re going in the same direction.
She has agreed to go to some of the counseling sessions with me. I can’t tell you how that makes me feel? I was worried that I’d lose her and she wouldn’t be able to handle any of my crud. She knows the truth because I did what you told me and told her everything. It was the hardest thing I’ve done but I knew it was the right thing to do. She listened and we both cried a lot. She’s sorry it happened to me but not sorry for me. Does that make sense? My mom loves her. They get along great. My mom knows the truth, too.
I’ve also talked to my friends about it and they were the cool with everything. In fact, one of my best friends had something similar happen to him with an uncle and he had never dealt with it. So that’s been cool to see how God has used that to make us even closer and get clear of it, too. I’m praying that he will give his life to Jesus, too.
My friends have been really supportive but they don’t know how to handle me yet. I think they’re wondering if it’s real? So, I just gave them the verses that you gave me and told them to read it for themselves and to ask me anything they want to know. I might need your help with that. Okay? They keep teasing me saying, “You’re not gonna go off and be a preacher now are ya?” I better never say never. lol No seriously, they notice that there’s been a change and they all say that it looks “GOOD” on me. They’re genuinely happy for me and can see that Jesus has changed my life.
Sonya, how can I begin to thank you for all that you’ve done for me? You and I were total strangers and now we are connected forever because of Jesus.
I can never say the words right to make you understand what you’ve done in my life. Because you had the courage to share your story, I found mine. You need to know that what you do makes a difference. It made all the difference to me. This seems such a small thing to say for such a huge gift but thank you for telling me about Jesus.
You didn’t sugar coat it and you didn’t judge me. You also didn’t pity me. I can’t imagine the horrors that you live with every day. You are the bravest girl I know. I’ve learned so much from you and I’m praying that I will be able to help others like you’ve done with me. I’ve got a LONG way to go, but I’m healing more every day and I’m not afraid of the crud anymore. I read the bible and cry now. lol I’ve never been happier.
I’m becoming the man I never thought I’d be.
I don’t know what the future holds for me but I feel confident that I belong to Jesus and I will never be the same and I will NEVER BE PUT TO SHAME.”