“For the whole law can be summed up in this one command: Love your neighbor as yourself. But if you are always biting and devouring one another, watch out! Beware of destroying one another.”
I’m bruised. I’m bleeding and I lie there, afraid to move. I’m not okay. I feel split apart. It hurts so bad, I can’t even cry.
I watch my mom’s boyfriend gather the money and count it. He doesn’t care that I’m naked underneath the bills. He’s counting and counting. He stops and looks at me. Then begins again…”$30, $40, $50, $60, $100…” and all I can hear is his voice…counting the money. When he’s finally done, he laughs.
As he unties my hands, he caresses my cheek and I flinch. He doesn’t like it when I flinch. So he grabs my face and squeezes hard and says, “You must REALLY like it, dirty girl. You did GOOD! Next time, you’ll do even better.”
That was the first time I was ever SOLD. I was 5 years old. Sometimes it was one man at a time. Most of the time it was multiple men. I can’t tell you how many men have raped me. And I can’t tell you how much money they paid…
And it has haunted me. How much DID they pay?
What is the going rate to watch a man rape a girl? What were they willing to pay for their “turn” to brutally rape and torture a little girl?
Some of these men had wives, kids, DAUGHTERS…so how much did they pay so they could get off on hurting a child? What was it about me that made them be okay with doing this?
Was it worth the money? Was I?
My secret has been the SHAME that I have carried deep down inside because of this humiliating part of my past. I have obsessed over how much money he made for selling me; how much someone would pay to have sex with a child. Was it $100? $200? More? Less? The idea that someone could sell me like a piece of property, pass me around and have zero remorse for ripping me apart…for what? $200, $300 bucks? But what if they only paid $50?
I’m not gonna lie.
This. Guts. Me.
This has been the thing that Satan has used to mess with me when I’m weak and at my darkest moments. And I’m ashamed…so ashamed…to admit, too many times I’ve let him.
If it was a bunch of money, after all, it is the almighty motivator of the world, right? Then somehow this would prove that there was a reason to do those horrible things to me; to any human. If there was lots of money being made, then there was a reason…a value…I was VALUABLE.
But if there wasn’t much money driving the demand, then what was the reason? The answer is there wouldn’t be any reason, other then to hurt. The reason would be “just because.” A person could take what they want and hurt and destroy just because they could. They wanted to, so they did…no remorse, no value, only gratification and to exert power over another human being. Little to no money proves it wasn’t worth paying for, wasn’t deemed valuable and was NO BIG DEAL.
Therefore, in my mind it felt like I’m not WORTH anything. I wasn’t even worth being paid for.
You are probably thinking that I’ve lost my mind. But just think about it. In this world, we are trained to think that if something costs A LOT of money, then it has more value. It’s important and worthy.
HIGH DOLLARS = Worth it, Valuable
LOW DOLLARS = Cheap, Worthless
Money is powerful. In this world, money IS power. It allows you to do what you want and not to depend on anyone or anything.
Sex is also powerful. Sex done God’s way is AWESOME! Anything other then His way…is broken and void of all that God designed it to be, including Himself. It’s “less than” it should be. We know that LOTS and LOTS of people are having sex. I get it. It’s everywhere. But if it’s really not a big deal having sex the way we want to, when we want to…then why are millions of people being forced to do it against their will? Why would people have to take it by force-EVER? A man says, “I want you.” The woman says, “Yes!” Everyone gets their needs met. Nobody gets hurt. Everybody’s happy. Right? Wrong.
What is driving this insatiable consumption and pursuit of all things sexual? It’s like the world is ADDICTED to SEX!
Why do I mention this? Because of this:
Still questioning how our world is okay with sexual exploitation and selling human beings for sex?
You combine the power of money with the power of sex, and you have a catastrophic tsunami that can invade, flood and destroy everything it touches. Think about it. It’s the opposite of Galatians 5:14-15. Satan is brilliant! If he can get us to HATE one another instead of love and to “devour” each other, (pornography, prostitution, rapists, human beings selling humans for sex and paying for humans to rape just because they can…) the human race is going to implode on itself. And that’s exactly what’s happening.
So when the girl asked me “How much did the men pay for you?” Once again I was right back in that shame, tied to the bed, money floating in the air and that voice counting. I had NO value. I wasn’t enough. And I felt WORTHLESS.
This is the truth. I have felt unloved and unworthy for much of my life. I’ve looked in the mirror and said to myself, “You weren’t worthy to be loved…you had to be SOLD like a piece of meat because that’s the ONLY WAY someone would have any use for you!”
Lies, lies and more lies.
But I CHOSE to believe them and carry that crud around with me. Not every day. Not all the time. But in those moments when my focus was NOT on Jesus, I would allow those thoughts to influence my emotions and sometimes relationships. God would bring people into my life that would show love towards me and STILL deep down there would be that voice saying, “You are NOTHING! Nobody loves you. Why would they? You weren’t even worth a few dollars, let alone a couple hundred. YOU ARE WORTHLESS!”
But because Jesus loves me, He knows just what I need, when I need it. I had crud and He wasn’t going to let that go. Jesus said, “It’s time. You and I are going to deal with this – NOW!” So He ripped the duct tape off and showed me His love, like only He can, through His Word.
Look at this.
“Then one of the Twelve—the one called Judas Iscariot—went to the chief priests and asked, “What are you willing to give me if I deliver him over to you?” So they counted out for him thirty pieces of silver. From then on Judas watched for an opportunity to hand him over.”
“Now he who was betraying Him gave them a sign, saying, “Whomever I kiss, He is the one; seize Him. Immediately Judas went to Jesus and said, “Hail, Rabbi!” and kissed Him.” Matthew 26:14-16, 48-49
I had read this part in the bible multiple times and I’ve always felt drawn to it. Now I know why. Talk about being hurt by someone who should’ve known better but didn’t do better by us…
This shame is CRUD-the emotional pain left over from when someone hurt me. Crud happens as life happens. But when a person refuses to deal with the crud, it can become sin. This crud that wasn’t dealt with became SIN in my life.
This is the beautiful thing about a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. He will never leave us where we are. And He was NOT going to leave me where I was…stuck in the pain and shame. No.
Jesus is the ULTIMATE CRUD DEALER! He wants ALL darkness to come into the light!
Some of you have been struggling. Even reading these articles, has been difficult because it stirs up crud from YOUR past.
Could it be that Jesus wants YOU to deal with your pain? Have you been believing the lies? Has it affected your relationships with other people? With God?
Have you been hurt? Are you angry? Are you ashamed of something that you did? That was done to you? Why are you carrying that crud around with you?
Could it be that Jesus is trying to say to you, “It’s Time!”
Join me for the final installment of “For Sale: A Girl Named Sonya – Part 3” YES…there’s a part 3!
There’s SO much more to this story…