What Elephant?

What Elephant?

I got this comment from a man in St. Louis.

“Enough with the ‘Deal with your crud’ already! I know that you’re trying to make us deal with our issues but sometimes those issues are best left ALONE. My wife and I have been married for 11 years and we’re doing great. Well, not great but we’re just like any other couple. We don’t have any crud. We’re good. Not EVERYONE has crud.

There is NO ELEPHANT in the room!

What good is it going to do to open up old wounds? It doesn’t matter that my father used to beat the living crap out of me. Did it hurt me? Yes. Did it make me independent? Yes. Does it drive me to be the best? Yes. I don’t need to “deal” with any of that. What can I do to change that? Nothing. Discussing it won’t change that it happened. I don’t hit my wife. So what, if I don’t share my feelings? I’ve learned to depend on me. Nothing is for certain. Emotional love is over-rated and probably not real.

What difference will it make to talk about the fact that my wife was probably raped (I think she was raped but we’ve never talked about it outright) when she was a teenager? It’s only going to bring up something painful in her life and push her away. So she doesn’t want to have sex? Most women aren’t into that like men. Does it bother me? Yes. Do I wish she would trust me to open up and tell me what happened? Yes. I have other ways to get what I need. It’s not a CRIME to look at pornography. EVERYONE looks at pornography. I’m not looking at children or 3-ways. It’s not like I’m going to cheat on her. Our routine works for us. I work hard to provide for her and I come home every night. That’s more than I ever had as a kid.

I have no doubt that there are some really messed up people. Save the therapy for those people. They need it. Jesus might work for you but He’s not for everyone. He’s never done anything for me and I’ve done just fine. So NO! I won’t be dealing with my crud because we don’t have any.”

Deep sigh.



Most people just won’t read my posts if it doesn’t relate to them in some way. So why does he read them? Why did he write to me to tell me how he FEELS?

1. The first thing I noticed was the ‘great…well not great’ comment. This is an obvious “we are not where I know we COULD be” statement. It’s an acknowledgement that things are not okay.

2. Second thing I noticed is HIS NON CRUD. Physical abuse from his father. Which hurt him, made him independent (I’d say more like a protective wall around him so that he wouldn’t continue to get hurt) made him question his worth and DRIVES him to constantly prove himself. He doesn’t express his feelings (yet he’s writing to me expressing his feelings), doesn’t put himself out there, depends only on himself, has no hope because ‘nothing is for certain’ and does not believe love is real (because it wasn’t real in his life as he was hurt by those that should’ve known better but didn’t do better.) Yep…definitely ZERO crud there.

3. Her NON existent crud of some kind of sexual hurt in her past that she’s not likely shared with anyone. It would be very difficult to NOT have crud after some type of violence or abuse. There are many different publications of scientific evidence that would prove a change of chemical activity in the brain when people undergo trauma and abuse. Without dealing with that pain, our responses to life as it happens, can be skewed and unhealthy. She stuffs it down and doesn’t acknowledge it but that CRUD is acknowledging her in that she won’t be sexual with her husband. BIG nonexistent ELEPHANT in the room.

4. He suspects his wife was RAPED and he hasn’t talked to her about it? She hasn’t talked to him about it? WHAT? Again, his NON crud is showing here. Nothing is for certain, love isn’t real. Driven to prove that he is a man, good, worthy, doesn’t need anyone else, only depends on himself and only trusts himself. So talking about his wife’s rape would throw him into a tailspin. It would take him out of his CONTROL zone because he would NOT be able to DO something about it. He’s driven…to prove…love isn’t real anyway, nothing is certain. I deal with this issue a lot in my ministry. Men will write to me and ask me what they can DO to FIX it. We don’t fix anyone!

Remember my article “Fixin’ to Fix It?” http://wp.me/p4FDQF-1kX  We don’t fix anyone. What we can do is love, listen, pray, STAY. 

5. He is lonely. Very lonely. He wants to have connection with his wife. He wants to provide for her and doesn’t know HOW. A lot of men feel this way. And many will not ask for help. So they do what they know to do and choose other activities, to distract them from the current conditions in the home. It bothers him that she won’t trust him, yet he is stating that love isn’t real and nothing is certain. I would say that if she is carrying around this secret in her heart, she too, is LONELY. ELEPHANT at 12 o’clock.

