YAY! It’s YOU.
Whew! You’re still hanging in there with me!
This has been a hard one, right? Yep. For me, too. I’ve heard from many of you that it’s been really difficult on many different levels. But I’ve learned that NOTHING worth having is EASY. I believe God is about to do something HUGE in your life if you’ll just open your heart.
Jesus is the ULTIMATE CRUD DEALER! He wants ALL darkness to come into the light! So, LET THERE BE LIGHT!
“Then one of the Twelve—the one called Judas Iscariot—went to the chief priests and asked, “What are you willing to give me if I deliver him over to you?” So they counted out for him thirty pieces of silver. From then on Judas watched for an opportunity to hand him over.” Matthew 26:14-16
So let’s talk about the 30 pieces of silver. Why 30?
What was that all about?
There are many different opinions about the 30 pieces of silver. Some say that 30 pieces of silver would equate to several months of labor. But there is no way to determine exact comparisons. From what I’ve been able to learn, in Exodus, Zechariah and in the book of Matthew, the 30 pieces of silver was a form of compensation for the accidental death of a slave. According to Zechariah, it was NOT a large amount. In fact Zechariah (Zechariah 11:13) sarcastically commented on it because the amount was so low that it was actually an insult. God even told him to ‘throw it to the potter,’ meaning give it away because it wasn’t even worth keeping it as payment.
The bottom line is 30 pieces of Silver could NEVER be enough when it comes to Jesus Christ.
Then the Lord shows me this. BAM! The truth slams my body like a freight train. Judas asks, “What will you give me to betray Him?”
And the leaders…COUNTED OUT THE MONEY! All I can hear is my mom’s boyfriend’s voice…counting…‘…$100, $200, $300,…’
I couldn’t breathe!
And as they counted out the money, they determined that Jesus was only worth 30 pieces of Silver. That’s what they were WILLING to pay. Jesus Christ, the Son of God, was SOLD for 30 pieces of silver.
By now, my heart is beating out of my chest. I have tears and snot flowing everywhere.
Then I hear Him say, “Does it matter what those men paid for you? Does it matter what they paid for Me?”
“Sonya, does it matter what they actually paid? Is there ANY amount that would be enough to make it okay?”
“Or is the truth that there is…NO amount of money that is worth the cost of a human being. And certainly not the Savior of the world. You want to know how much was paid…how much you…were worth?”
Then the Lord said, “Let me tell you how much you ARE worth, Sonya. I paid EVERYTHING for YOU!”
That was it.
Is there anything MORE than EVERYTHING?
Immediately, I got on my face and begged the Lord to forgive me for believing Satan’s lies and for allowing those lies to control my thoughts and responses about myself and others.
I said HORRIBLE things to myself. I allowed the lies to become the truth. Why? Because I felt worthless. I felt unlovable. I felt that all those things that people said were true. I trusted in my “feelings” and chose to believe them instead of God’s truth.
We are created in the image of God and it is not okay for us to talk badly about ourselves. Jesus doesn’t do it. So we shouldn’t do it, either. It’s also a SIN to LIE to our selves, believe in, live out and choose Satan over Jesus Christ.
It does not matter how we FEEL…the TRUTH is…
I am valuable BECAUSE of Jesus Christ.
I am loved BECAUSE of Jesus Christ.
I am saved, secured and purchased…BECAUSE the blood of Jesus Christ.
How we FEEL doesn’t change the truth. For those of you struggling with guilt, shame, anger, hurt, fear…and you are finding it difficult to trust, love, forgive and move forward from the hurt from your past, none of your emotion changes who JESUS is. He is GOD whether you acknowledge that or not. He loves you, whether you believe it or not. He is always there, whether you feel it or not.
Years later, my mother asked me…out of the blue…if I was being hurt by her boyfriend? I told her yes he was, and she stopped seeing him. But instead of supporting me and getting me the help that I needed, she blamed me for what he did…saying that I had ‘seduced him’ and ‘lured him’ into sex because I was a ‘dirty girl’ and no one would love me unless I gave my body to them like a slut to do what they wanted.
She beat me over and over again. She tried to kill me many times. She hated me. I was nothing of value to her and she let me know it every day. Again, the person who should’ve loved me the most in the world and known better, didn’t do better by me.
I remember one night after a horrible beating, I prayed, “God if you are real – HELP ME!” I called for help and He came.
When I was 12 years old I was placed in a foster home and they took me to church. I was with my youth group at a David Wilkerson crusade, where I heard about Jesus and how He loved me so much that He was willing to die on the cross for my sin. The pastor said, “We all have a CHOICE to make. We either choose Jesus or we go our own way.”
I knew that God was speaking to my heart. When the pastor asked, “Do you want a relationship with Jesus?” I knew my CHOICE was YES. I asked Jesus to save me and asked Him to forgive me. In faith, I turned from my sin and placed my trust in Jesus forever.
It was nothing I earned. It was nothing I deserved. Because of His love for me, He paid everything for me. For ME! The girl nobody wanted. The girl nobody loved. He never forced me. He never took me against my will. He gave EVERYTHING and let me choose.
He has done the same thing for YOU. But you have to CHOOSE.
Do you want a relationship with Jesus?
If you have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, you are saved, forgiven and free from sin. If you don’t, then you are separated from Jesus and you are on your own. The choice is yours. Jesus doesn’t force us to love Him or follow Him.
