10 Feb SEX – It’s What’s NOT Happening! Part 1
“For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.
And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.”
You are my private garden, my treasure, my bride,
a secluded spring, a hidden fountain.
Your thighs shelter a paradise of pomegranates
with rare spices—
henna with nard,
nard and saffron,
fragrant calamus and cinnamon,
with all the trees of frankincense, myrrh, and aloes,
and every other lovely spice.
You are a garden fountain,
a well of fresh water
streaming down from Lebanon’s mountains.
Awake, north wind! Rise up, south wind! Blow on my garden and spread its fragrance all around. Come into your garden, my love; taste its finest fruits. – Song of Solomon 4:12-16
I have a passion about sex. No pun intended.
I can give you many reasons why this is the case. I suspect that one of the biggest reasons that I’m so passionate about intimacy and sex is that it’s a MIRACLE of GOD (that’s the only way I can think to describe my healthy enjoyment of sex with my husband) after everything that I’ve been through in my life. The boy ROCKS my world, alright? Ya, I know. TMI.
In order to understand why the above statement is totally OKAY for me to think, feel and even admit, you must understand what Jesus saved me from. I was sexually tortured, abused, raped by a man that my birth mother dated for years, from the time I was 5 years old. The sexual acts were painful, psychology damaging and cruel. I was forced to do unspeakable sex acts from oral sex to sex with objects, breath deprivation, bondage, mutilation and sold to multiple men that raped and tortured me.
If there was ever a person who would be AGAINST having sex, you’d think it would be me. You’d be wrong.
I was compelled to write this article. Every day I hear from men and women who are devastated because of a sexual sin or lack of intimacy in their marriages. Through the years, I’ve had the opportunity to talk to intelligent, beautiful, successful, Christians in a committed marriage – and over and over again, I am SHOCKED at the LACK OF SEX happening.
SEX – it AIN’T happening. I mean zippo. Nada.
God has made this awesome event for a man and a woman who have committed their lives in the covenant of marriage and it’s CRAZY SHOCKING how many people are not taking God up on His gift. They are the leaders in their churches, teach sunday school and bible studies and yet there is NO SEX happening in their marriages.
WHAT’S GOING ON?
Send me your disgusted comments if you want. I’m NOT here to debate the topic of sex.
I’m here to encourage people to be open and honest about their sex lives and get after it. Have some sex. It’s a good thing. There are two human beings involved in sex. God made sex for BOTH man and woman.
The world is having plenty of sex. I know we all know this. It’s everywhere. But they have left God out of it. They are completely unbalanced and empty. Sex isn’t the know-all / beat-all to a marriage relationship, but it IS part of the marriage relationship. You can’t ignore those parts of God’s word just because YOU have an issue with it.
We have God’s permission. We have His blessing. We have the “how to” in Song of Solomon. Have you actually READ that book in the bible? I CHEE WOW WAH! BAAALOOOOOOOGA!
So what does it say that the people who have been saved by Jesus on the cross, who KNOW the truth, yet have this chasm and disconnect and flat out refusal to participate in sex with their spouse?
Again, I ask what is going on?
Christians should be LEADING the way. And sadly, so many are completely spitting on this part of the word of God.
God did NOT make sex DIRTY.
Let me say that again.
GOD DID NOT MAKE SEX DIRTY.
MAN made sex dirty.
Man took this awesome gift and completely abused and obliterated the meaning of this extraordinary gift from God. Sex is a reverent act of love and trust between a married couple and I believe it to be a beautiful journey that ebbs and flows as life happens. I do take it seriously. How could I not? I’ve been completely betrayed in the area of sex. I understand how powerful it is. I don’t take it lightly.
Sex connects us to our spouse like NOTHING else will.
You will never hear me describe sexual acts between my husband and myself to protect US. It’s our hearts at stake. I would never invite you into our bedroom. What I am suggesting, encouraging…flat out begging people to do…
…is acknowledge the biblical gift, necessity and importance of SEX in a marriage relationship. Quit lying to yourselves and pretending that it’s okay to NOT have sex. It’s not okay.
When there’s nothing happening sexually in a marriage relationship, there is ALWAYS something else going on. Something deeper.
God said, “The two shall become one.” That means that God created sex for BOTH the man and the woman.
In my years of talking with people about sex, when there are struggles present (other then a medical condition which is still “something else going on”), there is always an absence of intimacy (COMMUNICATION). Communication is critical, but I’m sure you’re aware, many people NEVER talk about it. Privately, couples are miserable and hurting because there is no sex and no communication. There are huge deficits in the area of sex in main stream Christianity and it’s not hard to understand why.
How did you learn about sex?
We have NO CLUE what we’re doing sexually. Most people got their first introduction by watching porn, looking at a magazine, asking a friend or sibling, movies, or the internet, or sadly sexual abuse. With the introduction of the internet, sex is one click away. Not just images, but actual videos free for the curious and addicted human begins.
If a young man watched pornography as his introduction to sex, then has that image in his head as his frame of reference, the woman he marries will never compare to that image because…
#1 Porn isn’t real life. There are tons of people everywhere, sweaty, yucky men holding boom cameras and lights and what seems like a ‘one take experience’ is a flat out lie with take after take after take. Can any man go for 60 minutes straight? Can any girl? Rubbish.
#2 That girl in the movie was probably high, drugged, forced or worse ‘chose’ to be in that movie because of her own hurt or abuse in her life. I can tell you that no little girl comes into this world and says, “when I grow up I want to have sex with a bunch of guys who DON’T love me and have everyone in the world watch.”
If the young bride got her first experience from movies, friends or worse…was told nothing except sex is dirty-don’t do it…how do you think that’s going to go in her marriage?
How do our men learn the art of pleasing a woman? Make no mistake. It IS a learned skill. How would a woman know what feels good to a man? Is there a Sunday School class that will teach us the fine art of sexual pleasure? (Ha! Ha! I’d like to teach that class. Rick shakes his head in an “over my dead body-that will NEVER happen” way.)
So it begs an even bigger question.
If we as the church are trying to support godly marriages, WHY are we not teaching what a GODLY marriage is? We talk about how the world is morally twisted and how sexual sin is rampant. We talk a lot about divorce. We put an emphasis on fidelity and submission.
But we don’t talk about sexual needs, desires and sexual health of married couples. Sex is an afterthought.
Could it be our own baggage “our CRUD” grays the truth of that teeny tiny part in the bible? Could it be that we don’t have a clue because of our own twisted past experiences? Is it possible that sweet, servants of the Lord CHOOSE to ignore this important command?
The bible says, “Therefore, to one who knows the right thing to do and does not do it, to him it is SIN.” James 4:17
OUCH! Is it just me or is it starting to get a little hot in here?
If everything in your sex life is GREAT, then you aren’t reading this article, anyway.
BUT…If you’re in a marriage that is sexually damaged, broken or sex is nonexistent, would you have the courage to seek the truth? No excuses. No blame. Just truth – deep in your heart between you and Jesus about why there’s no sex in your marriage.
We’re about to get after it and deal with some crud. Are you ready?
Click on the link below for Part 2 of this three-part series: