When Good is Bad

When Good is Bad

It’s a day like any other.

 

And then something WONDERFUL happens. You get GREAT news. Something GOOD has happened to you.

 

 

You smile, cry, cheer, jump up and down and maybe do an awkward happy dance. And not even 10 minutes later you are agitated, depressed, uneasy and scowling. You’ve begun to decimate the GOOD that’s happening by implementing OPERATION SELF-SABATOGE.

 

 

We begin to allow our minds to doubt the good, doubt our worthiness to receive the good and start making stupid decisions and choices based on past unresolved CRUD.

 

 

When I got away from my abuse, I was void of everything I needed to give and receive love. I wasn’t human. I didn’t believe that anyone would ever love me. I had been told and shown in so many ways that I was worthless and unwanted.

 

 

So at 12 years old, I gave up the HOPE that I would ever be loved.

 

 

Finding Rick was a light in my darkness. From the very beginning we had a connection. Everyone had their “opinions” about me and what they thought they knew about my past and assumed that I was TROUBLE. But right away, Rick was different. He made me laugh. He listened. He joked around and teased me. He didn’t treat me any differently. And he didn’t WANT anything from me. He simply chose to be my friend.

 

 

That began a friendship that would change my life. The first time he told me he loved me, I couldn’t breathe. It was the scariest, most wonderful thing that had ever happened. He LOVED me.

 

 

 

When we decided to get married, I was so happy. I have never loved another human being as much as I love Rick Brunner. I couldn’t believe that something so good was happening to ME.

 

But I broke the rule. I did the one thing that a person who’s been hurt must never do. I dared to believe that it could be real. I dared to HOPE.

 

It didn’t take long and I began to feel the impending doom and destructible, self-sabotage thoughts.

 

WHY?

 

First rule of self preservation – beat em’ to the punch. Hurt them before they hurt you. End it before it ends. Strike before you’re struck.

 

I couldn’t believe that he wanted me.

Why would he want me?

I’m not pretty enough.

I’m not good enough.

I wasn’t good “christian girl” material.

He could do so much better then me.

I was used goods.

Ugly.

Dirty.

Bad.

 

And so I did the only thing that I knew to do.

 

 

I remember the day that I broke up with him. The hurt in his voice is something that I’ll never forget. I watched him slowly turn and walk away, after pleading with me to not do this.

 

My fear of being hurt caused me to hurt the one that I loved the most.

 

 

When you’ve been hurt, you will do ANYTHING to never feel that pain again. I couldn’t allow myself to be hurt by anyone ever again. So instead of taking that chance, I saw to it that Rick would never hurt me. I ended it. Even though I knew that he held my heart, I wouldn’t allow someone to have that much power. It wouldn’t take long and he would soon discover that I am unlovable, unworthy, and a dirty girl.

 

 

So when his brother called to talk to me, I knew that I had to be as convincing and stoic as I could. Ron and I had also been friends for years and he knew me well and he knew his brother even better. So when he asked me “Sonya, why are you doing this?” I felt sick. I was such a liar. I wanted to scream that I was afraid and that I wanted Rick more then anything. But I didn’t do that. With great resolve, I told him “He doesn’t want to marry someone like me. I’m not good enough for him. He needs a good girl. Not me. He needs to marry someone good.”

 

 

You don’t know how much it hurts my heart to read these words that I’ve written here. It physically hurts me to know that I felt that way about myself. I almost lost the greatest gift I’ve ever had because I wouldn’t trust Jesus for His goodness.

 

 

I thank God that He allowed Ron to talk some sense into me. We worked it out and obviously we DID get married and have been married for 23 years. But I need to be very clear. It has NOT been easy. I’ve worked really hard to deal with my crud. But this is the sneaky thing about crud. It comes up when you least expect it. That’s why you must deal with it as it comes. Each time. Every time. Until it’s not influencing our decisions and responses.

 

To this very day, I’ll sometimes have thoughts that are so negative like “There’s no way that he can truly love me. Why would he?” And like the hero that he is, Rick just keeps loving me and proving it in words and deeds.