6. “OUR ROUTINE WORKS FOR US.” Why do I NOT believe him? Rick and I are a couple that does NOT have a routine. We have a crazy, wonderful, challenging, busy life that is constantly changing. So routine is NOT our thing. At all. We fight HARD. We love even HARDER. It’s this passion that makes our family who we are. In ministry, relationships, professions and love. If you find yourself in a routine, I would HIGHLY recommend that you STOP it. The bible is loaded with lots of challenges, miracles, activity and change was THE constant. Changing the world, changing the direction, changing hearts, changing minds, changing beliefs. CHANGE is good. Change is freeing. God loves us enough to not leave us where we are. Faith is an adventure. So live that adventure. Don’t be afraid of CHANGE!

7. Are most women not into sex? Or is there CRUD that is below the surface that has yet to be dealt with?  IS EVERYONE looking at PORNOGRAPHY? Is that true? Heaven help us if it is. I can tell you that in my own ministry, sexual gratification, pornography and sexual dysfunction is the topic that I deal with the most.  Is it true that NOT EVERYONE HAS CRUD? I don’t know how it would be possible to live in this world, and NOT have crud. Crud is the emotion that happens when someone or something has hurt us. 

Our needs are met only in Jesus Christ and you are fooling yourself if you think otherwise.

8. “Jesus might work for you but He’s not for everyone. He’s never done anything for me and I’ve done just fine.” Are we fine, though? Not everyone will choose to believe in Jesus Christ. That is really hard for me to swallow. I know it’s their choice but it hurts my heart to know that they will face a life without hope and without knowing for CERTAIN that love is REAL in Jesus. Here is the truth.

Jesus IS for everyone. Jesus did EVERYTHING for us. We are NOTHING apart from Him.


You might be in denial about that big, grey, smelly elephant that we are NOT going to acknowledge or discuss, because it’s easier to ignore it. We don’t want to go there again and have to relive that kind of pain.  “You don’t know what they did to me?” That is true. But GOD knows. God can handle your crud. He can handle your anger and your disappointment. He gets it. It’s HARD to forgive. It’s hard to deal with pain. IT HURTS. It’s easier to hold on to the anger so that we’re always “RIGHT” and justified to be hurt and angry.

If we don’t have the hurt and anger anymore, than who will we be? HEALED. WHOLE. That’s who we’ll be. FREE. HOPEFUL. AT PEACE. 

Quit ignoring the ELEPHANT in the room. Deal with your crud. Or your crud will deal with you.

  • KatieJ
    Posted at 14:14h, 12 July Reply

    Sonya, are you going to anywhere close to Miami this coming year? I would love to hear you speak in person. Your blog really helps me with my walk with Christ and I have been trying to deal with my crud. Sometimes I feel like it’s an uphill battle but I know that the Lord is faithful. Thank you for sharing your heart with us and putting it on the line many times.

  • M889livj
    Posted at 14:21h, 12 July Reply

    We have a big elephant in the room. We have been friends with another couple for 10 years. We vacation together and we’ve been through all kinds of things together. I found out that earlier this year (Christmas time) my husband had an affair with the wife of this couple. She was my friend. I have been knocked out by this. I feel such hurt and I don’t know what to do. I am struggling with forgiving my husband. He says that he doesn’t know how it happened but that he loves me and our family and wants to work things out. He’s agreed to drop all contact with her and go to counseling. I know he’s trying. But I can’t forget what he did. Every time I try to move forward, I can see them together. I didn’t know he could hurt me this bad. I just hate her. How could she do that to me? It has stopped my life. It’s hard for me to sleep. I cry all the time. Having to explain this to our kids was humiliating. I wonder what was wrong with me that I couldn’t keep his attention off of her? I have crud. How anyone could think that they don’t have crud is stupid. Would you pray for me? If you have any insight I would greatly appreciate it.

  • BradOjl2
    Posted at 14:27h, 12 July Reply

    Wow, Sonya. You just continue to help so many people. I read your posts and I wonder if I have been in denial about my own crud. When I was 16 years old I got involved in a sexual relationship with an older woman. She was 25 and I thought I was in “love”. It didn’t take long for me to understand that she was only using me. But like you’ve said many times in your articles, “once that sexual switch is flipped, it’s on.” This began a craving of sexual activity for me. I didn’t really trust women at that point and I just wanted to get laid. When I was 22 I got a girl pregnant. I said horrible things to her like she trapped me. I wasn’t willing to take responsibility for any of the things I did. My “son” has reached out to me and I want to begin a relationship with him. I feel like I’ve been given a second chance with being a father. How do I do this? I thought maybe you would have some thoughts since you left your mom so young.

  • Nick40992
    Posted at 14:30h, 12 July Reply

    I feel like you are writing about me and my wife. We have been married for 6 years and I love her a lot. She has been molested as a kid and has some crud that she is unwilling to deal with. I caught her drinking and she was drunk with our two kids. I didn’t know that this was going on. I believe she is drinking all the time to numb herself because she doesn’t know how to deal with her abuse. I’m worried about her. I’m worried about my kids, especially. I love her. I want to help her. What do I do?

  • 0999Kit
    Posted at 14:33h, 12 July Reply

    I am so thankful for you, Sonya. We ALL have crud. Your messages are right on time. Thank you for pointing us to God and for talking about the things that nobody wants to deal with. I read a lot of blogs and yours are always raw and loving but no excuses. Please pray for me as I begin to deal with some sexual abuse in my past. I never told my family and I feel that I have the strength to do it now. Much of that is because of your story.

  • Bill803big
    Posted at 14:34h, 12 July Reply

    Your music is fantastic. I listen to all your youtube videos. Do you have more songs?

  • Chinchilla49
    Posted at 14:41h, 12 July Reply

    Ok. You caught me. I have been avoiding the elephant, too. I was in love with a man and he broke my heart. I thought that he was the one and later I found out that he was sleeping with tons of women, while he claimed to be in love with me. I have been single now for 4 years and I have no desire to try to build a relationship with another man. I master-bate a lot. I get lost in the fantasy of books, movies and yes, I’ve watched porn. I feel like my heart isn’t whole anymore. What does God say about this? I know he must not want us to do that stuff but I don’t know how to stop needing the orgasms. I’m only 27 and I feel like I have a better relationship with my vibrator then I do a human. So yes. I have crud. Help!

  • Eliz55rem
    Posted at 14:45h, 12 July Reply

    I can relate to everything you write. There’s always something just for me to learn. Thank you for your faithfulness and your transparency. It’s much needed to fill in the gaps of where the church does not meet those kinds of intimate needs.

  • D.Tennem6
    Posted at 14:49h, 12 July Reply

    Hi Sonya. I am a pastor, serving in Argentina and I wanted to ask you if you had material that you could send with all of your “Crud” teachings. I find that I deal with this in my church and I’m not always sure how to counsel couples or women about sexual abuse or lack of sex drive. What you’ve written here is spot on. Men are driven to prove themselves, and many times it come at price to their families. The motivation is not always to be a “great” family man. Most of the time what I find is they have CRUD from their past. I enjoy your articles and would appreciate any help or materials that you could send me. I praise God for you, Sonya.

    • hisgirl
      Posted at 16:34h, 12 July Reply

      Thank you for reading today! I have attached some resources for you. I hope that helps. Thank you for serving Jesus.

  • Hunt78bow
    Posted at 14:54h, 12 July Reply

    Having your wife deny you sexually is NOT ok. I’m sick of it and I have tried to talk. I got married so that I could love her AND to have hot, passionate sex. I don’t want to deal with this crud anymore. I want a wife. I was not one of those guys that struggled with porn, but what is a guy to do? I’m losing my mind. It’s like she’s not even in there anymore. I feel hopeless. And angry. And I can’t take it anymore.

  • Emu$309
    Posted at 14:59h, 12 July Reply

    I believe that you mean what you say about Jesus. But I have a different view. Do you honestly believe that I will be in hell because I don’t have a “relationship” with Jesus?

  • V89n4hil
    Posted at 15:09h, 12 July Reply

    I have crud. My father walked out on me and my mom and brother when I was 10. I can remember feeling like I grew up over night. I never cried after that. My friends would make fun of me because I didn’t get emotional like the rest of the girls. I graduated top of my class and am now a physician working in Philadelphia. I was DRIVEN, like you talked about in this article. I didn’t realize how driven I was until I read this story and began to see my own life in it. I have tried to prove myself every step of the way. And do you know what? It gets exhausting. I have been involved in 2 serious relationships but can never bring myself to open up completely. I hold a part of myself back. I too, am lonely. I feel like Jesus is trying to get my attention. I wanted you to know that I have decided to go to church. I feel like this is a good decision for me. Something is missing from my life. I want to thank you for sharing your life with us and for telling us about our CRUD and about Jesus Christ.

