**Potential TRIGGER WARNING and is for mature audiences-sexual abuse and Human Trafficking content.**
“Those who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil…” 1 Timothy 6:9-10
I was speaking at a conference recently about the topic of Human Trafficking and sharing my story, and a young girl raised her hand and asked me the most gut-wrenching question I’ve ever been asked.
“So, how much did the men pay for you?”
I was in shock. But not for the reason you might think. She had NO idea what that question would do to me and neither did I.
See, I didn’t know it at the time…but I had a secret shame deep down inside. And when she asked the question…it was like I was being hit with a a giant rogue tsunami wave.
Stunned…I finally answered her and said, “I’m not sure. I couldn’t say.” Immediately, I felt shame. My mind went back in time to my own story, enslaved to a man’s ferocious sexual appetite and control. Images and emotions flooded my heart and mind.
I was 5 years old when my sexual abuse began. My mom was dating a man who was an Antiques Dealer and would leave me with him when she would go to work. He was nice at first, but then began touching me and forcing me to touch him.
It didn’t hurt at first because he groomed me slowly…to get used to his touch. It’s perfectly natural for an adult to tickle a kid. What’s not okay is to tickle a kid on their breasts or private parts. Tickling led to kissing, which led to masturbation, oral sex and then finally penetration.
He would threaten to hurt me or my mother and one day…he made good on that threat. People have asked me about the timeline of events…as if a 5 year old who was trying to comprehend what was being done to her body…could discern.
I was a KID, so I’m not sure the exact amount of time it took from the touching to rape…but what I like to tell people is…it was methodical, calculated and he was very patient because he was in it for the long game. He knew exactly what he was doing from day one.
Sometimes you can put things out of your mind.
Some things you’ll never forget…
My mom is working, and her boyfriend is again, in charge of babysitting me. We’re at his house this time. He’s got lots of fancy things and fun brand new toys that I’ve never seen before. He puts me in the bathtub and then gives me some medicine to help me feel in his words, “better”.
I have one of his t-shirts on for pajamas and he tells me to get in his bed. He sits down on the bed and pulls the t-shirt off so that I’m lying there naked. Then he tells me that I am to “lay still” as he ties my hands to the headboard. My heart is pounding because I can hear it…and I know that he’s going to touch me.
He says, “You’re gonna be a good girl and do as I say and you WILL like it, won’t you? You’ll like it because you’re a dirty girl, Sonya. (In total admiration and pride) he says, “Look at you. You’ve been begging for it all day. Only dirty girls like it. Do what I say and no noise.”
Touching my face, “You know what will happen if you don’t. Don’t you?” I nod. Then he tightens his grip till it hurts…and kisses my lips saying, “Good girl.”
My eyes are heavy and I think I’ve fallen asleep until there’s a knock at the door and my worst nightmare begins.
Some men come in and take their seats, like it’s the most natural thing in the world for a little girl to be tied to a bed, naked. He begins to tell them the “rules” for this game. The only thing I hear is “No touching unless you pay!”
As I look around the room, the men are drinking or doing something with white powdery stuff. (*I know now that they were drinking alcohol and doing drugs.) I hear words like “fresh meat,” and “split her open,” and “I hope she’s worth it.”
The one comment that has haunted me…even to this day is…“I need to go first…cause my kids’ got a program at school at 6.”
I see money handed to my mom’s boyfriend and he begins to touch my body. As the men settle in to watch, I close my eyes as tightly as I can. It’s better if I can’t see.
After a while, I hear a man say, “My turn.” I open my eyes to see a dark haired man pulling down his pants and climbing up on the bed. As he puts his hand on my vagina, I flinch. He grabs me by the neck and the boyfriend grabs him and says, “No marks or it’s double!”
Then he grabs my face roughly and says, “You little slut! You will take all I have to give you.” He takes some money out of his pocket and throws it at me. All I can see is a confetti of bills in the air above me. I can hear the ruffle of the paper floating around me and feel the flutter of it as it falls against my skin.
He rapes me.
One after the other, climb on top of me…to do what they want to my body. I’ve heard them laughing. Someone called me “pretty.” Someone called me “ugly.” Each one grunted and groaned until they got what they paid for.
Here’s what I remember most…I hurt everywhere. Sometimes I can still remember the smells: smoke, sweat and alcohol. My body is shaking and I feel cold. I’m covered in semen.
The last man stands next to the bed, staring at me. He just stares into my eyes. He looks sad. For a moment, I feel hopeful because I think he’s not going to do anything. Then he slowly takes off his t-shirt and covers my eyes. My heart sinks as I can feel the bed dip and feel his body on mine.
He rapes me, too.
The whole time I can feel the money on my body. The sound the paper makes. The feeling as it touches my naked skin. I’m thinking to myself, “How much money is this? How much did they pay?”
But the story doesn’t end there. It’s just beginning. You’ve heard me say it 100’s of times. We’ve all got crud. Well, I’ve got crud, too. I had a secret. Secrets are NEVER good. Secrets keep the pain…hidden in darkness and shame.
Discover what happens next in Part 2 – “For Sale-A Girl Named Sonya”
32 Responses
Sonya
I’m sitting here just sick to my stomach I’m so much pain and tears and anger at what you endured! I just can’t even write my words down … you are absolutely courageous sister. I’m busy in shock. I can’t imagine at all what your heart has been through. What a miracle you are.
Thank you for that encouragement. I love Jesus. And I love people. I want people to know who Jesus is. Period. That’s why I share my story. How could I not? He’s changed everything.
