Hope in a Porn Search

I just heard from a gentleman who said he was on the web and found my site and started reading my story.

 

“I can’t believe that I am writing to you. I found your story in a very unusual place. Did you know that your name comes up in the middle of a porn search? If you didn’t know, sorry to break it to you. I thought it was something different.

Your story was not what I expected. For some reason I couldn’t stop reading. I guess it’s true that God works in mysterious ways. I don’t know what else to say to you but I had to write.

 

Your story is different then mine, but the same, too. I was hurt by my mother who was an alcoholic. She hurt me over and over again and I just took it. So I’ve always felt WEAK. I left home as quickly as I could and I have gone through women like they mean nothing. No matter what I do, I can’t trust them.

   

There is a woman at my work who has been nothing but kind and good to me. I know that she cares for me and would like to take the relationship deeper. But no matter what I do, I still keep my true self hidden from her. I won’t let her in. I’ve pushed her away, making her feel like it’s her fault or that something is wrong with her. She scares the $%& (crap) out of me. I know that I have feelings for her, but something inside of me won’t let go.

   

After reading your story, I KNOW that I have CRUD. (laughing at what a joke I am and how I didn’t know this about myself) I want to be free. I want to be strong.

   

How do I deal with this anger and hurt inside of me?

 

How do I forgive?

 

I can tell that God has made a difference in your life.

 

Is that real? What do I do?”

     

So why do I have a HUGE smile on my face?

 

#1 He’s been hooked by Jesus. Can’t you see it? He desires something MORE. Oh, he might not know it, but that’s EXACTLY what’s happening.

 

#2 He’s so BRAVE. He’s been convicted of his sin. His CRUD is being revealed to him in a manner in which only Jesus knows how much to reveal and when. And this is the beautiful thing about Jesus. He knows just what we need. How much we need to deal with and when. He doesn’t give us more or less…it’s always just what is right. Emotionally, it can feel like “too much” but there is no such thing with Jesus. He is the one that holds us through all of the hurt and pain – called CRUD, and He gently leads us through it so we can heal.

   

#3 You and I are watching the process in which the Lord Jesus SAVES someone. This is what happens when we are faithful to share what Jesus has done in our lives. We get to be witnesses to true, live MIRACLES. If you believe what the bible says is true, then what’s happening is this – a man is being DRAWN to JESUS. He is on the threshold of making Jesus the Lord of his life and the journey for him is just beginning.

*For all of you deeply religious people, who can’t help yourselves, YES – he may choose to not follow Jesus. That is HIS choice. It’s not up to me and I trust Jesus. Jesus saves. Not us. He gives us ALL a FREE choice to follow Him, or not. I choose to believe that ANYTHING is possible with GOD. 

 

#4 This man was obviously looking at something under the category of PORNOGRAPHY and yet…. (I just LOVE that word) he somehow ended up finding my story. WHAT??? It’s just amazing what God does and how He does it.

   

#5 This dude is in LOVE, people! He LOVES this girl at his workplace. I mean it’s OBVIOUS. It’s romantic to hear him say that she “SCARES” him. I bet she does. Because what he’s feeling is REAL. For the very first time, he is in love with a woman. (hee hee)

 

It’s very common for those of us that have been hurt or had ungodly examples of what “LOVE” is, to push love away. Why? Because it’s foreign to us. We haven’t seen a true example of love and most of us have had a sick, twisted, emotion that PEOPLE label as love. A manipulative form of emotion that puts “CONDITIONS” on whether someone will love us or not.

   

There were many times early on in my relationship with Rick that I pushed him away. In fact I flat out DARED him to walk away, almost challenging him to do it. Why would I do that? Because I didn’t feel worthy to be loved. I was told nobody would ever truly love me, and I believed it. Why wouldn’t I? The ones who were supposed to love me were the ones that told me this lie. Nobody stayed. So what would make Rick any different? A relationship with Jesus made ALL the difference. Rick isn’t perfect but he had someone in his life who WAS. Jesus guided him, and spoke to him and taught him through His word how a godly man loves his girl. 

 

And God always knows what He’s doing. If this man can deal with his crud, and begin to heal from all of his pain, he will become the man that this woman needs him to be. He will become the man that Jesus knows he can be.

Jesus loves us enough to NOT leave us where we’re at.

 

He could have just left this man to live a miserable, lonely, angry life. But Jesus LOVES this man and desires a personal relationship with him. THAT IS LOVE.

 

#6 Considering that my pain and shame was largely due to being sexually raped and tortured as a child, it’s so strange to be involved with a ministry entitled Fifty Shades of Grace, where I discuss sexually explicit details about my life that are raw and unbelievably painful. And it’s THAT pain that God uses to reach other people. *I loved it when he said, “Your story is different than mine but the same.” We might not have had the same exact story, but PAIN is PAIN. That’s the miracle that ties us ALL together. Only GOD could do that!

 

So yes, I have a huge smile on my face. I can’t help it.

 

If you have been hurt, and you KNOW that you’ve got CRUD, (and who doesn’t) please deal with it. Take it to Jesus. Talk to a counselor. Don’t let anger or hurt stop you from LIVING.

 

If you know that Jesus is drawing YOU into a relationship with Him, ask Jesus to forgive you of your sin and be the Lord (boss) of your life. Turn from your sin and live for Jesus by learning all that you can about who Jesus is. The bible holds all of the answers for us. It’s the truth. You can count on it.

 

We all have a story. So tell your story. Tell someone about what Jesus has done in your life. It doesn’t matter what you’ve done, how you got here. What matters is that Jesus has changed you. He’s set you free. Jesus changes EVERYTHING. 

   

God can use ANYTHING to draw men unto Himself. Even an unlovable, unworthy, unwanted girl. Even a porn search.