05 Aug “A Boy Defiled. A Man Reconciled.” – Part 2
So you’ve got crud, welcome to the human existence. Everybody HAS CRUD. Just because you’re not ready to talk to someone face to face, doesn’t mean that you’re a chicken poop. Can I say “poop” without the big bad marine making fun of me? ha! ha! I’m a Jesus girl and I don’t want to curse.
A chicken poop doesn’t reach out, open up and bare his soul with the intention of changing or getting help for himself. That’s not a chicken poop at all. It is the very essence of courage.
Courage is the ability to DO SOMETHING even if we are afraid to do it; even when we fear that it will cause us pain; to do it anyway.
A coward is afraid to face the truth. A coward would rather live a lie. A coward will hurt others and not care. A coward will make excuses.
A brave man will look at the truth and try to change his life to be a better person. A brave man will learn and grow and love others, even though he has every right to hate, even though it makes no sense to love another human being after such brutal violation – a brave man will be the man that he never got to have in his life.
Strong, truthful, honorable, kind, loving, compassionate, hard-working and generous.
A brave man will not allow himself to repeat what has been done to him. So that means a brave man will do ANYTHING IT TAKES TO GET HEALTHY – even if it means asking a total stranger about her story, so that he might get a piece of truth to use for himself so that he can begin to move forward.
It takes courage to ask for help. It takes courage to look at the CRUD and to revisit the pain that hurt you so badly. It takes courage to admit that you don’t have all the answers.
It takes courage to push through your FEAR, Alex, and to look at the crud and begin to deal with it.
Let me just tell you that I am truly sorry for what happened to you. I’m so sorry, Alex. You were a young boy and you didn’t do ANYTHING to make this happen to you. Of course you trusted this man. He was a coach. He was respected by other adults and the kids loved him. He seemed trustworthy. Of course you wanted to feel important. Who doesn’t? You wanted to feel special. He gave you the attention that you craved.
All kids…all people…WANT to be loved and to feel important to someone.
It’s how God designed us. It has nothing to do with weakness. It has to do with being a kid and wanting to be loved. The groomers know this and use this need to be loved to gain trust and access to those they can control. This man knew what he was doing.
Groomers plan, manipulate and take advantage of kids.
A groomer wants control, and most of the time, they can’t control another adult and get away with it. So kids are an easy target to get what they want. Clearly he didn’t specify between boys OR girls. It’s not about sexuality. It’s about exerting control over another human being.
1 in 4 girls will be sexually abused in their lifetime. 1 in 6 boys will be sexually abused.
There was NOTHING in you, about you, how you looked or anything else that caused him to target you. Groomers search for kids that they can create a relationship with. A team of kids would be an easy way to get access to kids that needed an adult “friend” in their life.
I have SO much I want to say to you. My heart is exploding right now. As I read your letter, all I see is HOPE! I have hope for you, Alex. Let me explain what I mean.
Your comment about ‘thinking more about holding her than you think about sex’ isn’t weird at all. On the contrary. It shows great love and respect that you want to treat her differently, adore her like she’s a precious gift. The fact that you want more with her and you want to be the best man you can be, tells me that you cherish her and WILL keep her safe and protect her heart.
I can tell you what the bible says. God has a perfect plan and that He created sex to be between ONE WOMAN and ONE MAN who are committed in marriage and in covenant with God and each other. It’s a BIG DEAL to God.
See, He knew that there would come a day when ‘there’s this girl’….or “there’s this guy’…. (like happened to me) and God wants you to have the FULLNESS of His joy in all things. That need to take care of her, that need to protect her and love her…GOD put that in you, Alex.
Tell your girl. You must be able to trust her with all things.
I don’t know what she’ll do, Alex. I really don’t. But she sounds like a girl who cares a great deal for you and if she’s the one then she WILL choose you, NO MATTER WHAT. You say that you feel broken and that you’re not good enough for her. If the situation was reversed, would you leave her because she was “broken” or used in such a way? I know what your answer is.
So WHY don’t you deserve the same grace and love as you would give her?
Give her the choice to make her own decision. Don’t make decisions for her. Where would I be if Rick had allowed me to push him away because I was NOT GOOD ENOUGH for him? I’ve written about this very thing in my article, “When Good is Bad – http://wp.me/p4FDQF-1pF.” I almost ruined one of the greatest things to ever happen to me because I believed the lies. I believed satan more than I believed Jesus. Ugh. I’m so ashamed that I did that, but I understand, that because of my crud and those messages that I was given as a kid, that I truly believed that I was unworthy to be loved by Rick. All lies. Don’t believe the lies, Alex.
Are you attracted to men? Are you having sex with guys, Alex? If your answer is no, then you are not gay. The bible has lots to say about homosexual activity. If you had same sex attraction, then we’d be talking about something entirely different here. But ALEX…being forced to have oral sex with a grown man while you are a child is NOT actively participating in the homosexual lifestyle.
