It’s a bright sunny Tuesday lunch hour in city near you. Let’s look at two fellow Americans – BETTY and BOBBY.
Bobby works in an office downtown and he’s just run across the street to grab a sandwich. He smiles at a woman that catches his eye. Now he’s back in his cubicle and he’s on his computer watching a video of two young girls and a guy having sex. He’s eating his sandwich and absent-mindedly, twirling the wedding band on his finger as he watches naked bodies grinding against one another. He and his wife used to have sex A LOT. Now, she’d rather be anywhere else…rather than having his hands on her. He’s lonely. His attention is locked on the girls pleasuring the man. Without a second thought, he heads to the restroom and takes care of his needs.
Betty is a homeroom parent at her kids school. She’s just brought snacks that she baked for the fall festival and now she’s enjoying a quiet moment between loads of laundry, checking out her social media accounts and her favorite celebrity’s abs, that he’s posed for his new movie roll. It’s been a long time since she has felt sexy or desired. Her husband works hard but just doesn’t always make her feel like she’s wanted. When they do try to have sex, he always has these unreal expectations and wants to try weird, complicated, positions. She’s not even sure that she can bend like that!? She’s lonely and so she longingly stares at the celebrity smiling with his 12 pack abs. She decides that she could use a little more of that, and with several quick clicks, she’s at her favorite porn site watching a pirate and a “housewife” have wild crazy sex on the deck of a makeshift pirate ship.
Sad, right? Would it break your heart more to know that Betty and Bobby are married….to…each…other???
Just listen to this comment I got from a reader.
“I have been married for 13 years and in that time I have struggled with a pornography addiction. I can tell you many reasons why I continue to do this. It feels great. There’s no pressure to talk. No pressure to perform. No work on my part at all. And I enjoy it. My wife is a great mother to our children. She’s attentive to them and nurturing. But she acts like I don’t exist. I feel like an outcast in my own home. I’ve never been unfaithful to her. I come home every night. But inside I just feel like I’m losing this battle. I used to justify it because I said if she ‘doesn’t want me, then she won’t care’ how I get off. I’m hurt. I feel angry and I want to talk to her about this but I don’t know if I have the courage to do it. I’ve been rejected enough. What if she wants a divorce? At least by avoiding it, we’re still married.”
SEX DENIAL DENIAL DENAIL = PORN CRUD EXILE!
I hear from MEN AND WOMEN almost every day that are hurting with loneliness, sexual sin and sexual abuse in their pasts, and from many who say that they have no desire for sex within their marriages.
Here’s what I will say…every person that I have talked to, who is struggling in their marriage, has CRUD in their life that they have NOT dealt with.
Love, trust, intimacy, pleasure, sex, romance, and fun is all part of the sexual experience. Because of their crud, they have not experienced sex in the way that God intended. They are hurting, lonely and broken. Many are confused and shut off from real, genuine, relationships. The internet has become their empty substitute.
My heart is that people would be “free” of anything that holds them back from having the life that Jesus has planned for them. SEX is not the enemy. The DESIRE is a normal response to how God has wired us. It’s not even remotely a negative thing. Sex is intense, wonderful, erotic, sweet and it should be done God’s way. And when it is done His way, His way is mind-blowingly-AWESOME.
It’s not a “guy” thing. It’s not a “do your duty” thing. It’s not a “let’s get this over with” thing. It’s a “man and woman who have committed their hearts and lives to each other” thing. It’s a GOD thing!!! He designed it. Don’t let satan make you think ANYTHING else.
Satan is having a field day with pornography and empty sexless marriages. Enough already!!! Sex should be one of the deepest connections you and your spouse have between you. Never boring. Always passionate. Always with a heart that says, “I trust you with everything so I willingly give you everything.”
BANG as the door slams shut.
That’s the hard part. Isn’t it? Sin, crud, hurt, betrayal, abuse, lies, adultery, divorce, pain and the desire to never be hurt again has taken over our lives to the point that we are trapped in the CRUD.
I’m NOT surprised that pornography is the “new drug”. I’m not surprised that it’s captured our attention, our minds and our hearts. I’m not surprised that men and women would choose this form of gratifying stimulant over opening their heart up for MORE hurt and pain. A picture won’t leave you. A video doesn’t touch you, force itself on you, or abuse you. An image doesn’t ignore you or say hurtful things to you. A text doesn’t have the messiness of looking into someone’s heart and soul. You can stop texting any time. But when it’s a human being, you have to engage with a real person.
