The Breathless Heartbeat of Fear – Part 2

The Breathless Heartbeat of Fear – Part 2

So why do I share this today?

The breathless heartbeat of fear is real and it’s happening now.


“A person is abused in the United States every 9 seconds”

(Bureau of Justice Statistics)


“Every 107 seconds a sexual assault occurs”

How many assaults have happened in these moments you’ve been reading this?




“1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men have been victims of SEVERE PHYSICAL VIOLENCE within their lifetime”

(National Intimate Partner & Sexual Violence Survey)


“1 in 4 women and 1 out of 6 men are SEXUALLY abused in their lifetime”

(Department of Justice)


“On average, 3 women are KILLED by a current or former intimate partner EVERY DAY in the United States”

(Bureau of Justice, Bureau of Justice Statistics)

“Nearly 6 out of 10 sexual assaults occur in the victim’s home or the home of a friend, relative or neighbor”

 (Department of Justice)


Victims from sexual assault are more likely to suffer from depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, to abuse alcohol, to abuse drugs, or to contemplate suicide.

Do we or do we not have a severe drug and alcohol abuse issue in this country? What about depression and suicide rates? 


“1 in 3 girls and 1 in 7 boys will be sexually assaulted by the time they reach 18”

(Department of Justice)

“More than 4 children DIE EVERY DAY because of child abuse”

(U.S. Department of Health and Human Services)


“More than 90 percent of child sexual abuse victims know their attacker”

(“Sexual Assault of Young Children As Reported to Law Enforcement” by Howard Snyder)



“More than 15 million children witness domestic violence each year in the United States;

(Journal of Family Psychology)

Do you know what happens to a child who witnesses violence? Read the sobering stats here:

Effects of Domestic Violence on Children




“For 80% of juvenile victims, the perpetrator was a parent.” 

And how many of these parents were hurt by someone or witnessed violence themselves?

“80% of juvenile sex offenders have themselves been victims of sexual abuse”


“About 30 percent of abused and neglected children will later abuse their own children, continuing the cycle of violence”

(U.S. Department of Health and Human Services)



The cycle of abuse is real. 


“Each year, an estimated 25,000 American women will become pregnant following an act of sexual violence.”

(American Journal of Preventive Medicine)


*25,000 babies, people!!! What are we doing for those women who have been hurt? They’ve been violated. Are they aborting these babies because they have no other knowledge of resources? Maybe they think that abortion is the only way. What are we doing to encourage, support and help them have a healthy pregnancy and make decisions that are healthy and helpful to them and the baby?




“Only about 2% of all sexual assaults reported to police turn out to be FALSE” 

(Department of Justice)


“98% of rapists will never spend a day in jail”


These aren’t just numbers. They represent ME. Every slap, punch, burn, whip, gash, every tear…EVERY BREATHLESS HEARTBEAT OF FEAR. That’s why I share this stuff. If it helps people to put a FACE with the issue to make it real, then I volunteer as tribute.


What will WE do about it? That depends. It’s time to get real and deal.


Could we at least acknowledge that this is HAPPENING?

Look at the statistics again. 1 in 4 women. 1 in 6 men. Look at your circle of influence. It means that there are people around you RIGHT NOW that have been hurt in their lives or they’ve HURT someone else. We’ve got all these people walking around on this earth, with NO treatment, no accountability and not enough resources. Based on these numbers, we don’t even have enough counselors for treatment for the amount of people that need it. We’re spending millions of dollars because of prison, social services, law enforcement and medical expenses.


Acknowledging the abuse is only the first step. We must do MORE!

“Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.” – 1 John 3:18

My ministry has always been about telling people about how Jesus has changed my life and about His love and forgiveness. It’s been about sharing my pain with the hopes of encouraging others to deal with their own pain.


My platform has and will always be about DEALING WITH OUR CRUD. These statistics are living proof of what happens when CRUD is not dealt with. 

Hurting people hurt people.

The reason that someone hurts someone else is because they’ve been hurt.

My mother was sexually abused by her alcoholic father. She was physically abused by her mother. My grandmother was abused by her father. My grandfather was abused by his father. I know these things because as my mother would beat me, she would scream all of her pain at me, while she hurt me. She NEVER dealt with ANY of her pain. She just repeated what had been done to her.

An excuse? NO! It’s not.


I can’t control what others do. But I CAN control how I respond.


How will anyone know to do different until they KNOW how to do different? Jesus teaches us how. He changes us. Makes us new. He deals with us in truth and no excuses. You can’t lie to God. He forgives us so we can forgive others.

Okay. Deep breath. It’s time to deal with some CRUD. First we have to look at ourselves. 

Have YOU been abused physically or sexually?

Have YOU abused someone physically or sexually?

Have you TOLD anyone? Will you?

It’s not okay for anyone to hurt you. It’s not okay for you to hurt anyone else. Tell someone. Keep telling someone until they hear you and help you.


The National Domestic Violence Hotline:


National Sexual Assault Hotline:

800-656-HOPE (4673)


I called for help. You CAN do it, too.

Why do we need to DO something about this? Because the cycle of abuse will continue to go on until we admit our sin and understand our need for a Savior.

What about you? Do you know Jesus Christ? Let me introduce you.


The bible says that ALL have sinned. And because of that sin, there has to be a punishment. Jesus came to this earth to save the world from their sin. He was perfect. He never sinned. He took your sin and my sin upon Himself on the cross with His blood and died a horrible death so that I wouldn’t have to. He took the punishment that was meant for us upon Himself. Why?

Because He loves us. He loves YOU! When I place my trust in Jesus Christ, believing that He died for me, and I admit that I’m a sinner and turn from that sin and I place my trust in Him. He forgives me of my sin and walks with me for the rest of my life and for all eternity. The bible says that I am born again. I’m a new creature. That’s what Jesus did for me.

Jesus knows what it feels like to be beaten and abused. He knows what it feels like to be tortured and betrayed. He knows what it feels like when someone doesn’t love Him. But this is what you need to know. Jesus isn’t like the ones who hurt you. He never wanted those bad things to happen to you. But everyone has a choice. You have a choice. The only reason I wrote this post or any of the posts or videos I’ve done is for you to hear the truth about Jesus and how much He loves you and wants a relationship with you forever. 


If you know that you need a relationship with Jesus, I invite you to ask Him to save you RIGHT NOW. There is no magic formula. You don’t need to “clean yourself up” first. What you need to do is be honest. With Jesus and also with yourself. On your worst day He loves you as much as your best day. You talk to Him. That’s what prayer is. Talking to God. You can pray something like this.

“Jesus, I know that I’m a sinner. I believe that you died on the cross for me. I ask you to come into my life, forgive me of my sin and help me to turn away from that sin and live for you for the rest of my life. Thank you for saving me, Jesus. I love you! Amen!

If you prayed and asked Jesus into your heart, tell someone. Tell me. I’d love to know. People have been praying for you. Let us rejoice with you!


There IS hope.


So what about the rest of us? What if you’re sitting there thinking,”I’ve never been abused. I know that there’s abuse happening. But what can I do?”


We CAN do something!


We can DO something!


We can do SOMETHING!

We can tell people our stories. We can be light in the darkness.


We can tell people about Jesus. A relationship with Jesus changes everything.


We can deal with our own CRUD so that WE don’t continue the abusive cycle.


What can we do? Jesus followers.


Give people the answer.

I am living proof of a life changed by the saving power of JESUS CHRIST. I am one less person who is repeating the violence BECAUSE of JESUS. That’s how we’re going to break this cycle. As long as satan is allowed to do his thing, there will be sin. Our God is greater. Bigger. Stronger. 


I can’t help everyone, but I can help one. So I start with the one and let the Lord direct me from there. Jesus saves people. We don’t. He loves. He forgives. So we can, too.


What would happen if every Christian shared their story of how Jesus saved them with someone else and that person gave their life to Jesus? You don’t think THAT would make a difference? What if we gave our money to the resources that will help people heal and hear the gospel? What if we stood up for those that are being hurt?  What if we confronted those that were hurting others? We might actually have to get our hands dirty. We might actually have to know the truth of what we believe and then live it. We might actually have to forgive those that are unforgivable. And love the ones that nobody wants to love. 


