HOW? ~ The Greatest DUMB Question-EVER!



Might be the dumbest question to most of the experts…

Unless you're desperate.

I was recently ridiculed by an expert who “sells” help to people who are “going after what they want” and willing to work hard and ask questions in order to LEARN and GROW…for asking…get this…the question…”HOW”? 

Here's someone who wrote to me and wanted to know... "HOW?"

Got this from my website. This is long but SO worth it. Let this encourage ALL of us to share our stories with a world that is hurting and needs to know that there IS hope.

“I wanted to let you know that you wrecked me. I was living my life and I thought that I had everything under control until I watched your story. The weird thing about all this is I can’t tell you how I found your story. I swear to god. I have no idea how I got to it. I clicked on something and there you were. 

My first question was HOW?

How did you make it through all of that? My next question was how could you forgive your mother or the men that hurt you? How is this possible? How could you believe in a God who would allow this to happen to you? I wanted to believe that you were weak and needed some kind of “rescuer” to believe in so that you could try to live a normal life.

The way that I handle life is by not letting things bother me. I keep my emotions in check so that I don’t get drawn into unnecessary drama. There is no drama when you don’t depend on anyone. If something makes me start to feel things or might make me feel out of control, I move on. I always felt that only weak-minded people dwell on the negative things in their lives because they’re too weak to move on. There’s too much of that going on in these days. All you hear about is people that say they’ve been abused, like thats an excuse to do horrible sh$t. My way works great. Avoid and ignore and you don’t get hurt cause things don’t bother you cause you don’t let it.

That’s fine but as I listened to your story, things started to unravel in my way of thinking. And then it hit me. Last year I ended a 4 year relationship because I couldn’t bring myself to commit to the most wonderful girl that I will ever know. She wanted me, the real me and kids and all that stuff and I felt unworthy – just like you.

I think I was waiting for you to try to make us feel sorry for you or maybe that all men are bad or something. I was like is this girl for real? I couldn’t understand how you could smile or sing. BTW, your voice is incredible. That got me. As I watched you speak, I went from hating you to wanting to hug you. I can be a cynical s.o.b at times. I admit it. This is what got me though, you didn’t act weak. You didn’t show fear. I thought you might hang your head like you could still feel ashamed, but you stood strong and looked us in the eye. You had this authority and power coming off of you. Honest to god, I couldn’t stop watching.

Then you talked about being sold for sex and a man taking off his t-shirt and covering your face to rape you because he felt guilty for what he was going to do to you. I couldn’t take it. You were like actually sold to men. Sold like a piece of meat. I can’t imagine what you felt or how they hurt you. This started something inside of me that I couldn’t stop if I tried.

Remember, I don’t like emotions of any kind. I do anything to avoid them. Here I was, feeling like I was having a heart attack. The only way I can describe this is it felt like someone was sitting on my chest. This is why.

When I was 10, a man in my neighborhood touched me and did other things. He made me touch him. At first, I was shocked then I was ashamed. I was angry. No. More than that. I felt rage. I wanted to hurt him. I wanted to make him feel as powerless and weak as he made me feel. He was a sick bastard and it messed me up. My shame was attributed to how I saw that weakness and not being able to stop his abuse. Why did he pick me? Did I give off some kind of “vibe” that said ‘this kid is weak and wants this kind of thing’? After that, I shut myself off from any emotions and went on with my life. I didn’t want anyone to know. It’s a secret that I have never told anyone. Until you. Like I said, you wrecked me.

Then you had to go and start talking about Jesus. I was like ‘here we go, another religious nut job’. I hate people who cram religion down other people’s throats. It’s fine for you to believe it, but that doesn’t mean that everyone else has to. As you shared what Jesus had done for you, I started to feel something. I know this sounds crazy, but I felt something like a pull to listen and not dismiss what you were saying. You talked about him as if he was there with you.