This was unbelievable. Terrible. When will you release part 2?
You are a hero!
This was very hard to read. I can’t imagine trying to live with it. Your strength and courage is a beautiful thing. I was raped when I was younger. My family didn’t believe me and I left home as soon as I could. The man that raped me was a family friend. It wasn’t until he messed with my little sister that got him caught and then my family figured it out that I had been telling the truth all along. But by then the damage was done. I struggle with forgiveness. Rape is devastating. It’s something that you never forget. I remember the smells, too. How do you deal with this pain?
This makes me so sad. How horrible. It has to take a little if course to share this. So thankful for what Did has done for you and for your ministry. May God bless you as you minister to so many.
Sonya, I am so terribly sorry for what you’ve endured. I had to stop repeatedly and take your story in intervals. Felt like I was going to vomit. I’m still in shock. I am encouraged that God brings healing…and deliverance. You are a testimony to that. Thank you for boldly sharing in order that other tortured souls can experience freedom and healing–the victims, the abusers, and the unknowing accomplices to this evil. I believe it’s also good for people to see that sin is not harmless thing to trifle with.
Thank you. I love your last line…”it’s good for people to see that sin is NOT a harmless thing to trifle with.” I couldn’t agree more. The damage that sin does is devastating. I’m thankful for Jesus and second and third and fourth chances. Thank you for reading!
This is unbelievable. How are you able to be you? I watched your video and this is the guy that covered your face with his t-shirt, right? So powerful. Can’t wait to read part 2.
Oh my stars. I don’t have any words. My heart hurts for you, Sonya. God bless you.
My sister needs to read this. She was raped repeatedly by a family member and has turned to pills and sexual relationships to fill the void. After everything she’s been through, she uses sex to get some kind of control over something that she didn’t have control of before. If that makes sense? I will be watching for Part 2. Thank you, Sonya. Your story is going to shine truth on such a hard topic.
I was molested by my uncle when I was 9 years old. The way you described it made me think about my own experience and I know that I have crud, too. It’s been hard for me to move on. It’s effecting my marriage and my relationship to my family. I don’t think they blame me but because of me my family has this dark blotch on it’s reputation and I guess that’s my fault. Like I ever asked for that in my life to happen. How have you forgiven this man that did this? I’m waiting for part 2. I’ll probably have more questions. Thank you for your courage.
Tears are all I can do. I don’t know what to say. I love you and your heart for Jesus. Lifting you up in prayer as you boldly share this horrific experience from your life.
You amaze me. I want to tell you many things but my words fail me at this time. Just know that there are many people praying for you and your precious family and there is nothing that you can’t do when Jesus is on your side. You are living proof of that, Sonya. *I have your cd and have worn it out i’ve listened to it so much.
Oh my goodness this was hard to read. It’s not that I don’t understand that this is happening all over the world but you putting a face to this issue is undeniable. We can’t think about it like it’s “over there” any longer. This is happening everywhere. Thank you for telling your story. I will pray for your family because I can’t imagine how hard this is for them because of their love for you.
This is going to save many lives. You are my hero. It seems like there’s nothing more you can say and then there’s more. Jesus is all over you, Sonya. Keep going!
OMG. There are no words. Only tears.
I don’t know how you survived. But one thing I do know…
Satan should be very afraid. Very afraid.
I was hurt for 3 years by my father. I never told anyone until I read your story. You have given me the courage to tell my story. I’m in counseling now and doing much better and getting stronger every day. Sonya, you are a miracle. God bless you as you shine the light.
Please tell me that man is in a jail cell. If not, he needs to be hunted down and painfully tortured.
Tears.
I’m sorry for everything you went through. I was raped when I was 11 and I have never been able to move beyond the anger of it all. I’m anxious to read part 2.
I am a survivor, too. I didn’t handle it like you did. I have a drug habit that has stolen my life. Once a slave, always a slave to something. Maybe I can find a way to move on. I don’t want to think about it or deal with it. I don’t want to remember it. I’m afraid of what I’ll feel if I deal with it. Will you pray for me?
Sonya, I can’t imagine what you endured. The way that you describe it makes me feel like I’m there with you as it’s happening. I want you to know that you are not alone and that God is going to use this to free many many slaves. I will pray for your protection from the enemy.
Tears. Just tears.
The reason that he took off his t shirt is because he didn’t want to look into your eyes and see the monster that he was. I could never forgive something like this. I have to say, I will never forget this story for the rest of my life so I know that you won’t forget. If god has given you peace then he is powerful indeed. God bless you.
God IS powerful. He’s changed my whole life. That’s an interesting idea about the man with the t-shirt. I’ve often prayed for him. Thank you for reading.
I have no words but to say that I’m sorry. I know that isn’t good enough.
I am overcome with emotions after reading this. How did you survive this? How? I feel angry and sad but relieved that you are alive to share your story but devastated that you were put in that position to begin with. This world is evil. P.s. I’m waiting for part 2.
First I’d like to say that I’m very sorry for the pain that you went through. When I think about what they did to your little body, it makes me sick with grief. Next, I’d like to thank you for having the guts to write about one of the darkest experiences in a person’s life. I’ve read some of your other blogs and I have to say that the way you write is really captivating. It’s simple but profoundly insightful. The man that covered your eyes. That is really disturbing. I’m sorry.
Kicking ass and taking names. Satan has no idea the can of whoop ass he’s fixing to open. I love you, Sonya. – Alex
Alex…lol. As always you make me smile. So excited to hear what God is doing in your life. Aren’t you glad that Jesus gets the final say? Love you, brother.