Right now there’s a little girl that’s sitting in her bedroom, waiting for the explosion of violence. The door bursts open and she’s being lifted up by the skin on her face. Her heart begins to beat wildly in her chest. As she feels the first slap across her cheek, without even knowing, without choosing to do it, she’s holding her breath – the breathless heartbeat of fear as she’s being beaten.  

This happened to ME. How can I ignore it? The answer is – I can’t. I won’t. Will you?

Could this be the moment that God will ask YOU to do SOMETHING?

  • sillybeans
    Posted at 23:32h, 31 December Reply

    Wow. All glory and praise and honor to Jesus Christ. Forever and ever. Amen!

  • lynnYTr
    Posted at 23:38h, 31 December Reply

    When I was 14, I was raped by one of my dad’s friends. He told me that he would hurt my family if I ever told. It was violent and it hurt really bad. Then he got up and left and went and played horseshoes with dad like it was no big thing. I hated that man. I think I even hated my father for bringing him into our home. I suffered deep depression and have been on medication to help with panic attacks. My husband never knew and would become angry with me when I didn’t want to have sex. I just felt sick. I couldn’t do it. I realize now that I have never dealt with it. It’s my “crud” like you say. Thank you for sharing your story, Sonya. I want you to know that I prayed that prayer. I feel free!

  • 34OttYz
    Posted at 23:41h, 31 December Reply

    I am SAVED now! Bless you, Miss Sonya. Pray for me that I can learn everything that I need to.

  • SeeTall12
    Posted at 23:43h, 31 December Reply

    I have felt that fear in my own life. I made a lot of stupid mistakes. Then to hear about the love of Jesus? I have never heard anything like this before. I can’t explain it but I feel lighter. I prayed that prayer and I’m letting you know that I asked Jesus to come into my life. Thank you!

  • JodiLiz7
    Posted at 23:44h, 31 December Reply

    I AM FREE! Thank you, Sonya. I am now FORGIVEN!

  • noway444
    Posted at 23:46h, 31 December Reply

    I can’t forgive the man who hurt me. I can’t. I hate him. I hate him with every fiber of my being. He ruined my life. How could a loving God allow such horrific things to happen to people he loves? I don’t want a God like that.

  • 32Louis
    Posted at 23:47h, 31 December Reply

    This is AMAZING! Praise the Lord for your faithfulness.

  • tryagain4
    Posted at 23:49h, 31 December Reply

    This story is just so sad. The statistics are depressing. I admit that I have stuck my head in the sand because I didn’t want to deal with it. I didn’t want to KNOW. Forgive me, Sonya. Forgive people like me for ignoring the pain and the violence just because it wasn’t happening to us. I am choosing to do SOMETHING. Praying for you.

  • BGLEN98
    Posted at 23:58h, 31 December Reply

    I know that fear, like you. My father was an alcoholic and would hardly be home but when he did come home, he would beat my mother bloody. I learned to just hide in my closet but I vowed that I wouldn’t become like him. The problem was, I did become like him. I married the greatest girl who loved me. For a while things were wonderful. Then something would go wrong and I’d feel angry and things would just happen out of my control. It started with simple shoving her then escalated to slapping and shaking her. My lowest point came when I held her down and forced her to have sex with me while I was pissed off. I felt like she owed me. She cried the whole time and the next day she was gone. We are since divorced but I’ve never forgiven myself. I’ve carried this guilt around with me for so long that I feel hopeless. I don’t know why I hurt her. After reading this, I can see that it was probably the violence that I saw all those years ago. Believe me when I say, I had no idea that I was capable of doing anything like this. I’m so thankful I found your blog. It opened my eyes. I want you to know that I asked Jesus into my heart. And I’m going to deal with my crud. Maybe I will be able to find love again. Maybe I won’t. But at least I’ve been forgiven. Thank you, sweet lady for your courage.

  • 564Tollbridge
    Posted at 00:02h, 01 January Reply

    I had no idea, Sonya. I’ve known you for a long time and I knew a little bit but I didn’t know this. Wow. Just wow. Praying that many people will read this and get saved.

  • evilturn02
    Posted at 00:03h, 01 January Reply

    I was physically abused as a child. I felt like I was never good enough. I struggle with wanting to hurt myself. I would like to know more about God. Would you be willing to write me back?

