Why?

Why?

As Pharaoh approached, the people of Israel looked up and panicked when they saw the Egyptians overtaking them. They cried out to the Lord, and they said to Moses, “Why did you bring us out here to die in the wilderness? Weren’t there enough graves for us in Egypt? What have you done to us? Why did you make us leave Egypt? Didn’t we tell you this would happen while we were still in Egypt? We said, ‘Leave us alone! Let us be slaves to the Egyptians. It’s better to be a slave in Egypt than a corpse in the wilderness!’”

But Moses told the people,

“Don’t be afraid. Just stand still and watch the Lord rescue you today. The Egyptians you see today will never be seen again. The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.” Exodus 14:10-14

 

 

Why did you do this?

 

Why did you bring us here?

 

What have you done to us?

 

We knew this would happen.

 

 

Why, why, why, why, why, why, why?

 

 

 

Why is it that we think we know better than God?

 

 

They prayed and asked God to help them and so He does and then they whine about the way that He helped them.

 

Sound familiar? 

 

 

 

My childhood was filled with scary images that sought to erase me. My mom would beat me so badly, that I had a hard time standing up. She was a lonely girl, who never felt loved. She was afraid. She was hurting and lashed out over and over to try to forget her pain and inflict it in me.

 

 

 

 

One night, she had come into my room to beat me. She grabbed any item she could get her hands on and hit me again and again. I never hit her back, but I would simply lift my arms in front of my body to protect myself from her blows. She was screaming at me that I had ruined her life and that she wanted me dead. Suddenly, she went completely still. She stared at me but she wasn’t seeing me. She turned and left the room.

 

 

 

It was quiet. Too quiet.

 

 

 

As I held my breath, I waited. And she did NOT disappoint. She charged into the room, holding her pistol in her hands. I knew it well. It was the one that she kept in her top right hand dresser drawer. As she stepped towards me, I backed away. She lunged for me and grabbed me by my hair.

 

 

Then she shoved the pistol to my mouth and said,

 

“You’re not even worth the bullet.”

 

 

There was this moment that we just looked at each other. She has me by my hair and just smiles at me with this scary, weird smile on her face. This woman that I desperately loved and wanted nothing but her to love me back. Instead, she beat me with the pistol. Then she left me with the lights turned off and the door slammed shut.

 

 

I was hurting really bad and I remember just limping over to my bed. I can’t explain it other than, in that moment I knew “This is it. I can’t take any more.”

 

 

And I prayed out loud,

 

 

“God if You are real, please help me.”

 

And He did.

The very next day, He helped me. He took me away from the only human being that I loved. 

 

 

Many times, we ask God for help but then get crazy mad when He helps because it’s not the path that we would have chosen or the delivery that we had expected. We actually get ANGRY because He didn’t do it the way that we wanted. 

 

 

It’s like trying to tell the artist who is painting the picture, what it is that he IS seeing. Only the artist knows what he’s seeing. 

 

 

 

At the root of this anger is

Fear.

 

Fear that He won’t do what He says he will. Fear that He might allow even more hard things to happen to us. Fear that He doesn’t truly LOVE us. Because why would He? How could He? We know the yuck in our hearts. The reason that Israelites got angry? FEAR. They were afraid God would leave them out there. That He would not deliver them like He promised. The reason that my mom hurt me? FEAR. Fear from her past. Fear of not having control. Fear of never being loved. Her fear came out in anger.

 

 

 

I just wanted the pain to stop. I wanted to be loved. I never wanted to be removed from my mother. I loved her. I just wanted her to love me back. She’s the only person I had on this earth. I felt alone. I was numb. I didn’t even feel human anymore. There were moments when I actually thought, “I’d rather be back getting the beatings, then to feel this.” In other words, I too felt like it would be ‘better to be a slave in Egypt then to be a corpse in the wilderness.’ 

