So what happens when a boy is sexually hurt by a man that he trusted? Now grown, how would he know how to love and be loved?
How would he understand intimacy with a woman? And how would he confidently walk the road of relationships when he’s been hurt and with every emotion he begins to feel, he forces himself to shut it off so that he doesn’t get hurt or hurt others?
This is Alex. This is his story.
“Hi Sonya. My name is Alex and I’m 24 years old and I need to talk to you. Why? Because I am too chicken sh$t to talk to anyone face to face. So there you go. Now you know what I am. I have read your blog and I know that I’ve got crud that I haven’t dealt with.
When I was 13, my football coach was a guy that I looked up to. I didn’t have a dad and this guy made me feel important. I guess I needed that in my life. He would take me out to eat and buy me things for school. We’d do guy stuff, go to games, play video games and I trusted him. So did my mom. She thought that he was a good guy. Truthfully, I think she was thankful for the help and a break.
One day after practice, he was driving me home and asked if I wanted to go to his house to hang out. I’d done that before so it was no big deal. While I was there, he turned on the tv and there was porn on. He let me watch. Then he asked me how it made me feel? I told him the truth. I thought it was awesome. What was I going to say? I hated it?
After that day, he’d let me watch porn at his house, telling me that it was NORMAL for guys and that it was ok.
He would ask me if I’ve ever masturbated and told me how he would do that to relieve tension. He basically taught me how to do that. One time, we were watching porn together, and he started to masturbate in front of me. I remember feeling weird but I didn’t look at him and just watched the movie instead. And so began our routine.
It was normal to me. We’d have pizza, and we’d watch porn. He’d masturbate. And sometimes, so did I.
Then one night, things took a turn that I will never forget. We were watching a video and he asked me if I had ever thought about oral sex. I told him I had never done that. He went into detail to explain how good it felt and how you do it. Then he had me watch a video that had a guy doing that to another guy.
I remember feeling sick like weird, but also feeling guilty because I felt turned on, too.
That’s when my life changed. He began a sexual relationship with me, where we’d have oral sex and I felt like I was another person. I knew that what we were doing was a “secret” and that it was wrong, but I also wanted to be connected to someone. I felt like this guy loved me, like in a father sort of way. I wanted, more than anything, to be loved. He made it seem like all guys did this and that it was a way to make yourself feel good when you didn’t have a girlfriend.
I was not attracted to guys. I really, really liked girls. But, I was also awkward and didn’t know how to approach a girl. I couldn’t imagine that any girl would do that to me, let alone let me do it to her. He would try to tell me that I was gay and that I needed to be with men and that it was okay. But when I announced to him that I liked girls, he told me that ‘no girl would ever want a guy’ that has had sex with another guy.
I told him that I didn’t want to do those things any more.
But he would just laugh at me and call me a liar. He knew how to get me aroused. It took me forever to understand that any time a guy is touched like that, he will get an erection but as a 13 year old, I felt shame. So, even though I told him no, sometimes he’d hold me down and force himself on me. God, it was awful. He would use my own body’s reaction to stimulation and make me feel like I “wanted it”. When I told him that I didn’t want to hang out any more and he got mad and started threatening to tell people that I wanted it and that he would hurt my mom. There was no way that I was going to let him hurt her. I felt numb. I felt sick and I hated him. I hated to be touched. Yet, it still felt “good” too. It was confusing. So this game continued for about another 4 months.
One day, my mom met me after school. The coach had been gone for a few days and we thought he was on vacation or something. My mom told me that he had been arrested for touching boys AND girls inappropriately and that he would not be back. I was angry. I knew that he had tricked me and that he was just a sick a$$h4le. Which meant that I was a sick a$$h4le, too. I hated everyone. But mostly I hated myself. I kept the secret.
I wanted to forget it. But I never could forget.
For the next few years, I drank alcohol, and got into fights all the time. I had a lot of anger. It didn’t matter who I was with or where I was, I would use my fists to get rid of the anger. I didn’t hang out with anyone. I didn’t go out or do anything fun. I didn’t care about anything. I just wanted to be left alone. I barely graduated but I had made a promise to my mom. So I finished for her. I know that I hurt her so much. She didn’t deserve that but I couldn’t tell her the truth. I felt like she would hate me if she knew what I had done.
