The Truth About Secrets

The Truth About Secrets

How many times have you heard the phrase, “Please, just tell me the truth!” 

But what if the truth is bad? Hurtful? Life-altering?

When you ask someone to “TELL YOU THE TRUTH” you must be prepared for them to TELL YOU THE TRUTH.

In my ministry, many are living with secrets and have never told their loved ones the truth.

A wife that was sexually hurt by her father, grows up and gets married. In her marriage, she HATES sex and intimacy. She can’t stand the idea of being touched because every time she feels her husband’s hands on her, she sees “him” and can’t bare the memories, the fear or the pain of what that touch represents to her.

The husband is hurt. He feels rejected. He feels like his wife doesn’t want him. He withdraws. He turns to other things because he’s frustrated and angry. They drift apart. He blames himself. She blames herself.  

But…she has NEVER told her husband the TRUTH. She chooses to KEEP the secret rather than TELL THE TRUTH.  She thinks the pain of telling the truth is going to be greater than the pain and shame of the secret. 

 

Most people would rather live in the denial of the secret. It seems easier to NOT DEAL with it and pretend it’s not there.

The truth can be painful. It can be discouraging. But it’s always the best choice.

Secrets are lethal. They are poisonous. They are deadly.

Secrets are the delight and thrill of satan. If he can trick us into keeping the secrets that would bring light, truth and healing into our lives, then we are separated from the Lord and he LOVES that. It’s his #1 goal. I think of the moment that Adam and Eve “gained” the knowledge of good and evil. I think of that moment that they “hid” from God and were ashamed. They had a SECRET. I can see the evil smile as it spreads across the face of satan. A smile that was truly motivated by knowing that humans had now become separated from a Holy God because of sin. When I think about secrets, I see that same evil smile that has taken such joy in “separating us” from our God. How much HATRED does one have to have in order to WANT to separate man from God? 

SECRETS are bad. When we keep the secrets, darkness prevails and fear resides. Shame and guilt are the “norm.” Each of us humans, have our own CRUD. Because of our crud, most people will choose to pretend it doesn’t exist because they convince themselves that it’s much harder to deal with the pain of the crud. In our warped “fear-induced” way, it’s easier to hold on to it. We believe it will be better to keep the secret and not deal with the crud then to tell the truth.

A woman wrote to me and told me that she finally told her mother the truth, after years of keeping the secret, that she was raped by a family member. Her mother told her “It’s been a long time now. Sometimes people do bad things but don’t really mean them. It’s best to not open this can of worms! What will the family think of us, if we accuse him of doing that to you?”

That mother was suppose to listen and hear her daughter’s story. Instead she was ashamed and didn’t want to confront any of the family because it could get messy and uncomfortable. That rejection threw this young woman into a life of doubting herself, horrible decisions, loneliness and anger. She then chose to KEEP THE SECRET rather then rock the boat. It wasn’t until later that she read my story and the Lord told her that keeping the secret was hurting her and that she was CHOOSING to live a lie. She said, “I didn’t realize how FREE I’d feel once the truth was out.” 

If you are a loved one that has a relationship with someone that has kept a secret, sometimes YOU would rather that the secret be kept forever. It might be uncomfortable to hold that secret, but at least it’s familiar instead of the unknown. 

It’s the SHOT mentality.

I hate to get shots. HATE. IT. I know that if I do not get shots, I could be at serious risk to my health. So the days that I know I have to go in and get my shot, I feel sick to my stomach. I sweat. I shake. I have this feeling of fear and dread. I try to think of ways to cancel my appointment. I’ve even been tempted to lie to get out of it. I force myself to go in to the office and get the shot. As the nurse is preparing, I literally feel like I’m going to faint. The blood drains from my head and my heart is pounding. I don’t even THINK about looking at where the needle is going into my arm. That would be catastrophic. I’m thinking, “what is taking so long…can’t they hurry up…I’m dying here.” Then the nurse says, “Have a great week, Sonya.” And I’m like, she’s done??? WHAT?

The shot was not nearly as HARD to deal with as I had TOLD myself that it would be.

And this is TRUE about DEALING WITH YOUR CRUD. The damage that will come from NOT dealing with it, is WORSE then telling the truth and dealing with your crud.  

So the wife finally gets the courage to TELL THE TRUTH, and when she does, the husband completely loses it and becomes enraged. He feels like she didnt trust him enough to tell her secret and so he shuts down. He is so distracted by that anger and hurt that he doesn’t truly listen. Instead, of listening and hearing her heart, he just wants to “FIX IT” to “FIX HER” so that her problem will be solved. Because he gets angry, the wife shuts down and becomes hurt and bitter at his reaction. She immediately feels like he can’t be trusted with her heart and she decides right then that the SECRET WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER KEPT THEN the TRUTH.

