“A Boy Defiled. A Man Reconciled.” Part 3


“Hey Sonya,

So much has happened since we last talked. I don’t even feel like the same person.

I’ve been going to counseling for the last 6 months.  I thought the Corp was hard. Not even close compared to working out my crud. I had a ton of it. Still do but you were right. My counselor has helped me see things that are not the truth, things that I’ve believed about myself because of what happened to me. It’s been f$3kING hard but the best thing I ever did for me. I feel stronger and more comfortable with myself.

I guess I thought that I would always be stuck in that space of what happened. I’ve hated myself for a long time. I hated the fact that I let him do that stuff to me. I felt guilty because I got off and I felt like I was sick SOB. When I started to feel emotions for my girl, I tried to shut that down because I knew that I was unworthy of any of it. I don’t deserve goodness or forgiveness. I’m dirty. I’m broken. I didn’t realize that I could learn to forgive myself.

I’m working on forgiving him, too. I know you say that to forgive someone means that I need to release them from the debt that I think they owe me. I’m not there yet but I know that I need to move towards that. I feel like if I say I forgive him, he’s off the hook for what he did. He’s not off the hook at all. I still feel hate, I think. No. I know I do. I hate him.

I’ve been reading the bible. Yeah I know, right? At first it was hard to understand but the more I read it, the easier it gets. I’m thankful that you gave me a heads up about all that cause I wasn’t sure where to begin. I read all the verses you sent to me. So far I like Romans. Maybe because I felt like it doesn’t beat around the bush. It just says it like it is.

Then I read this: Romans 10 vs.9 “If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. 10 For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you profess your faith and are saved. 11 As Scripture says, “Anyone who believes in him will never be put to shame.

I ain’t going to lie. I bawled like a freaking baby. Like the dam broke and I couldn’t hold back the tears. I feel and have felt so much shame. I mean it chokes the air outta me to where I feel like I can’t breathe. I know you understand what I mean. 

And right there in black and white was “ANYONE WHO BELIEVES IN HIM WILL NEVER BE PUT TO SHAME.” NEVER be put to SHAME!

I knew right then that God was talking to me and that He loved me and wanted me to understand that He forgave me and that He did have a plan for me, but I needed to give Him my life. Right then and there, I prayed and asked Jesus to fill my life and forgive me. 

I have no idea what kind of a Christian I’m going to be. I’m thinking that I won’t win any hotsH$t awards. Oh, and I’m working on the cursing. Yeah, sorry about that. I do feel different though. I feel lighter. I have peace now and that has never been real to me.

I’m thinking that because of Romans 8 “if God is for me who can be against me?” and “neither height nor death nor any created living thing (that includes myself, right?) can take me away from God’s love” now or ever so even I can’t screw this up. Right? I love how you explained that. You make it easy for me to understand.

I always thought that I had to clean up to get religious. I didn’t get that it was a relationship.

I’m trying to learn all I can and there’s a pastor at the jail that we work with, who helps us with the guys we hire on the construction site. He’s invited me to come to his church on sunday mornings. So I’m gonna check that out.

Me and my girl are going strong.

She is the sweetest thing I’ve ever known. She is supportive but doesn’t pity me. I couldn’t handle that and she knows it. We have been reading the bible together and praying. It’s brought us closer in a way I didn’t know was possible. I thank God for her and can’t wait to figure this life stuff out together. She’s it for me. I love her. I believe that God has a plan for her to be in my life and I can see how he is changing me so that I can be who she needs, too.

She has a dream to help kids who have been abused and with what my buddies and I are already doing, she is a great fit to my life. It seems like we’re going in the same direction.

She has agreed to go to some of the counseling sessions with me. I can’t tell you how that makes me feel? I was worried that I’d lose her and she wouldn’t be able to handle any of my crud. She knows the truth because I did what you told me and told her everything. It was the hardest thing I’ve done but I knew it was the right thing to do. She listened and we both cried a lot. She’s sorry it happened to me but not sorry FOR me. Does that make sense? My mom loves her. They get along great. Oh and my mom knows the truth now. You were right about that, too. She was sad it happened but it didn’t change her feelings about me. 

I’ve also talked to my friends about it (that wasn’t easy) but they were cool with everything. In fact, one of my best friends had something similar happen to him with an uncle and he had never dealt with it. So that’s been cool to see how God has used that to make us even closer and get clear of it, too. I’m praying that he will give his life to Jesus, too.

My friends have been really supportive but they don’t know how to handle me yet. I think they’re wondering if it’s real?

I just gave them the verses that you gave me and told them to read it for themselves and to ask me anything they want to know. I might need your help with that. Okay?

They keep teasing me saying, “You’re not gonna go off and be a preacher now are ya?” I better never say never. lol No seriously, they notice that there’s been a change and they all say that it looks “GOOD” on me. They’re genuinely happy for me and can see that Jesus has changed my life.

Sonya, (I’m going to cry some more) how can I begin to thank you for all that you’ve done for me? You and I were total strangers and now we are connected forever because of Jesus.

I can never say the words right to make you understand what you’ve done in my life. Because you had the courage to share your story, I found mine. 

You need to know that what you do makes a difference. It made all the difference to me. This seems such a small thing to say for such a huge gift but thank you for telling me about Jesus.

You didn’t sugar coat it and you didn’t judge me. You also didn’t pity me.

I can’t imagine the horrors that you live with every day. You are the bravest girl I know. I’ve learned so much from you and I’m praying that I will be able to help others like you’ve done with me. I’ve got a LONG way to go, but I’m healing more every day and I’m not afraid of the crud anymore. I read the bible and cry now. lol I’ve never been happier.