 

 

But in order for me to LIVE, Jesus had to do what He did. That’s how I met Him. That’s how I fell in love with Him.

 

That’s how He changed my life, by changing my life!!!

Was it the path that I would have chosen for myself? NO!!! Was it the path that worked out for my good? YES!!! 

 

 

 

 

 

Love.

All I ever wanted was to be loved. And that nasty “Egyptian” flooded path of hurt and pain and hard stuff…CRUD – was the way that lead me to JESUS.

That path. That plan.

The very thing I always wanted, Jesus gave me. LOVE! 

 

 

 

 

Whatever Egyptian (crud/stuff) you are facing today, you can trust the One who has brought you to this moment. Jesus loves you. He has a plan for your life. No matter where He leads or how He leads you, YOU CAN TRUST HIM! And for goodness sake, don’t be an idiot like me and waste ANY energy getting angry with the Lord because of the way that He decides to deliver you. He loves you. He doesn’t want to harm you. He died for you. You. The whole YOU. All your sin. All your crud. All your fear. YOU.

 

 

So, don’t be afraid.

Just stand still and watch the Lord rescue you today.

 

 

 

 

11 Comments
  • lilstu386
    Posted at 19:05h, 07 July Reply

    I share your pain. My mom beat me when I was a kid. I’ve never really gotten over it. She had no right to hurt me. I was a child. This has caused many issues in my life and I suppose it may have been the reason that I struggle with relationships. I am thankful to be able to hear your story, Sonya. It has affected me in a very serious way. We are strangers but our stories sound similar. I bet you don’t hear that from many men. Thank you for your courage. I have many questions about God and how he could let that happen to us. I don’t know if I can get past this.

  • Cierl
    Posted at 19:13h, 07 July Reply

    I have been in recovery for 8 months. I have also been going to counseling but I wanted to know how to forgive my abuser. All I feel is rage. I was raped by a man in my church on a youth trip 7 years and I feel like my life stopped that day. Why would God let that happen? How do I move on? How will I ever feel whole again? These are the questions that haunt me every night. I have horrible nightmares. You are so brave to tell what happened to you. I have a difficult time with that. How do you know that the bible is true? How do you know that all of that is real?

  • Maryjane08
    Posted at 19:16h, 07 July Reply

    My heart is breaking over this post today. I can’t stop the tears. My husband and I have been trying to have a baby and recently I discovered that I was pregnant. I lost the baby 6 weeks ago and just feel angry. We prayed and prayed that God would allow us to get pregnant and then he did, but he took that away from us. How cruel is that? I know that I need to trust him, but I am so angry. How do you move on from that kind of pain?

  • vic907
    Posted at 19:26h, 07 July Reply

    WOW! I have no words to say to you sweet lady. I am shocked at all you’ve been through and that you are able to have such a positive outlook on life. I have been struggling with a same sex attraction and feel like I’m losing the fight. When I was 10 years old, I had a coach molest me. The thing for me was that I liked the way it felt. So I carry a lot of shame with this. I know that I was a kid but I still didn’t tell anyone. Add that to the fact that I was aroused by it just deepened my shame. I have been attracted to men as long as I can remember. I know that it’s not okay, but I don’t know how to stop it. I have prayed about this till I can’t pray any more and I’m starting to feel like it’s hopeless. I need some of your courage. How do I deal with this? And P.S. Your voice = GORGEOUS. I could listen to it all day.

  • nicole
    Posted at 19:31h, 07 July Reply

    I can so relate to this blog. I prayed and prayed for a husband. The Lord provided me with a wonderful man. We fell in love and got married. He had crud. (thunk) there went my heart. He had been touched by an older family friend and it messed him up and introduced him to sexual things way too early. I didn’t know that he was addicted to pornography. He was doing well, when things were new and wild between us in the beginning. Then as life went on, life happened and we didn’t make each other the priority. I shut down and he turned to porn. It has been the most painful experience of my life. I am angry. Angry at him and angry at God for letting this happen. Tell me how to forgive? How do I hold on when all I want to do is run?

  • Cindy24
    Posted at 19:38h, 07 July Reply

    You bless my socks off! I am so blown away by your love of life, Sonya. How? How can you do what you do? This ministry is truly reaching people. ALL KINDS OF PEOPLE. I am so proud of you, your realness, your humor and how you are charging the very gates of hell with what you are sharing from your own pain. I’m sure it isn’t easy to do what you do. How could it be? From prostitutes to pastors, YOU ARE MAKING A DIFFERENCE. So I love on you today, with the love that YOU share with all of us because of the love of Jesus.

  • Gymhog99
    Posted at 19:50h, 07 July Reply

    I don’t know what to say after reading what you survived. I also read your story and I want to watch the video next. What church do you belong to? You are not like anyone I know. Let’s just say that nothing surprises me and you are a delightful surprise. I lived in a house that was painful, too. My dad was an alcoholic and I was one of 4 kids that grew up feeling like S&*T. He was the sperm donor but nothing remotely like a father. My mother checked out, probably to survive. She didn’t protect us. She didn’t protect me. I have HATED women for years. I’ve never physically hurt a woman but I haven’t emotionally been kind. I’m one of THOSE guys. I use them and then when I’m done, I move on. I won’t let myself attach to anyone. Yes. I guess I have some CRUD as you say. I am not a religious person. I don’t believe it. But I can tell that you do. So I’ve read all of this pain of yours and I’m wondering are you for real? I think it’s absurd that a man (me) could have anything in common with a woman (you) and yet your story calls to me. You’ve got my attention, Sonya. I want to know more. Tell me how you survived. Tell me how you forgave. And lastly, tell me why you BELIEVE.

  • intoyouHq
    Posted at 19:58h, 07 July Reply

    This was excellent. I continue to be blessed with each and every word you write and sing. I can’t put my finger on it but you just seem to ooooze love. I am proud that you have been able to take such a horrible experience and use it to show others that their past doesn’t have to define them. You are a walking, talking, living, breathing miracle. My favorite thing about you is you don’t give in to fear. You seem to almost “ask” for that fight. I love that about you. Keep doing what you are doing and DO NOT STOP. You are making a difference.

  • Sam_trick025
    Posted at 20:06h, 07 July Reply

    Wow. Your courage is amazing. I was sexually abused by teacher when I was a kid. I have had relationship issues ever since. There is nothing that I haven’t tried in order to just stop remembering, stop feeling. I don’t do the church thing. But after watching your video, I have questions. I’ve never heard those things about Jesus like you shared. I know that I have CRUD (that cracks me up but it’s so true) and I would more than anything have peace. Peace. I’m surrounded by what happened to me and I can’t make it stop. Don’t take this the wrong way but I would NEVER want to mess with you. It’s like you take the devil by the balls and twist. No apologies. No excuses. I want that. Something has to change in my life.

  • Carli
    Posted at 20:13h, 07 July Reply

    You are the CRUD dealer. I love you, Sonya!!! Making us deal with our crud one morsel at a time. I love it.
    You have literally kicked my backside with this post today. Keep it up. I would like to come hear you speak live. Do you have events coming up that you can share? Alabaster box is your song.

  • Syd1368
    Posted at 21:03h, 07 July Reply

    This post hit home with me today. I have been in an abusive relationship with a man and it has gotten so bad that people are noticing the marks. I know that this isn’t okay, but I love him and I can’t imagine my life without him. I prayed for a boyfriend. My parents didn’t love me. I was never good enough. I prayed that I would meet a guy and we’d ride off into the sunset. That didn’t happen. I met a guy but he has had trouble with his job and he gets mad and loses control. I realized after reading this that what I REALLY wanted was LOVE. You are SO right. I wanted love. I never felt loved. How do you know that Jesus loves you?

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