Hope In A Porn Search

Hope In A Porn Search

I just heard from a gentleman who said he was on the web and found my site and started reading my story.

 

“I can’t believe that I am writing to you. I found your story in a very unusual place. Did you know that your name comes up in the middle of a porn search? If you didn’t know, sorry to break it to you. I thought it was something different.

Your story was not what I expected. For some reason I couldn’t stop reading. I guess it’s true that God works in mysterious ways. I don’t know what else to say to you but I had to write.

 

Your story is different then mine, but the same, too. I was hurt by my mother who was an alcoholic. She hurt me over and over again and I just took it. So I’ve always felt WEAK. I left home as quickly as I could and I have gone through women like they mean nothing. No matter what I do, I can’t trust them.

 

 

There is a woman at my work who has been nothing but kind and good to me. I know that she cares for me and would like to take the relationship deeper. But no matter what I do, I still keep my true self hidden from her. I won’t let her in. I’ve pushed her away, making her feel like it’s her fault or that something is wrong with her. She scares the $%& (crap) out of me. I know that I have feelings for her, but something inside of me won’t let go.

 

 

After reading your story, I KNOW that I have CRUD. (laughing at what a joke I am and how I didn’t know this about myself) I want to be free. I want to be strong.

 

 

How do I deal with this anger and hurt inside of me?

 

How do I forgive?

 

I can tell that God has made a difference in your life.

 

Is that real? What do I do?”

 

 

 

So why do I have a HUGE smile on my face?

 

#1 He’s been hooked by Jesus. Can’t you see it? He desires something MORE. Oh, he might not know it, but that’s EXACTLY what’s happening.

 

#2 He’s so BRAVE. He’s been convicted of his sin. His CRUD is being revealed to him in a manner in which only Jesus knows how much to reveal and when. And this is the beautiful thing about Jesus. He knows just what we need. How much we need to deal with and when. He doesn’t give us more or less…it’s always just what is right. Emotionally, it can feel like “too much” but there is no such thing with Jesus. He is the one that holds us through all of the hurt and pain – called CRUD, and He gently leads us through it so we can heal.

 

 

#3 You and I are watching the process in which the Lord Jesus SAVES someone. This is what happens when we are faithful to share what Jesus has done in our lives. We get to be witnesses to true, live MIRACLES. If you believe what the bible says is true, then what’s happening is this – a man is being DRAWN to JESUS. He is on the threshold of making Jesus the Lord of his life and the journey for him is just beginning.

*For all of you deeply religious people, who can’t help yourselves, YES – he may choose to not follow Jesus. That is HIS choice. It’s not up to me and I trust Jesus. Jesus saves. Not us. He gives us ALL a FREE choice to follow Him, or not. I choose to believe that ANYTHING is possible with GOD. 

 

#4 This man was obviously looking at something under the category of PORNOGRAPHY and yet…. (I just LOVE that word) he somehow ended up finding my story. WHAT??? It’s just amazing what God does and how He does it.

 

 

#5 This dude is in LOVE, people! He LOVES this girl at his workplace. I mean it’s OBVIOUS. It’s romantic to hear him say that she “SCARES” him. I bet she does. Because what he’s feeling is REAL. For the very first time, he is in love with a woman. (hee hee)

 

It’s very common for those of us that have been hurt or had ungodly examples of what “LOVE” is, to push love away. Why? Because it’s foreign to us. We haven’t seen a true example of love and most of us have had a sick, twisted, emotion that PEOPLE label as love. A manipulative form of emotion that puts “CONDITIONS” on whether someone will love us or not.

 

 

There were many times early on in my relationship with Rick that I pushed him away. In fact I flat out DARED him to walk away, almost challenging him to do it. Why would I do that? Because I didn’t feel worthy to be loved. I was told nobody would ever truly love me, and I believed it. Why wouldn’t I? The ones who were supposed to love me were the ones that told me this lie. Nobody stayed. So what would make Rick any different? A relationship with Jesus made ALL the difference. Rick isn’t perfect but he had someone in his life who WAS. Jesus guided him, and spoke to him and taught him through His word how a godly man loves his girl. 

 

And God always knows what He’s doing. If this man can deal with his crud, and begin to heal from all of his pain, he will become the man that this woman needs him to be. He will become the man that Jesus knows he can be.

Jesus loves us enough to NOT leave us where we’re at.

 

He could have just left this man to live a miserable, lonely, angry life. But Jesus LOVES this man and desires a personal relationship with him. THAT IS LOVE.

 

#6 Considering that my pain and shame was largely due to being sexually raped and tortured as a child, it’s so strange to be involved with a ministry entitled Fifty Shades of Grace, where I discuss sexually explicit details about my life that are raw and unbelievably painful. And it’s THAT pain that God uses to reach other people. *I loved it when he said, “Your story is different than mine but the same.” We might not have had the same exact story, but PAIN is PAIN. That’s the miracle that ties us ALL together. Only GOD could do that!

 

So yes, I have a huge smile on my face. I can’t help it.

 

If you have been hurt, and you KNOW that you’ve got CRUD, (and who doesn’t) please deal with it. Take it to Jesus. Talk to a counselor. Don’t let anger or hurt stop you from LIVING.

 

If you know that Jesus is drawing YOU into a relationship with Him, ask Jesus to forgive you of your sin and be the Lord (boss) of your life. Turn from your sin and live for Jesus by learning all that you can about who Jesus is. The bible holds all of the answers for us. It’s the truth. You can count on it.

 

We all have a story. So tell your story. Tell someone about what Jesus has done in your life. It doesn’t matter what you’ve done, how you got here. What matters is that Jesus has changed you. He’s set you free. Jesus changes EVERYTHING. 

 

 

God can use ANYTHING to draw men unto Himself. Even an unlovable, unworthy, unwanted girl. Even a porn search.

26 Comments
  • Shawnda Henson
    Posted at 19:54h, 22 December Reply

    Wow. I shouldn’t be amazed or awe struck anymore, reading these stories, but I am! I amazed every single time how Jesus chooses to reach those who desperately need Him. I said “need” Him, not “seek” Him, because clearly, this guy was NOT seeking Him. But, He definitely needs Him! Not shocked, but truly amazed. Wow. Wow. Wow! What an awesome, amazing, incredible God we are humbled & honored, to serve. Thank you for sharing these wonderful life changing stories.

    • hisgirl
      Posted at 23:20h, 23 December Reply

      Thanks, Shawnda! Thank you for reading and for ALL of your support. It means A LOT to me.

  • Shanti9
    Posted at 01:18h, 23 December Reply

    WOW. I’m in the porn industry for 2 years. I don’t know how I got here but I know that I have felt unloved my whole life. The part you wrote about not knowing what love is because you’ve never had a good example, that was ME. When I was a little girl, my mom’s boyfriend raped me a lot. He would beat me if I cried and he told me that my mom was “okay” with him doing that to me. She was always high and she wasn’t there to protect me. So I believed him. I left home and ended up in prostitution for food. I hated it. Every second, I hated it. So I began to do drugs so that I could at least do my job. Porn is EASY money. It’s not an excuse but it’s true. If you can make yourself numb, then it’s not so bad. You don’t talk like church people that I know. I’ve never heard that Jesus WANTS to have a relationship with me. I’d like to talk to you more about that? Will you write me back?

  • Tony18
    Posted at 01:19h, 23 December Reply

    I have a HUGE smile on my face, too. We ALL do, Sonya. You are my hero!

  • arv1789
    Posted at 01:24h, 23 December Reply

    My gratitude for being able to know you keeps growing more and more. You make the world such a better place and I have unspeakable respect for the bravery and brilliance of your heart and mind. Thank you for sharing what you’ve seen, how you feel, and who you are. Your “working girls” in Taipei love you, Mam Sonya. We pray for you every week. Thank you for not judging working girls. We watch your video and Mam Jen tells us your words. Thank you for telling the world about Jesus. Thank you for telling me about Jesus.

  • GerardH16
    Posted at 01:30h, 23 December Reply

    I saw your lovely face and was attracted to that lovely face. And then the songs I found on line were so fascinating. As I was browsing the web, I cannot believe to find out that you have been sexually hurt so deeply. The anger that I feel for your pain is real. I feel connected to your story and I want all of your albums. I listen to you sing over and over and you calm my heart with your voice. I live in Munich. Will you be traveling here soon? I have many contacts in te states and would love to meet you.

  • Tom1999
    Posted at 01:31h, 23 December Reply

    I am a man with a porn addiction. I can’t stop. Do you think that Jesus will forgive me?

  • 27Kevin8
    Posted at 01:34h, 23 December Reply

    Oh wow, Sonya! Your story is truly amazing. I have been married for 6 years and I have struggled with pornography for a long time. Even before we got married. I know it’s wrong, but I feel compelled to look at it. My wife is a sweet woman but isn’t interested in sex. She closes up and doesn’t enjoy it – EVER! I want to stop, but don’t feel like I can. What do you do when you are a married man who wants to have sex but your wife will not do it?