And the evil smile of satan spreads across his face. 

We cannot be afraid of the truth. Why? Because Jesus IS the truth.

Jesus is the ONLY truth we have. EVERYTHING about Jesus is TRUTH. There is no lie, no darkness, no sin in Him. Everything else is tainted by the sin of the world. The only truth we can count on and believe in is JESUS CHRIST and His word (the bible). This might feel discouraging to some of you. You might even feel tempted to give up hope in light of “the lack of truth” all around us. But I have some HOPE or you. Jesus has some pretty powerful things to say about TRUTH. Let His truth penetrate deep into your heart. 

“I have come into the world as a light, so that no one who believes in me should STAY in darkness.” John 12:46

“The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness can NEVER extinguish it.” John 1:5

“And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8:32

And listen to this BEAUTIFUL declaration.

“Lead me by your truth and teach me, for you are the God who saves me. All day long I put my hope in you.” Psalm 25:5

 

If you are a loved one and you find yourself in a relationship that someone is keeping a secret…ask yourself if YOU have enabled that secret to continue because of your own CRUD. Have you avoided the truth? Have you been in denial? Have you wanted them to keep the secret so that you wouldn’t have to deal with the truth and what that truth could mean to you, your life, your choices, your past, your future?

If you are asking them to reveal that truth to you, You as the loved one, must be READY to listen and hear the truth when you ask them for it and they tell you the truth.

SECRETS have NO POWER over Jesus Christ. Trust Jesus in all things. If you’ve been keeping a secret from the ones you love, TELL THE TRUTH. Don’t give the enemy any power over your life. Don’t believe his lies. Tell the truth. If you are on the receiving end of that truth, listen to the truth and hear the truth. Jesus can handle anything. He can do anything. He can forgive anything. He can restore anything. You just have to believe and in faith TELL THE TRUTH.

And one more thought…

You may tell the truth and finally share your secret…and the person you tell, might not receive it in a supportive or healthy way. Do not let that stop you from doing what is healthy and right for you to do. 

You know what I always say….You can’t control what others do. But you CAN control how YOU respond. 

You do the right thing. No matter what. Then you trust Jesus for the results. 

“And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8:32

14 Comments
  • 0815Mek2
    Posted at 23:00h, 18 August Reply

    I appreciate what you do, but I’m not so sure that telling the secret is going to get you the result you want for everyone. People can’t be trusted. I know because I tried to tell my secret and I was hurt by a mother who would not believe me. It ruined my life. I’m struggling with forgiving my mother. Would you pray for me?

  • jan56wil
    Posted at 18:45h, 18 August Reply

    OMG!!! I can’t stop crying. This is so me. I have kept my secret hidden for over 20 years. I’ve been lying to my husband and lying to my family because I didn’t want to deal with any of it. I’m so ashamed, Sonya. What do I do now? How can I tell them now? I mean it’s been so long, what if they won’t believe me?

  • B704V321
    Posted at 18:51h, 18 August Reply

    I am that husband and I’ve blown it. I’m so ashamed of myself for getting so angry. My wife has a similar story to yours and I knew there was something she wasn’t telling me. Instead of “listening” I got mad and wanted to punish her for keeping something from me. I guess I was hurt more than I realized. I have not and will not cheat on her but I have been tempted by porn. The thing is I never felt “good” about that. It didn’t make it better for me. I felt empty. What I wanted was my wife. I want to thank you for this article. It has truly opened my eyes to my flaws. There are too many to count. I am ready to listen. Can you tell me what I should say, once she tells me all of her secret? I’m afraid I’m going to blow it again.

  • AllyMp42
    Posted at 18:54h, 18 August Reply

    I just read this at my desk and sent it on to my husband. I have a secret and I am afraid to tell him the truth. I was hurt as a child and it has affected me in our marriage. It also made me do reckless things as a teenager and I never told him any of it. I have lived with shame because we don’t keep things from each other. It’s been lonely and now I guess i’m just scared about his reaction to the lies. You are truly amazing to share your pain with us. I don’t know how you do that. My husband’s name is Michael. Would you pray for me as I try to get the courage to tell him my secrets?

  • 0600Sere
    Posted at 18:59h, 18 August Reply

    Wow! This is so eye-opening. I think my husband has sexual abuse in his background. He hardly wants to touch me and rarely do we have sex. At first I was almost thankful that sex wasn’t so important to him but now I know that it’s not healthy and I’m lonely. When I ask him to tell me, he clams up and doesn’t want to discuss it. I feel hurt because there’s nothing that I wouldn’t do for him or for us. But I also realize that I’m afraid to “hear” the truth, too. I think that I’ve enabled him to “keep” the secret. Please tell me what to do. I want to help him.

  • PatLK3qj
    Posted at 19:02h, 18 August Reply

    Thank you for once again drawing attention to something that has been a horrible SECRET in many people’s lives. You just keep faithfully putting yourself out there and I want you to know that you are making a difference, Sonya. Jesus shines through you. I am convicted because I have not always responded supportively to somebody I love who has revealed their secret to me. I feel ashamed of myself. I was more worried about everyone else’s reaction or what they’d think of me then the persons pain. This is going to shake people up. I know it has for me.

  • petkit38
    Posted at 19:05h, 18 August Reply

    I hear what you are saying. But can you guarantee me that he won’t leave me when I tell him that I was forced to do sexual things so many times? I’m dirty, and now he is going to know it. I’m not sure it’s worth the risk. Is it?

  • BeanPoLe
    Posted at 19:09h, 18 August Reply

    What your saying here is truth. I didn’t tell my spouse my secret until it was too late. We are now divorced and both of us have been scarred over it. If anyone has a secret, tell your spouse before it’s too late.

  • OIUTR110
    Posted at 19:29h, 18 August Reply

    You have a precious heart for Jesus and for people. This was a fantastic truth for all of us. It gives me much to think about and pray about.

  • jeowjl44
    Posted at 19:34h, 18 August Reply

    I am weeping over this article. I have a daughter that went through something terrible when she was young. I was afraid to “know” the truth. I wanted it to be kept a secret. What has been the most enlightening is that I too, was hurt as a teen age girl and when I tried to tell, my family rejected me and told me that it was my fault. I carried that shame with me into my own marriage and also with raising my children. I will be calling my daughter shortly to apologize to her for my actions. If she can forgive me, I will have you to thank for a new relationship with my daughter. Thank you for that gift, Sonya. May God bless you.

  • Lena
    Posted at 23:51h, 18 August Reply

    So here’s the deal. We either live in Truth (Jesus–our Lord & Savior) or we live in a lie (the devil is the father of all lies).

    Yes, if we tell our secret it might not turn out the way we want it too. But isn’t the point that we need GOD to be in charge every part of our lives? He is God almighty. He is in complete control. Trust Him to work everything for the good of those who love Hum and are called according to His purpose. It might take some time–but it will be worth it if we continue to trust Him and live in faith. That is His promise to us.

    Sending love, hugs and prayers to all who read this.

  • Cara025C
    Posted at 00:00h, 19 August Reply

    I heard you sing and share your story in Colorado several years ago. I wanted you to know that I read your blog all the time. This one really hit me because I struggle with guilt over a secret that I’ve kept for 10 years. When I was 16, I got pregnant and had an abortion. I was young and scared and didn’t feel like I was able to handle a having a child. I have never discussed this with anyone. And when I met my future husband, I didn’t really feel like it was something I had to share since it was from my past. It wasn’t until we got married and I got pregnant that the shame of my decision really came out. When my son was born, I felt distant. It was almost like I didn’t feel anything for him. I was afraid to love him. My husband didn’t understand my emotions and got angry with me because he felt like I wasn’t being a good mother. I wanted to be a good mom but I knew that I didn’t deserve to be one. Not after killing my baby. I began to hang out with my fiends more and more and my husband gave me an ultimatum that if I didn’t get my act together that he was going to take my son away and divorce me. I know that it’s no coincidence that I read this today. I know that I have crud. I love my husband more than anything. And I love my son, too. When I hold him tight, I feel like I can’t breathe. The pain is killing me. All I can see is that baby. Would he feel the same? Look the same? Smell the same? I feel like I’m drowning in my guilt about that baby I chose to abort. No-one tells you about the pain of that. No one tells you that you will think about that child forever. After reading this today, there were so many things that I felt deep in my heart that I know that I need to make the big gesture if anything is going to change. I have asked Jesus to forgive me and I’m going to trust that he will. I wanted you to know that I am going HOME to talk to my husband and tell him my secret. I’m praying to God that he will listen and still love me. Thank you for your courage, Sonya. You give me hope that I can change. I don’t have to allow satan to keep me down. Would you pray for me and for my marriage?

  • ZanePw3
    Posted at 00:00h, 19 August Reply

    Thank you for your article, today. I am a husband who has blown it and I would like to know how to “listen” to her better. Can you tell me what I need to do? It’s hard for me as a guy NOT to fix it. Help!

    • hisgirl
      Posted at 15:59h, 22 August Reply

      I have sent you some resources. I want you to know that by you reaching out to me today, I know that you want to do something different. That is HUGE. Praying for you as you “listen” to your wife. I know how hard it is to want to fix it, but Jesus is the one that can fix this. Let Jesus guide you, too. He can do anything. We’re just lowly humans so we’re limited. He isn’t. Look for my email, Zane!

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