I’m becoming the man I never thought I’d be.

I don’t know what the future holds for me but I feel confident that I belong to Jesus and I will never be the same and I will NEVER BE PUT TO SHAME.”

If you haven’t read Alex’s story, bless yourself and read it.    

A Boy Defiled. A Man Reconciled. Part 1   

A Boy Defiled. A Man Reconciled. Part 2

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Sonya Brunner

Speaker, Singer, Musician, Worship Leader, Life Coach, Writer, and the founder of Fifty Shades of Grace & the Crud Talk podcast. "I help people learn how to deal with the pain of their past so they can live in freedom. Got Crud? Let's deal with it."

19 Responses

  1. Sonya, you have blessed me today with this story. My husband was sexually abused by a coach when he was young and it caused him all kinds of trauma. He struggled with his sexuality but was too ashamed to tell me about it. I always felt like it was my fault. Like I wasn’t sexy enough for him to want me, but after two years of marriage I finally confronted him and it all came out. He had a sexual relationship with a man after the coach abused him and he too believed himself to be gay. He has been in counseling for 2 years and has had many set backs with his recovery. My question to you (and maybe my comment) is for the spouse that is wondering what do I do now? Everything that I believed about my husband is a lie. Everything I believed about my marriage is a lie. Am I still bound by that commitment? Or is it void because he lied to me? I love him but I’m hurt and I don’t know if I can get passed this.

  2. We love you, Sonya. You are kicking the devils butt and taken names. Praying for Alex and for you as you continue to minister to the world that desperately needs to hear the truth of God’s love.

  3. Oh Sonya, this is just a beautiful picture of the body of Christ loving one another. This young man will forever be connected to you because you were the one that shared Jesus with him. What a powerful ministry you have, my dear. Glory to God!

  4. I would just add that there are a lot of opinions about homosexuality and the only opinion that matters is what God Almighty says in the book. Many individuals that have chosen this lifestyle started out with an abusive introduction to sex (i.e. rape, molestation,) and it was sinful and they never dealt with that. There are consequences to sin and in the case of homosexuality, it can be a death sentence because of the seriousness of disease. Just because someone feels like they were meant to be this way or born this way does not make it true. We live in a world where we are the minority and we’re afraid to say the truth for fear of persecution from the world for being “intolerant”. Better intolerant then they wind up in hell for eternity.

  5. Wow. I don’t know where to begin. I read all of Alexs story and I couldn’t believe how my story is so similar to his. I was 13 when my coach began touching me. He told me the same thing that I was obviously excited so I must ‘want it’. I guess I believed it because I would only have sex with men from there on out. I loved women but felt like I was ‘gay’ because I didn’t know how to relate to women and thought I had nothing to offer a woman anyway. Every encounter with a man was emotionless and numb. It was angry and sometimes violent. Not kind or loving. I felt alone and empty. Reading his story has given me hope. I’m quite a bit older than Alex but I feel like maybe this is my “wakeup call” and it’s my time to deal with my crud. I haven’t been a religious person but I have wondered if god would forgive me? According to you, he will. So can you tell me about that? I feel like he might be trying to get my attention. Help!

  6. Sonya, you are a blessing to us all. I pray that I would have the courage to share my story with the same love and conviction as you do. Praying for Alex. Please pray for my family. We are struggling with our finances right now.

  7. I was touched by a coach when I was younger. In fact, he was prosecuted and everything. I withdrew from everything. I went into a severe depression. My question is how do you stop the nightmares? Do you have those and how have you gotten through that?

  8. No one can know the pain that you have been through, but know that there are many that are praying for healing and freedom in Christ. Sonya, you are a joyful reminder of how good God is.

  9. This was hard to read. The same thing happened to me when I was younger. A coach did nasty things to me and I felt damaged for a long time. I haven’t ever talked to anyone about this but I see now that I’ve got to start dealing with this otherwise I will be a slave to it forever. Will you pray for me?

  10. From the very beginning I’ve been reading and I want you to know that I have begun to ask my own questions about salvation and Jesus and what that all means to my life. I had something very similar to this man happen to me and it was hard for me to get over. I don’t know if I ever will. Will you pray for me as I seek to sort this out for myself? Who is God and what does he want with me? Thank you.

  11. This has really made me stop and think about all the people that have been sexually abused by someone they trusted. We need to do a better job helping these people in the church. Praying for Alex.

  12. Yay God! This is a miracle story. I love to read it over and over again. What a blessing to know that you are doing what God wants you to do. Are you coming to California anytime soon?

  13. I find it hard to believe that anyone could forgive a monster that is capable of hurting another human being in this way. For me, I will never forgive the one who hurt me. Not ever.

  14. Thank you for the update. I have been praying for Alex this whole time and was wondering how he was doing. I love your writing, Sonya. I feel closer to God when I finished with each post.

  15. I wonder how many other “Alex’s” there are in this world? I had a teacher that touched me and I was never the same. It caused major anxiety and lead to a life of drugs and alcohol. I did finally get help with a great therapist and that helped me. I don’t know that I believe in a “savior” but if that works for others, then who am I to question it? I don’t pray but I will say one for Alex. Your conviction and passion for people is obvious. You give a compelling argument for Christ.

  16. This blesses my heart so much, Sonya. I have a similar story to Alex. This gives me hope as I too try to deal with my shame of the past that I can move on and find love. ‘Learning to forgive myself’ struck a cord with me. I don’t know how people handle these violations without Jesus in their lives. Thanks for all you do. Praying for Alex and for you.

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