A man forcing you to have sex with him is not a “lifestyle”. IT IS RAPE! IT IS SEXUAL ABUSE!
You need to hear me and accept this fact. You were coerced, manipulated, and forced to do sexual acts against your will. When you are 13 years old, and a trusted adult tells you that it’s okay and every guy does this (WHICH IS A LIE) he is a liar and an abuser. He sexually hurt you, Alex. HE DID THIS. He was the adult. You were a CHILD. You said it yourself, he held you down. He threatened to hurt your mom if you didn’t do what he wanted. Holding anyone down and forcing them to do something sexual against their will IS RAPE.
This is the hardest part about sexual abuse. Our bodies are designed to be aroused when they’re touched in such a way. We all know this. But what happens when we SHOULDN’T be aroused? When it’s wrong to feel good or like it? I can remember feeling just like you described. My body liked the feeling but HATED it at the same time. Why? Because that was not the way that God intended for sex to be.
You like girls. In fact, let me just tell you.
YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH A GIRL, ALEX!
But that seed of doubt is there because you believe you didn’t fight back to try to stop it, therefore you MUST have WANTED it to happen. Alex, why didn’t you fight back? Could it be because you were 13 and he was an adult and you weren’t sure what he would do to you if you fought back? Could it be that you were afraid that you would lose that relationship…the fun part of connecting in a healthy way with another person? When you are a kid, having a man in your life IS A BIG DEAL. Could it be that you were afraid that he WOULD hurt your mom?
Would you think less of me if I told you that I didn’t fight back? Because I didn’t. Not ever.
I said NO! I told him that I didn’t want to do those things, but he did them anyway. I did say no. But he would slap me when I did. Most of the time he forced me or he threatened to hurt my mom. Not only did he threaten, he delivered. I watched him beat her bloody in front of my face. Why didn’t I scream for help? Why didn’t I call the cops? Because I was scared to DEATH! Why didn’t I shove her away or hit her back when she blamed me for “seducing her lover” as she beat me daily? Why didn’t I leave when the authorities asked if she was hurting me the first time?
I was scared.
I wanted to protect her. That’s messed up, I know. I didn’t want her to get in trouble but I was scared of her all at the same time. She would try to kill me. I knew in my heart that she would do it. Several times she strangled me to the point of passing out, so I knew that she was capable of killing me. I was afraid. It WAS confusing. I loved her and I hated what she was doing to me all at the same time.
You say that clearly, God has forgiven me. But you don’t expect Him to forgive you. Why? Is my sin BETTER than yours? Is it less offensive? SIN IS OFFENSIVE to a HOLY GOD. All sin. The bible says that there is not one who is good. Not one! No one DESERVES to be forgiven, Alex.
But God in His mercy, LOVED US SO MUCH, that He sent Jesus to die for our sin. He knew that we could never be good enough on our own, so He had to make a way to rescue us from our sin. So He sent His Son, Jesus, to die and take our punishment for that sin upon Himself. He saved us! He chose us.
Don’t you see what’s happening, Alex? You are NOT your past. You have risen above it. You are helping others, because of what happened to you. You are helping them be MORE so that they can move forward and not be held captive by their pasts. THAT IS BEAUTIFUL! Admirable. Encouraging.
You wanted to be different so you chose to be different.
Now I’m going to ask you…no I’m BEGGING YOU… to GO THE DISTANCE. I strongly encourage you to get counseling. Find a good counselor that will listen and give you practical tools that you can begin to implement into your daily life. It’s important to do this. I think it will be invaluable to you for your personal growth and mental health. Dude, DO THIS! Take ownership of your life. Make a choice to get yourself healthy. DO NOT TALK YOURSELF OUT OF THIS HELP and SUPPORT. Take the next step for YOU.
Don’t be afraid to look at the crud and then work your tail off to work through all of it so that you can be free. So that you can be the man that you want to be. God has a plan for your life. You think you found my story by ACCIDENT? You KNOW that’s not true.
From the moment I got your letter, I’ve been praying for you. My heart hurts for you because I know that you’re hurting. Alex, you NEED to believe what I say now. You are NOT alone. You are NOT your past. You are NOT any lie that you’ve believed about yourself. GOD ALWAYS TELLS THE TRUTH. He says you are worthy and that He will forgive you and YOU MUST BELIEVE HIM.
God has chased after you, He’s drawing you to Himself so that you can have a relationship with Jesus. He wants you to be free of that shame, the guilt, the anger, the hurt.
I placed my faith in Jesus Christ and He saved me. He forgave me. He made me new on the inside and gave me life-changing skills to change everything in my life. My thoughts, my beliefs, my dreams, my words, my actions. He changed all of it.
Giving my heart to Him was the SCARIEST thing I’ve ever done. Giving Jesus the power and trusting Him to not hurt me, was the HARDEST THING I’ve ever done. But even in the fear, I KNEW in my heart that it was the right thing for me. I gave Him everything. And He has NEVER failed me.
He wants a relationship with you, Alex. Will you give him your heart?