  • Barb718
    Posted at 01:37h, 23 December Reply

    I think men who look at pornography are WEAK and PATHETIC. I refuse to let any of them “OFF the HOOK”. They need to grow a pair and knock it off. How hard is it to control yourself?

  • Barb718
    Posted at 01:38h, 23 December Reply

    And…you should be ashamed that your face shows up on porn. Not proud.

    • Shawnda Henson
      Posted at 15:19h, 23 December Reply

      Oh my. Sonya’s beautiful face, beautiful spirit, huge heart & grace filled life is showing up EXACTLY where Jesus needs it to be.

  • Andrew82
    Posted at 01:42h, 23 December Reply

    Sonya, you continue to share your story, no matter the cost. I personally love to read your blog, knowing that you never judge anyone. I can relate to everything you write. I am thankful that you share openly about your struggles and that sex isn’t a taboo subject to you. All anyone has to do is read your posts and comments from readers and one can see that God is moving mightily. I have struggled with pornography (what guy hasn’t) and you always speak openly, honestly and point us to the Lord. You have helped me in my walk with Jesus. THANK YOU. I know it costs you A LOT. Your biggest fan! * one of them.

  • James56
    Posted at 01:47h, 23 December Reply

    I am a husband, who loves his wife. She has issues from her past and she won’t let me help her. Our sex life is nonexistant and she will not open herself up to me or anyone. What can I do? I think that she is hiding deep pain. I can’t be in a marriage that has no sex. What can I do?

  • Erin Sent
    Posted at 02:02h, 23 December Reply

    I love this, Sonya! I love how you just share your heart so openly. I can relate so much to your story. When I was a little girl, I was molested by a family friend who taught me everything I know about sex. I had no idea it was wrong until I got to middle school and the other kids would say weird thngs about sex. It became apparent that a middle school girl was not supposed to be having sex with a grown man. The problem was that I LIKED it. It felt good. I felt safe. When I was 18 I went to a youth camp and heard the gospel and asked Jesus into my heart. I am embarrassed to say that I haven’t EVER shared this with anyone. After reading your blog, I am convicted about never sharing my story with any other women. I think of all the people I might have been able to help. Thank you for pushing me to SHARE MY STORY. How do you get the courage to just do it? Don’t you feel judged? Or worry that they WILL judge you?

    • hisgirl
      Posted at 23:12h, 23 December Reply

      I am sorry for the hurt that you have been through. The part where you shared that you “liked it” is not uncommon. That’s the hardest part about sexual abuse is most of the time abuser doesn’t use violence but gentle touch and tickles and then when it feels good, it’s confusing to a child and “flips the arousal” switch. Once that switch is turned on, our bodies always know what that feels like. That’s how God wired our bodies. Please don’t be ashamed for “Liking” it. Have you ever went to a counselor to talk through all of that? I would highly recommend that for you. I will send you some resources privately for your area. Don’t let satan try to make you feel like getting healthy isn’t necessary. Do the work to deal with all of that pain and anger. Don’t be afraid. And then…Oh Erin, this just makes me smile girl! You have figured out how much your story CAN and WILL help others if you are just faithful to share it. We don’t save anyone, but we encourage others in their own journeys by telling them what Jesus has done in our lives. The gospel is POWERFUL. Jesus saves. It’s just fun to be on the team. Get healthy first and then SHARE. Jesus can change people’s lives.

  • dinosat23
    Posted at 02:05h, 23 December Reply

    Sonya, YOU make ME smile. You really care about people. I think it’s sweet that you caught and care about how much he is IN LOVE with that girl from his job. I read that and TOTALLY thought the same thing. Please keep doing what you’re doing. I love to hear you sing. Any more albums on the horizon?

    • hisgirl
      Posted at 22:58h, 23 December Reply

      I don’t have any plans on any new music, although I’m always writing. I truly love a GREAT love story. And I think this one is a GOOD ONE. Thank you for reading and for your encouragement.

  • Jonofalljons
    Posted at 02:08h, 23 December Reply

    Once again, you blow my mind. The very proof is you talking about Jesus and PORN in the same sentence. I’m drawn to your story and I know that I have demons that I haven’t dealt with. I do NOT believe in God. But I can see that YOU do. Pornography is a fact of life. Sex is always going to be a draw. I’m sorry that you were hurt by sex but I’m not apologizing that I look at porn. I enjoy sex and will continue to do so. I am sure that every man in CHURCH looks at porn. Porn gives the relief and release I need without the commitment hassles. Your husband is a ILUCKY man.