Jesus was WITH me. Do you understand that? He was keeping me alive for a purpose. His purpose. Even in the rapes. Even in the darkness. Even in the despair. He never wanted there to be sin. Do you get that? He was NEVER okay with what they did to me. EVER. What Jesus did was save me and heal me. Jesus loved me through the crud. And He continues to do that to this day.
The one thing that I have always wanted was to be loved. So what did Jesus do?
Jesus gave me a man who has never taken anything from me but my heart. But even in that, Rick holds it in his hands…like it’s the most precious gift he’s ever been given. The girl who was raped by more men than she can count. The girl who nobody valued. Rick said, “I’ll take you. I love you and I’ll give you everything I have because you are more valuable than anything in this world.”
How do I know it’s true? Because he proves it every day in the way that he loves me and cares for me. Because Rick loves Jesus, he is equipped and able to love me like that.
THAT is the POWER of GOD! Do you see that?
Jesus knew that I wanted to be loved, to know what a family felt like so he gave me Tyler and Ryan. Two of the most kind, fun, loving men I’ve ever known. Every time I look at their faces, I see the grace of God.
Yes. The things that have happened to me are HORRIBLE! I know. I lived them. But I have choices. I can stay in the pain or I can deal with it and be FREE to do the things that Jesus has planned for me.
Jesus knew my heart and has used all of this in my life to HELP OTHER PEOPLE to know who He is so He could SAVE them, too!
People ask me all the time. How do I move on from something so horrific?
First and foremost…I could not, would not be where I am in my life without a personal relationship with Jesus. There is no other explanation but by His grace, mercy and love, Jesus changed my heart and made me a new person. Period.
I tell Jesus the TRUTH. The good, the bad and the ugly. All of it! I don’t say the religious things I think He wants to hear. I speak the truth. He is a holy God and He demands the truth. Let me give you a tip…He knows it all, anyway. Trust Him. He can handle it.
You’ve GOT TO DEAL with your CRUD. The hurts that stay buried deep inside us and are never dealt with – they WILL eventually DEAL WITH YOU! I allow my heart to see it, feel it and acknowledge the truth about what was done to me and how I felt.
Being forced to do sexual things against your will…can FEEL like it kills your spirit. I’ve heard some say they think it’s almost worse than death. To be left here…to bear the burden of that pain. When you are forced into a sexual act, and you live through it, you CAN move forward but…it NEVER leaves you. I’m here to tell you that I HAVE moved forward. Those people have NO power over me. Jesus has the power. I choose to move forward and in His strength, I can and I do. How?
I forgive. You can’t heal without this part. I’ve learned that forgiveness means that we look at the pain and the hurt that someone did to us and we release them from the debt that we think they owe us. So I had to forgive my mother for everything she did to me. I also had to forgive the man and all the men that hurt me. There is SO much power in this! Choosing to release someone from the debt that we think they owe us, knowing that Jesus did this for us.
Sometimes outside help is NECESSARY! You can’t just “will” it away. The mind is very powerful. And those painful things cause knee-jerk reactions when we least expect them. Be honest and get help.
Hurt happens all throughout life. It will continue to happen while we are in this sin-filled world. So dealing with our crud is not a one-time event. YOU MUST DEAL WITH YOUR CRUD AS IT HAPPENS.
Not admitting the truth about the pain we feel and pushing it down and out of site, makes us a living LIAR. Ignoring the hurt still makes you a liar. You are not living a truthful life when you hide hurt or pain from the past. If you won’t deal with it, it will deal with you. Trust me on this.
And finally, I make a choice. EVERY DAY, I make the choice to not be the victim. I choose to help others. I choose joy. I choose love. I choose to forgive. I don’t make excuses for myself when I sin. I own it. Because of Jesus living in me, I can do ALL THINGS. Jesus is the reason that I can be free of those chains of oppression. In His power and in His strength I can run straight into His arms.
Make your choice. Deal with your crud. I’ve done it. I continue to do it. It IS hard. But it’s WORTH it.
I’m praying for all of us to have the courage to DEAL with our CRUD, knowing that Jesus paid EVERYTHING for us…because He LOVES us.
Thank you for going on this excruciating journey of a read…with me. It wasn’t easy to write it. I’m thankful I made it. Thankful I get to help others.
If you have any questions, or would like to share your story with me, leave your comments below! I love to hear from people! If you need help dealing with your crud, I can help. Message me for details.
Sonya, i remember a beautiful woman from choir with the most amazing voice. I also remember you talking about your “crud” but didn’t know what yours was. This story is both heartbreaking AND uplifting. But i don’t know what to do with it. Yet. Hugs and prayers.
I just want to thank you for your kind words and also say that it’s okay if you don’t know what to do with it. Jesus does. I do. I tell my story so that Jesus can use it to draw others to Himself. I’ve been doing this for over 20 years. I feel like I’m just beginning my ministry instead of so far into it. 🙂 Thanks for reading. And thank you for praying! I miss those days in choir.
OMG this was awesome! I thought that I was the only one. I was raped by my uncle when I was 10. That happened like for 3 years. I think my mom knew but she didn’t help me. I told my teacher and I got taken away to a fosters home. I live in Dallas now but before I moved here I took trix for drugs. I just want to forget. I was clean for a month but then had a hard time and slipped up. A friend shows me your post. This was criminal but you held your head up and help people. How do you forgive the ones that did it? I need to know.