I joined the Marines as soon as I could enlist. It was actually a good thing. It saved my life. It gave me a purpose and goals for myself. I traveled and got to see many people and places. I also met men that I will forever consider my brothers. When all that stuff happened to me, I never had friends. I wouldn’t let myself get close to anyone. These men accepted me and cared about me. I served for 4 years and then when I got back, I got a job in construction. I really like to build things. I’m pretty good at it, too.
I also help at-risk teens with anger issues, on the side. I teach mixed martial arts and construction skills to these young men. I have a military buddy I served with, that is almost finished with law school and one that is great at construction-high end custom builds. We’re going to be business partners. Our plan is to employ some of these kids to do general labor with the hope of training them in more advanced construction skills. That way they can learn a trade and support themselves.
This is a lot to say, but here is the reason that I wanted to talk to you.
There‘s a girl.
She is beautiful and innocent and makes me feel…everything. I haven’t really felt anything for a long time. But with her, everything is different. I feel like I can be myself. When she’s near me I can’t breathe, yet I feel like I can breathe deep for the first time in my life. She makes me believe that I can be better. Not just for her but for me, too. I feel like I can tell her anything.
Am I in love? Is that what this is? I’m afraid to believe it.
She knows that something bad happened to me as a kid. I didn’t tell her all the details, but she knows the gist of it and has told me that it doesn’t change who I am. I know that I have to tell her everything. She needs to know what I did. I’m scared to tell her. I don’t want her to look at me differently. Or worse, to leave…because she can’t be with a guy that did that. Most of the time, I avoid any relationships. I wasn’t a saint, but I’ve never been with the same girl twice. But this girl has rocked my world and I can’t even think about hurting her in any way, let alone push her into something that she’s not ready for.
I have real feelings for this girl.
For the first time, I don’t want to sleep with her to get off. Oh, I want to have sex. Believe me, I do. It’s really hard to be near her and not have sex. But I want more. I want to sleep with her every night. Sometimes I just watch her sleep and I think ‘could she love me?’ I’ve never felt like this before. I mean I think more about holding her than I do sex. Is that weird? She’s it for me. But I don’t think I can be the man that she needs. And that’s what kills me. I’ve worked hard to better myself. I have a great job and goals.
But inside, I am unworthy of her. I’ve done despicable things. I hate myself for it. I can’t even get up the guts to tell her how I feel about her.
I’m watching my best friends fall in love and get married. One is even having a kid in October. I have never let myself dream of it. I’m so jealous. I want that. I want to be loved. But how? How will that ever happen, once she knows the truth?
I know I’m not gay. I’m not attracted to men at all. But it doesn’t erase the past. I still participated in that. I could’ve fought back. But I didn’t. I’m ashamed of myself that I didn’t have the courage to fight back. What did he see in me that made him look at me and know that I would do that? There had to be something in me that attracted him. The truth is that I’m not good enough for her. It seems like if I really love her then I should let her go, so that she can be with someone she can be proud of. I don’t feel like a man. I feel like something is broken inside of me.
I know what the right thing to do is, but I don’t know if I can do it. I feel like if I was a real man, that I should let her go and give her a chance to be truly happy with someone who is “normal.” Is it possible that God might have sent her to me?
Your story made me CRY. I’m a MARINE. I don’t cry. But I cried for you. Sh#t girl, I cried for me, too.
I felt like I was saying and writing every word myself. I can’t imagine how you’re able to be so strong and confident after what you’ve been through. God, I’m so sorry that he hurt you. It guts me what those so called ‘men’ did to your body. I’m sorry that your mom hurt you, too. I can’t imagine how hard this must be for your husband. I know how I feel about the guy who did this to me. I would want to kill anyone who touched my girl or made her hurt. Please tell me he’s military? Either way, I respect him for how he loves you, Sonya. It’s inspiring to guys like me. And I can tell how much you love him in the way you talk about him.
I want it so bad, but I don’t know how to get it.