11 Jul What Elephant?
I got this comment from a man in St. Louis.
“Enough with the ‘Deal with your crud’ already! I know that you’re trying to make us deal with our issues but sometimes those issues are best left ALONE. My wife and I have been married for 11 years and we’re doing great. Well, not great but we’re just like any other couple. We don’t have any crud. We’re good. Not EVERYONE has crud.
There is NO ELEPHANT in the room!
What good is it going to do to open up old wounds? It doesn’t matter that my father used to beat the living crap out of me. Did it hurt me? Yes. Did it make me independent? Yes. Does it drive me to be the best? Yes. I don’t need to “deal” with any of that. What can I do to change that? Nothing. Discussing it won’t change that it happened. I don’t hit my wife. So what, if I don’t share my feelings? I’ve learned to depend on me. Nothing is for certain. Emotional love is over-rated and probably not real.
What difference will it make to talk about the fact that my wife was probably raped (I think she was raped but we’ve never talked about it outright) when she was a teenager? It’s only going to bring up something painful in her life and push her away. So she doesn’t want to have sex? Most women aren’t into that like men. Does it bother me? Yes. Do I wish she would trust me to open up and tell me what happened? Yes. I have other ways to get what I need. It’s not a CRIME to look at pornography. EVERYONE looks at pornography. I’m not looking at children or 3-ways. It’s not like I’m going to cheat on her. Our routine works for us. I work hard to provide for her and I come home every night. That’s more than I ever had as a kid.
I have no doubt that there are some really messed up people. Save the therapy for those people. They need it. Jesus might work for you but He’s not for everyone. He’s never done anything for me and I’ve done just fine. So NO! I won’t be dealing with my crud because we don’t have any.”
Yep…NO ELEPHANTS here.
Most people just won’t read my posts if it doesn’t relate to them in some way. So why does he read them? Why did he write to me to tell me how he FEELS?
1. The first thing I noticed was the ‘great…well not great’ comment. This is an obvious “we are not where I know we COULD be” statement. It’s an acknowledgement that things are not okay.
2. Second thing I noticed is HIS NON CRUD. Physical abuse from his father. Which hurt him, made him independent (I’d say more like a protective wall around him so that he wouldn’t continue to get hurt) made him question his worth and DRIVES him to constantly prove himself. He doesn’t express his feelings (yet he’s writing to me expressing his feelings), doesn’t put himself out there, depends only on himself, has no hope because ‘nothing is for certain’ and does not believe love is real (because it wasn’t real in his life as he was hurt by those that should’ve known better but didn’t do better.) Yep…definitely ZERO crud there.
3. Her NON existent crud of some kind of sexual hurt in her past that she’s not likely shared with anyone. It would be very difficult to NOT have crud after some type of violence or abuse. There are many different publications of scientific evidence that would prove a change of chemical activity in the brain when people undergo trauma and abuse. Without dealing with that pain, our responses to life as it happens, can be skewed and unhealthy. She stuffs it down and doesn’t acknowledge it but that CRUD is acknowledging her in that she won’t be sexual with her husband. BIG nonexistent ELEPHANT in the room.
4. He suspects his wife was RAPED and he hasn’t talked to her about it? She hasn’t talked to him about it? WHAT? Again, his NON crud is showing here. Nothing is for certain, love isn’t real. Driven to prove that he is a man, good, worthy, doesn’t need anyone else, only depends on himself and only trusts himself. So talking about his wife’s rape would throw him into a tailspin. It would take him out of his CONTROL zone because he would NOT be able to DO something about it. He’s driven…to prove…love isn’t real anyway, nothing is certain. I deal with this issue a lot in my ministry. Men will write to me and ask me what they can DO to FIX it. We don’t fix anyone!
Remember my article “Fixin’ to Fix It?” http://wp.me/p4FDQF-1kX We don’t fix anyone. What we can do is love, listen, pray, STAY.
5. He is lonely. Very lonely. He wants to have connection with his wife. He wants to provide for her and doesn’t know HOW. A lot of men feel this way. And many will not ask for help. So they do what they know to do and choose other activities, to distract them from the current conditions in the home. It bothers him that she won’t trust him, yet he is stating that love isn’t real and nothing is certain. I would say that if she is carrying around this secret in her heart, she too, is LONELY. ELEPHANT at 12 o’clock.
6. “OUR ROUTINE WORKS FOR US.” Why do I NOT believe him? Rick and I are a couple that does NOT have a routine. We have a crazy, wonderful, challenging, busy life that is constantly changing. So routine is NOT our thing. At all. We fight HARD. We love even HARDER. It’s this passion that makes our family who we are. In ministry, relationships, professions and love. If you find yourself in a routine, I would HIGHLY recommend that you STOP it. The bible is loaded with lots of challenges, miracles, activity and change was THE constant. Changing the world, changing the direction, changing hearts, changing minds, changing beliefs. CHANGE is good. Change is freeing. God loves us enough to not leave us where we are. Faith is an adventure. So live that adventure. Don’t be afraid of CHANGE!
7. Are most women not into sex? Or is there CRUD that is below the surface that has yet to be dealt with? IS EVERYONE looking at PORNOGRAPHY? Is that true? Heaven help us if it is. I can tell you that in my own ministry, sexual gratification, pornography and sexual dysfunction is the topic that I deal with the most. Is it true that NOT EVERYONE HAS CRUD? I don’t know how it would be possible to live in this world, and NOT have crud. Crud is the emotion that happens when someone or something has hurt us.
Our needs are met only in Jesus Christ and you are fooling yourself if you think otherwise.
8. “Jesus might work for you but He’s not for everyone. He’s never done anything for me and I’ve done just fine.” Are we fine, though? Not everyone will choose to believe in Jesus Christ. That is really hard for me to swallow. I know it’s their choice but it hurts my heart to know that they will face a life without hope and without knowing for CERTAIN that love is REAL in Jesus. Here is the truth.
Jesus IS for everyone. Jesus did EVERYTHING for us. We are NOTHING apart from Him.