  • jerseycity09
    Posted at 02:25h, 23 December Reply

    Wow. I just read this post and I was shocked by all the men that have responded. You have no idea how much you help people deal with their crud, Sonya. I have been hurt sexually and just can’t seem to move on. My heart broke when you wrote, “we don’t understand real love because we don’t have any godly examples.” I know exactly how that feels. What continues to shock me is that I am not alone. I can relate my pain with some guy in Africa. I am guilty of harboring negative feelings against men. Even though I haven’t considered their “crud” that probably got them to act the way they do sexually. I also have been critical about pornography and the people who participate. HOW WRONG I HAVE BEEN. It’s all just sin. No matter what. It’s no different then gossip or stealing. I wanted to write to you ( I read your posts a lot) to let you know that I have been convicted to deal with my crud. I’m miserable and until I do this, I won’t be free. THANK YOU!

    • hisgirl
      Posted at 22:57h, 23 December Reply

      CONGRATS, you brave girl! I am so sorry for your hurt. I know that it can feel like you may never be free from it, but the truth is that Jesus can and will heal us, when we are willing to work hard on the pain. It certainly isn’t an easy fix, but it’s SO worth it. I’m so proud of you for following the Holy Spirit’s prompting to start DEALING. Also, thank you for your wisdom about being judgmental and critical of those that struggle with this. You are right. There is NO difference in any other sin. Praying for your journey. Don’t be afraid. You have Jesus.

  • saints1964
    Posted at 02:30h, 23 December Reply

    I am a man who (sad to say) is a leader in a local church. I struggle with pornography. I am ashamed and it feels empty to me. I would much rather be with a live human being, but have not met a girl who I would consider marrying yet. The guilt that I feel is overwhelming and suffocating. How will I ever be able to do ministry again? I know the truth and I have turned away from it. What godly woman would want a man that looks at porn? I am curious with your sexual background as to your response on single people and masturbation? Is it wrong?

  • franknsense
    Posted at 02:34h, 23 December Reply

    This might sound strange, but I am SO proud of you, Sonya. You have always been so open about sex and you’ve helped many people deal with sexual pain and sin. Sex is powerful. That’s why it’s such a draw. These responses are AMAZING. Are you freaking out? I know you are. Frank and I stand with you as you continue to storm the gates of hell. Taking your sexual pain and telling the truth about sex in the beautiful way you do, is such a blessing. You are a champion. We thank God for you, sister.

    • hisgirl
      Posted at 23:02h, 23 December Reply

      Thank you for your kindness and I appreciate that there are people like you who WILL stand with me. And YES, I am freaking out but in a good way. This has just been overwhelming and beautiful. With everything that I’ve been through, it still shocks me that I LOVE sex and I am committed to pointing people to Jesus and cheering others to ENJOY it the way that God intended and to DEAL WITH THEIR CRUD. Thank you for being on this journey with me.

  • BeckaJ
    Posted at 02:51h, 23 December Reply

    I was told about your site from a friend and I just wanted you to know that I understand your pain. I was molested as a child and I have struggled with drugs and alcohol ever since. I have two kids in foster care because I coudln’t take care of them. I wanted to party more then take care of my kids. You say that Jesus can change everything. What will he change? Does he love people that hurt their kids? I want to change. Is there hope for me?

  • chizzy333
    Posted at 02:57h, 23 December Reply

    This post punched me right in the gut. You must know me (even though I know you don’t) because you were talking to ME. I grew up in a house where there was not a lot of love. My dad was mean to my mom and he had affairs all the time. And my mom was too weak and put up with it. She was afraid to leave him. I watched your video, Sonya and I am SO ashamed. What started out as a casual porn viewing quickly jumped to sex with prostitutes. I avoid all commitment and I will not allow anyone in. Any guy who says that porn is okay is LYING. It may relieve the itch but it is empty. The more I participate the deeper I go. I feel trapped. I feel stupid even writing this to you…the girl who was HURT by men – who violated your body, your trust and your heart. I have looked into the faces of girls like you. It makes me SICK to know that I have done the SAME thing. Will you forgive me? Can you forgive me? I need to stop. What can I do?

  • Demon Slayer
    Posted at 18:35h, 23 December Reply

    I am always in awe of how God works Sonya.

    This post hits home for me and I had to reply. I am married (and currently separated) to an unrecovered sex addict. I have learned a ton about sexual addiction in the past year.

    For those of you who are in the camp pointing fingers at those addicted, you clearly do not understand the issue and I would recommend you educate yourselves.

    For those of you who are addicted, I would strongly suggest checking out Pure Desire Ministries. Google it. They have the resources and tools to shed light on this dark subject. I highly recommend the Conquer Series.

    Jesus forgives and came to set captives free.

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