  • NeilYo44
    Posted at 16:08h, 12 July Reply

    I am addicted to pornography. I want to deny it and say that it’s not a big deal but it IS a big deal. It’s affecting all things in my life and I need to stop. I was forced to have sex with an uncle and he told me that if I told anyone that no one would believe me. He also said that I was a fag and that I had wanted it all along. And now I have sex with men. No one in my life knows this secret and I make myself sick. I know that God hates that. I feel lost. I want to say that I’ve always been this way but that’s a lie. I remember the moment that I made this choice. I was 18 and I met a guy at a club and he asked me if I wanted to have sex with him and I felt the answer in my heart before I even said it out loud. I felt free. I felt like I wasn’t a victim anymore. The pain of that experience with my uncle was humiliating and I wanted some power back. I know that sounds weird. But I think my crud is that I feel dirty to be with a woman. I find women attractive and I even desire them but something in me won’t allow me to take things further then friendship. It’s like they are precious and I’m a sick bastard who isn’t worthy to touch them, let alone love them. I know how messed up that is. Trust me. I live it every day. I think I punish myself by all these hook-ups and no commitments. I think there is a part of me that believes my uncle that I DID ask for it or what it somehow. I struggle with depression. I want forgiveness. I know that I can’t have that and I think that’s what’s driving me to give up. So yep, I think I’ve got some crud to deal with.

  • BrittneyP6nel
    Posted at 16:14h, 12 July Reply

    I am so mad at you. I was trying to hold on to my anger and I don’t want to give it up. But then I read this and I’m feeling guilty. I found out my husband is addicted to pornogrpahy and I feel angry and hurt that he has hidden this from me. I’m trying to understand how he could feel the need to look at these nameless faces when he has me right in the next room. I like sex so there’s no excuse. I know that I need to forgive him but it’s hard when I feel betrayed. I never thought that we would be in this situation. Now he’s sleeping in the guest room and I’m on the net reading your blog. I know I need to deal with this crud. I don’t want to. I just want to be mad for a while. What do I do? Can I save my marriage? Do I want to?

  • Foxy90
    Posted at 16:17h, 12 July Reply

    Thank you for your honesty, Sonya. I think that I need to deal with some crud. I was abused as young girl and it makes it hard for me to trust people. I am married and we have 3 kids. I love my husband but when he wants to have sex, something in me freezes. I try to relax and enjoy it but it’s not good. At all. It doesn’t feel good and my mind goes back to when I was being hurt. I thought that I could just put it in the past and live my life but it’s hurting my marriage. I think I’m angry at God for letting it happen to me in the first place. What can I do?

    • hisgirl
      Posted at 16:33h, 12 July Reply

      First of all, let me say that I’m so sorry for what happened to you. I can understand why it’s hard for you to trust people. I felt that way and still do sometimes. Have you tried going to a counselor? I highly recommend it and here’s why. Counselors are trained to listen and to pull out key thoughts, feelings and views that you have that might be critical in your healing process. They can give you healthy assignments and suggestions to work on through out the week. I am a christian and that means that I’ve asked Jesus to be the Lord of my life. He’s the boss. I’ve given Him my heart and my life to do with as He chooses. I trust Him because He’s proven Himself to be faithful to me every time. He never leaves me and He doesn’t hurt me. He stays. He loves. With my past, I needed that. I was angry at God, too. I want you to know that He is BIG enough to handle anything you feel, you are or you do. If you’ve never trusted Him, do it. NOW! You won’t regret that decision. As far as your husband goes, I have many thoughts about that. Have you read my “SEX- It’s What’s NOT Happening” article? I encourage you to do so. Have you told him about your abuse? I’ve attached some resources for you and some links that I have found to be helpful. Thanks for sharing this with me today.

  • 617girls
    Posted at 16:24h, 12 July Reply

    I’ve been hurting myself for the last 6 months. I was raped by a guy at a party and I can’t deal with it. All I think about is hurting myself. I cut myself to feel better. It’s the only thing that has helped me forget what happened. I feel out of control. But cutting makes me feel in control. My parents don’t know what’s wrong with me and I don’t want to tell them. I see this guy at school. He’s down the hall from my room. I feel like he’s laughing at me like I’m weak and he could just rape me again if he wants to. I can’t keep going on like this. My parents have high expectations for me. I feel pressure to be the child that they want me to be. If they ever found out that I got raped, I don’t think they would believe me. Their not going to understand. I need help. Can you help me?

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