 

 

How? He doesn’t leave me. He doesn’t say one thing and do another. He tells me he’s sorry when he blows it. He forgives me when I need it. He works hard to take care of me. He hurts with me when I hurt. He makes me laugh. He doesn’t hold my past against me. He doesn’t judge me or belittle me. He lets me fail and he helps me to soar. He’s my Jesus with skin on.

 

I hear from people over and over again who will not allow themselves to believe in the GOOD THINGS that God brings.

 

And it’s always because of CRUD.

 

 

When you’ve been hurt in the past and trust is broken, if you don’t deal with that hurt truthfully and forgive the ones that have hurt you OR yourself for the choices you’ve made, that CRUD infiltrates EVERYTHING in your life.

 

 

So when God DOES allow wonderful things to happen to us, we cannot, will not – allow ourselves to receive it. Because of our experiences in the past, we sabotage ourselves from allowing the good things to happen, because we think that we better not dare to HOPE for anything or we’ll only get hurt. AGAIN.

 

 

When we self-sabatoge the good, we think we control the pain. We think we’re in control of the disappointment.

 

 

Have you ever freaked out because things are going good? STOP IT!

 

 

Jesus IS good.

 

 

Jesus allows good stuff to happen for our good. The good is just as profitable and profound and can teach us something as significant as the bad. How sad when God allows wonderful things to happen and we are so fleshy and full of worldly sarcasm and cynicism that we question it. We would rather dismiss the truth of the good things because we “fear” that something bad is going to happen or we’re waiting for the next shoe to drop.

 

 

We ARE NOT God.

 

 

Self-sabotage is a result of past crud, sin and a complete lack of faith. When we take matters into our own hands and we self-sabotage the minute good success begins to be revealed, we’re saying that we don’t trust Jesus to know and do what’s best for us. Instead we believe things like “How long will it last” or “It’s too good to be true” or this oldie but goodie…”Good things happen to everyone else, not me.”

 

 

A person who sabotages the good things that happen in their life, is a person who is afraid to HOPE. It’s daring to have the HOPE that scars you when you allow yourself to feel it and then it doesn’t happen. Or you believe that it will never happen to you again. It’s that fear that catapults us to derail any appearance of good things. That way we can never be disappointed or hurt again.

 

 

Good things DO happen. Grace, joy, forgiveness, laughter, love, restoration, redemption, victory, peace. The bible is loaded with tons of GOOD things that happened. 

 

STOP thinking that GOOD is BAD!!!

 

 

If you find yourself in the middle of this predicament called “GOOD THINGS ARE HAPPENING” don’t freak out. Whatever doubts, fears or self-sabotage you are engaging in, STOP. Talk to Jesus about all of that emotion. Ask Him to reveal why you can’t allow yourself to trust the good.

 

Stop trying to do HIS job! 

 

Why do you feel you don’t deserve it or that you’re not worthy of the good things He has chosen to give? Isn’t that HIS choice to give us good things? Jesus didn’t come to this world to condemn the world but to save it. This world has SIN. Everyone has a choice. We either choose God or we don’t. Because people have a choice, they CHOOSE to sin. We have chosen to sin. Do you get that?

 

 

Sin is what caused you and I hurt and pain. God didn’t do that. Ask Him to forgive you for not trusting Him.

 

 

It’s okay to trust in hope. Jesus is the hope. He CAN be trusted. When you place your hope in Jesus Christ, He will NEVER fail. He is good. Trust Him.

 

 

THANK JESUS for the GOOD things. Trust His perfect heart. Trust His perfect timing. And trust His perfect love. 

10 Comments
  • JustineT
    Posted at 15:37h, 22 January Reply

    This really hit home with me today. I never realized how much I self-sabotage. I have been in several relationships but when a “commitment” is presented and I’m supposed to make that decision, I can’t allow myself to jump. I’ve hurt a lot of people and myself. I guess I have some CRUD to deal with. Thank you for sharing this.

  • Rob67Hemop
    Posted at 15:40h, 22 January Reply

    I love to read about your life, Sonya. It makes me feel like there is hope. I have been hurt by someone and it has been a struggle to trust people. I want to allow others inside, but my wall is built very high. The part that you wrote about “Good things DO happen…” I forget that part. It seems that I’m always focused on what bad could happen, that I miss the good that has happened. How do you change?