Pornography draws a response. It “GETS” you there.
Pornography has ZERO commitment.
You understand that the addiction to pornography is that it’s immediate gratification and the ultimate protection from getting hurt, right? Pornography takes out the very essence of what God intended sexual intimacy to be…NO PEOPLE – NO RELATIONSHIP. You have taken out the soul and the heart of SEX by narrowing it to one person being aroused by electronics or images. Immediate gratification, lust, and ZERO commitment or engagement in true human relationships. But here’s the thing…if you LUST after another person, the bible says you have committed adultery.
When we look at pornography, we are choosing to indulge the lust, we are actually fertilizing the lust and we are creating a need for more and more in order to get sexually aroused AGAIN. If you looked at a picture of breasts over and over again, after a short while, that would be “normal” to you and in order to become sexually aroused, you would have to look at something other than the breasts to get turned on. Images are SO powerful and once they’re there, they can’t be erased.
But the thing that is the most gut wrenching to me about pornography is, when we look at it, we are CHOOSING to exploit people sexually and not batting an eyelash as to the heart and mind of that individual and how they have been hurt, abused, sold, drugged, raped, betrayed and forced to be engaged in sexual activity on camera. We look at the image because we WANT to and we then become the reason for the pornography industry. The reason that the pornography industry is so lucrative is because every one of us that has participated in the viewing of a video, movie, or picture – WE ARE a sex/pornography consumer. You and I have perpetuated the REASON for the supply and demand.
EVERYTHING belongs to Jesus. Our hearts and minds belong to the Lord. When we are married our bodies belong to our spouse. Period.
“The Lord God fashioned into a woman the rib which He had taken from the man, and brought her to the man. The man said,“This is now bone of my bones, And flesh of my flesh; She shall be called Woman, Because she was taken out of Man.” For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.” Genesis 2:22-25
If I choose to look at pornography, then I have allowed that to intrude on Rick’s domain. If Rick views pornography, he has CHOSEN to be aroused by something other than his wife.
Jesus is ALL about commitment. He’s all about relationships. He is all about connection. He’s all about love. Trust. Forgiveness. Communication. Intimacy. Is it any wonder why satan is trying to kill that? DUH to the HUH. He’s taking away true relationship and intimacy. Connection and trust. And we are letting him. If we have no relationships, we have nothing.
So instead of stating the obvious about how addictive and damaging pornography is, I’d rather focus on what I want my relationship to be, what I want to put in, what I want out of my relationship. If you have sexual abuse in your past, talk to someone. If you have an addiction to sex or pornography, get help. If you are married and you are in a sexless marriage, have the courage to ask WHY and deal with the issues of that WHY. There are resources for you. Don’t be afraid to deal with the crud.
Jesus Christ came to this world to SAVE it. NOT to condemn it. He wants to heal your heart, and restore the empty broken places in your life. He wants you to be honest. He wants you to trust Him. He wants YOU.
As mentioned, there are MANY great resources out there to educate and offer suggestions. There are excellent counseling options, support groups as well as curriculum and books for help. The help is there is you WANT it. I would simply add this…there are plenty of options out there but there are hundreds of thousands who are not going to go get the help that’s available. There are so many participating in pornography today (remember it’s accessible, free, private, easily justified as a ‘need, not hurting anyone, God made us to want it, no emotional hassles, no big deal’) alternative to true human relationships that the numbers can’t possibly reflect the truth of the participation and addiction. One thing that has NOT changed since old testament days until today…SEX is powerful and the desire to attain sexual gratification is undeniably one of the most powerful feelings in the WORLD.
So what can we do?
#1 We can be honest about our own feelings, thoughts and attitudes about sex and our own sexual activity. Honesty with ourselves and with God is an absolute MUST in regards to sex, sexual activity, masturbation, lust, sexual abuse and same sex attraction. Are we looking at pornography and WHY? We MUST find out the answer to this question in order to get to the root of our activity in viewing pornography.
#2 We can make it easier for others to be SAFE to tell the truth about their struggle. That means not repeating shared information or gossiping about what is shared. THAT MEANS WE NEED TO KEEP OUR MOUTHS SHUT, people! No one will talk about their struggle with this issue because they are afraid of people talking about them behind their backs, labeling them and judgement. Let’s create a NEW SAFE ZONE for getting real with our struggles and our sin.