Sonya, the keyboard story killed me. To hear you sing and then to know that a keyboard represents what that bastard did to you – how can you sing like that? Why would you ever sing again? By this time I’m bawling like a girl. There is no denying what is true. You have something real that has let you be free. I’ve never heard anyone talk about god like that. You believe it! I could see the peace on your face, the truth in your voice but I don’t know what to think. What does that mean for the rest of us? If forgiveness means that I need to release that guy from the debt that he owes me, I don’t know if I can do that. I can’t even forgive myself. What he did to me is unforgiveable. Why should I forgive him?

This is what I want to ask you. IS JESUS REAL? I know you say that He is, but HOW do you know?

If he can help you forgive those that hurt you, would he help me, too? I’ve carried this anger for a long time. I don’t want to do it anymore but I don’t know how to let it go. I can’t help but wonder if I was meant to see this so that I can get rid of it once and for all. Do you think that Jesus can help me? Can you tell me how to do it and I’ll do it! I’m ready.”

Not a DUMB question...AT ALL.

The answer is a resounding – YES!

Yes, Jesus IS real.

Yes, He CAN and WILL help you.

Yes, He CAN and WILL heal you.

Yes, He CAN and WILL restore all that was broken.

When you give your heart and trust to Jesus Christ, the bible says YOU are SAVED, FORGIVEN and FREE.

"If you openly declare that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you WILL be SAVED." Romans 10:9

To be totally transparent, I respect the person who basically told me how “DUMB” I was for posting that question to him. He’s a really smart man. He’s obviously successful. I learn some really great things from his posts. 

But what hit me when I read his response, was #1 ~ he paid attention to something I wrote. EEEK! I mean…GO SONYA! The fangirl in me was like he read something I wrote. Ha! Ha! #2 ~ I wonder what wound him up about that simple little question? Maybe people have hurt him in the past…and tried to use him and get everything for FREE. I hate that, too. I’m not sure. Whatever it was, he didn’t like it. #3 ~ I giggled. I seriously laughed out loud. The reason he is successful is because people want to know HOW he does what he does. So why would he freak over a question like how? He makes his money telling people HOW to do what he does.

Then I got to thinking about the people who DO reach out to me and ask me HOW!

I have clients who are rich, powerful and have everything money can buy. But they can't have healthy relationships OR be intimate with their spouse...because they were hurt as a kid and never dealt with it. You know...that CRUD stuff.

When they reach out to me and ask me HOW to get past it and HOW to forgive and HOW to move forward…I NEVER tell them that their question is “stupid…or a waste of my time…or that they will not get ANY engagement from me because of silly, stupid questions like HOW.”

(Yep, that happened.) 

See, when I hear someone ask “HOW”…I see OPPORTUNITY! I see a way that God has given ME…to help others get through the pain of their past. I am part of that healing process. Why? I can provide the answer to the HOW question. All of us in business, teachers, doctors, pastors…we can provide the how, because God has given us the knowledge, the experience and the resources…AND OPPORTUNITIES to help others with what we know HOW to do. 


People who ask me HOW…are DESPERATE to know HOW to get through the pain. It’s NEVER wrong to ask HOW.

Actually, it’s smart. It’s healthy. It shows integrity and tenacity. 

Why would we ever shame anyone for asking HOW? 

I am overcome (I always am) at what Jesus is doing, HOW He does it and WHY He would EVER use me…

Jesus. Jesus. Jesus.

Would you pray for me? I always need it. Would you also pray for the man that wrote this message to me…and the expert who thought asking “HOW” was a dumb thing to do?

If you are struggling with crud and want to know HOW to deal with it and move on in your life, please... please... please... ASK ME HOW! I WILL TELL YOU.

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Sonya Brunner

Speaker, Singer, Musician, Worship Leader, Life Coach, Writer, and the founder of Fifty Shades of Grace & the Crud Talk podcast. "I help people learn how to deal with the pain of their past so they can live in freedom. Got Crud? Let's deal with it."

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