  • Kate644
    Posted at 15:44h, 22 January Reply

    Oh no you didin’t. This was REALLY good, Sonya. I do this and I have many friends who do this. For me, it is an unworthiness. I don’t feel like I deserve the good. I was 10 years old when my dad left us. I felt like my whole world was over. I felt like it was my fault. If he wouldn’t stay for me then I wasn’t worth loving. After that I just hid inside myself. I have relationships but only at the surface level. It’s gotten so bad that when I was offered a promotion at work, I literally sabotaged it by worrying that I wouldn’t do a good enough job so therefore I did a horrible job – thus making it true. Keep doing what you’re doing. It’s making a difference.

  • J28CoonR
    Posted at 15:49h, 22 January Reply

    Oh ouch! This blasted me. I am guilty of this, myself. I never saw it like you said before. When you wrote, “Self-sabotage is a result of past crud, sin and a complete lack of faith. When we take matters into our own hands and we self-sabotage the minute good success begins to be revealed, we’re saying that we don’t trust Jesus to know and do what’s best for us. Instead we believe things like “How long will it last” or “It’s too good to be true” or this oldie but goodie…”Good things happen to everyone else, not me,” I was floored. It’s exactly what I’ve been doing all my life because of my crud. I guess I have a ton of work to do. Thank you for your courage. Your husband is a lucky man.

  • Gene096v
    Posted at 15:51h, 22 January Reply

    Sin caused the hurt and pain. That just hit me so hard. I have blamed God for things that aren’t his fault. How did you learn to trust Rick? God? I want to learn but something stops me from doing it. I know if I trust someone, they’re going to hurt me.

  • Elle90gig
    Posted at 15:57h, 22 January Reply

    This was so good, Sonya! I mean I read it and then read it again. I think I’ve read it 20 times, and each time God shows me areas of my life that have not lined up with His heart. I love the way you write. It’s so raw. It connects with me on many levels. You have a way of breaking down walls in people and it’s been a powerful thing to witness (even through the internet) how God uses you. You are shining a light on things that we Christians have avoided for too long.

  • Designer15
    Posted at 16:02h, 22 January Reply

    Once again, you share a horrible moment from your past and it reaches into people’s hearts. I tried to put myself in your shoes as you watched Rick walk away. How devastated you must have felt, knowing that it wasn’t anyone doing this but yourself. And that’s what happens to those of us who have been betrayed by ‘someone who should’ve known better but didn’t do better by us.’ (I love how you always say that). After reading your blog, I feel like I can understand “why” you pushed him away. I have someone in my life that I did the same thing to. We didn’t get our happy ending though. It has been my biggest regret in my life. I want to know how you allowed yourself to trust again.

  • BethZ33
    Posted at 16:03h, 22 January Reply

    This was for me. Thank you for your bravery and for opening yourself up to all of us. It gives me courage to deal with my CRUD.

  • TinaHuf31
    Posted at 16:08h, 22 January Reply

    Guilty as charged. I never saw that this was what I was doing when the bad things happened. And then when they happened and I sabotage it, then I become the victim again ‘see, nothing ever goes good for me.’ It’s a pitiful cycle. And I’m sick of it. Thank you for writing this. Sonya, I don’t know you but I feel like I’ve known you for years. I love your blog. Every time I read it, I get something out of it. I am not afraid to deal with my crud anymore. You have made a huge impact in my life. Thank you.

  • BeauD
    Posted at 16:13h, 22 January Reply

    Well, I couldn’t believe it but I think I’m the “rick” in your story. I was in love with a girl who did the exact same thing as you. It’s been about 3 years since she pushed me away. When it happened, I was so hurt and I allowed my anger to stay away. I know that she has baggage from her past (crud) and so do I. When she hurt me, I became a person that I never wanted to be. Angry, mean and withdrawn. I wanted you to know that I am going to contact her. We still live in the same city. She isn’t married. I’ve not been in a serious relationship since her. I feel like it’s my shot to make things right. Even if she doesn’t want me, I need to do this so that I can move on. Do you have any advice for me, before I go and tear my heart open AGAIN?

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