It’s biblical.
“Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much.” James 5:16
#3 We can change the culture of pornography by refusing to give in or give up. FIGHT! It’s a battle. We must do WHATEVER it takes to STOP this destructive behavior. Get rid of everything that enables you to continue. Choose to be accountable to your mate AND to a person who is full of integrity, will tell you the TRUTH and will point you to Jesus and His word for accountability.
It’s an addictive cycle that has serious ramifications. Don’t believe me? Well read this.
Pornhub, the internet’s largest portal of porn, showed the following numbers from 2014. Please keep in mind this is just one site. Total visits: 18.35 billion
Number of videos viewed: 78.9 billion; 11 videos for every man, woman and child on earth.
The most searched term: Teen
23% of Pornhub’s viewers are women
The U.S. is Number 1 in per capita page views.
45% of porn is viewed on smartphones, 44% on desktop PCs, and the rest on tablets.
Pornhub, 2014 year in review, January 7, 2015:
56% of divorce cases had one person who was hooked on porn.
Porn is a 13 billion dollar industry
The US produces 89% of the world’s pornography.
Intitial age of porn exposure – 11
More than 50% of porn internet users report losing interest in sex with their partner.
40% of those who are sexually addicted lose their spouse.
58% suffer financial loss. 1/3 lose their jobs
Severe clinical depression was reported twice as frequently among porn users as compared to non-porn users.
– Christian Post, December 30, 2013
The U.S. is the worldwide King of Porn.
60% of all porn pages are hosted in the U.S.
In addition, California is the engine of the U.S. Porn industry, churning out 66% of all porn made in the U.S.
In the Springs of 2012, PBS published the results of a survey by the Kinsey Institute. There were 10,453 respondents, 80% of who were men.
When asked why they used porn, the top 5 reasons given were:
1. To masturbate / for physical release.
2. For sexual arousal.
3. From curiosity.
4. “Because I can fantasize about things I wouldn’t necessarily want to do in real life.”
5. For distraction.
– PBS Frontline; American Porn
It starts with ME – YOU – US! We have to ask ourselves the tough questions and then make a CHOICE to not participate. It’s not HOPELESS. There is forgiveness and healing if you are willing to deal with this truthfully. There is help available. You must make the choice to get the help you need.
What will you choose?
The more you deal, the more you will heal. Denying the sin or the struggle will only land you in exile. Denial leads to exile.
Deal with your crud or your crud will deal with you.
15 Responses
Because I’ve been hurt in the past, I realized that I don’t want my body to belong to anyone. Even my spouse. I don’t want to open myself up to get hurt. This was a huge revelation for me, Sonya. Thanks for sharing.
I loved this, Sonja. I have shared it many times. The struggle is real. I needed this today. I have some “crud” that I need to deal with regarding sex and some fears that I’ve let control my life. Thank you for making us feel that we’re not alone.
Hi Sonya. I have been married for 3 years and I thought things were great. Until the night I walked into my living room and caught my husband watching porn. And not just any kind of porn but men with men. I left and went to my parents and have been staying here. I had no idea he was attracted to men. This has caused me to become severely depressed and now I’m on anti-depressants to be able to function. Thank god we didn’t have kids. It’s almost like I think I could’ve handled him watching women but men??? I can’t handle it. I feel so stupid. Why didn’t I see this before? Why wasn’t he honest with me? I wanted to ask you how do you forgive something like this?
I really loved this article, sonya. Especially point #2. “We can make it easier for others to be SAFE to tell the truth about their struggle. That means not repeating shared information or gossiping about what is shared. THAT MEANS WE NEED TO KEEP OUR MOUTHS SHUT, people! No one will talk about their struggle with this issue because they are afraid of people talking about them behind their backs, labeling them and judgement. Let’s create a NEW SAFE ZONE for getting real with our struggles and our sin.” I am a christian and felt that I needed to come clean with my struggle with pornography. I wanted to share it and get it out into the light. I had already shared all of this with my wife. We were slowly trying to wade our way through that. She was gracious and kind. She also, didn’t take any crap off of me. Which is exactly what I needed. But I thought it was exactly what you wrote, “Confess your sins to one another.” I felt like I could trust these people. So I shared this with a group at my church and they did not keep it confidential. It hurt my wife. It hurt my kids and it forced us to leave the church. It took us a long time to even want to go back to a church. Any church. We found a great group of people that we are doing church life with and love it. I still hold some things back. I probably always will. It’s an important message that you’ve written about here and the “church” needs to wake up and create an environment for all of us that will be safe and confidential and biblical. If we don’t do that then we are hindering the healing process. Thank you.
I read your blog and wanted to ask you if you think masturbation is wrong?
Point #1. I have NOT been honest about my sexual activity. I watch porn all the time. I’m not married but I know that it’s already caused issues in my relationships because the women that I’m dating don’t like it. In fact, it pisses them off that I would do such a thing. The thing is, after I’ve watched it, I feel empty. It gets me where I need to go but that’s only temporary. I’ve also noticed that it gets harder and harder to be with an actual woman now because the emotional baggage is too intense and I don’t have time for that. Porn is just an ends to a means. But I know that this is not going to sustain me throughout my life. I want to find the “one”. I want to settle down and have a family. After reading this, I realized that I need to be honest with myself. But what am I gonna do? Tell my fiends that I’m feeling “bad” about watching porn? That’s not going to happen. Men don’t talk about that. I’d like to know what you think. What should I do?
I read all your posts and have followed your blog for the last two years. I love this article in particular. Pornography has been the “other woman” in my marriage the entire time we’ve been together. He gets caught. I cry. He tells me how sorry he is and then two weeks later, I catch him again. My husband is a good man. I know this. But I feel like this “need” to watch porn is beyond a normal desire for a man. I am here. I’m right in the next room and he’s right next to me watching other women and men and whatever else he’s looking at having sex. He says that he is attracted to me and that sex is good. But why is he still feeling like he needs to watch that? I feel defeated. I’m hurt and I want to leave. Tell me what to do!
My name is Makayla and I am 17 years old. I started reading erotica about two years ago. It has gotten to the point that I feel like I’m addicted to reading it. I find that I even experiment more with guys to do the things that I read about in the stories that I read. Sometimes I think that it could be wrong to do what I’ve done. Is it wrong to read about people having sex? I mean it’s not like I’m participating. I want to know if you feel that masturbation is wrong and what about oral sex? I want a guy like I read about to sweep me off my feet. But most of the guys that I’ve been with hit it and quit and then call again. So the books are my way to get lost in the romance and not have to deal with these guys. I keep thinking that I’ll find the one that will be just like these guys but the real thing is always a disappointment. No guy has ever cared about making me come first. They don’t care about that. They only care about that they come and that’s it. So I read my books and masturbate. I mean I do it because I like it but then I feel depressed. Is that all there is for me?
Is masturbation wrong?
I really liked this post. My issue isn’t that my husband feels like he wants to look at porn, my issue is that he won’t stop when I’ve told him it hurts me. I feel like he’s betrayed my trust. It’s hard to move past that.
I had to write to you today. I have struggled with pornography for years. Every time I think I have a handle on it, it seems like I’m pulled back in. Your blog was hard to read but I felt like you were speaking the truth. Thank you for your words. You will never know how much they helped me.
I’ve struggled with pornography for years. I agree with the husband that wrote “It feels great. There’s no pressure to talk. No pressure to perform. No work on my part at all. And I enjoy it.” I don’t think women understand that a man thinks about sex A LOT. Like all the time. By us looking at porn doesn’t mean we need “someone else”. It means, I need to get off NOW. That’s all it is. Really.
And BTW you have really beautiful eyes.
Thank you for your words today. Pornography ruined my marriage. I have been so angry with him to the point of hatred. I can’t get past it. I had some abuse in my past and was not honest with my ex husband about my feelings about sex. I was too ashamed to tell him the truth. At first when I read your article, I thought that you were trying to say that women need to get over it. But I realized that you weren’t saying that at all. I think what you were saying is that we all have a part to play and that we all need to be honest about our parts. Is that right? I don’t know if I will ever marry again but I feel like I can finally forgive him and let it go. Thank you, Sonya. Your ministry is so powerful for Jesus.
I understand what you’re trying to say, but what does a guy do if his own wife won’t have sex with him? I’ve tried to get her to talk to me and she won’t. I feel like our marriage is over. What marriage? She never really gave herself to me. Not really. Feeling hopeless.
These statistics broke my heart. I have to admit that I have been judgmental about this issue of pornography and the Lord truly convicted me that I need to knock it off. Love your heart, Sonya.