  • tanstilluz
    Posted at 00:10h, 01 January Reply

    I want to know how you could forgive your mother? I was beaten as a child by a grandmother who was forced to raise me. I left home as soon as I could get away. I feel like my life is out of control. I’m angry all the time. What kind of God allows these things to happen?

  • takeit86
    Posted at 00:44h, 01 January Reply

    Thankful to you for sharing this story with the world. I know it couldn’t have been easy. I was abused by my father. When I told my mom, she did believe me, thank god. She divorced my dad. But I realize that I never dealt with it. With any of it. I just stuffed it away so that I didn’t have to think about it. It doesn’t go away though. My self image is horrible. My feelings about guys is worse. I don’t trust people. I feel lonely most of the time. Even my relationship with my mom has changed. I think I feel resentment towards her. After reading your story, I just want to feel peace. What can I do?

  • 243none
    Posted at 00:45h, 01 January Reply

    Wow. No words.

  • youtub6
    Posted at 00:46h, 01 January Reply

    I have a question. Did they ever serve time for their crimes against you?

  • dressy4girl
    Posted at 00:48h, 01 January Reply

    Thank you, Sonya. I feel HOPE for the first time in my life. Thank you, God – I am saved!

  • 098Three
    Posted at 00:52h, 01 January Reply

    But by the grace of God, there go I. Thank you, Sonya.

    • hisgirl
      Posted at 17:56h, 01 January Reply

      Me too. Thanks for reading.

  • willow03
    Posted at 00:59h, 01 January Reply

    When I was 11, my father began a sexual relationship with a 14 year old. I caught him touching her. I went into shock. I have never told a soul about this. I’m too ashamed to tell anyone because I waited too long. It’s too late for me. Right?

  • chris766
    Posted at 01:02h, 01 January Reply

    This makes me sick. I had no idea that someone I know had been through anything like this. I stand with you and will try to DO SOMETHING. Thank you for your courage. I pray that I can find my courage to share my story, too.

    • hisgirl
      Posted at 16:53h, 11 January Reply

      I thank you for your kind words today. I’m excited that you are willing to try to do something. We can’t help everyone, but we can share our stories with those that the Lord brings across our paths and that is an opportunity for God to work in their lives and ours. Thanks for reading.

  • gee900e
    Posted at 01:09h, 01 January Reply

    I am sorry for all that you’ve gone through. Having to be on the run as a kid, breaks my heart for you. I can’t get my mind around the 25,000 babies conceived because of sexual assaults. What?

  • toni11ty
    Posted at 01:10h, 01 January Reply

    I know that breathless fear. I have found Jesus Christ and he changed my life, too. Thank you for all that you do to tell the world what Jesus has done in your life. You inspire us all to do MORE. Bless you!

    • hisgirl
      Posted at 22:12h, 06 January Reply

      Thank you for reading and for your encouragement.

  • DebbieT21
    Posted at 15:18h, 02 January Reply

    Oh wow, this is just powerful. Sonya, you have made us understand in our hearts what it feels like to be hurt like you were. I was not sexually abused or beaten, but my father was very harsh with his words. He never told us he loved us. He didn’t give us affection. I have one sibling who committed suicide because of he never felt loved or accepted. I have a sister who desperately needs to read this. I never knew how much Jesus loves us. Our family didn’t go to church. So everything you said was hitting me hard. I know that God wanted me to read your story. I know it! It was like he made me see it. I knew something was missing in my life. But I didn’t understand until today. want you to know that I did pray that prayer and I asked Jesus to come into my life. THANK YOU! P.s. I will be in church on Sunday for the very 1st time. God bless you, Sonya.

  • broken037
    Posted at 15:23h, 02 January Reply

    Thank you for sharing your story. When I was 9 I was placed in a foster home. My mother was an alcoholic and she would hurt me and my brother. I have been physically abused a lot in my life and I don’t know what to do with the anger that I feel. I can be fine and then something happens at work and I blow up. I think I need Jesus in my life. But I’m so mad. I can’t understand why he allows this to happen to me. How do I move forward? Does god understand how it’s hard for me to trust anyone? Where was he when all this was happening to me?

  • bigbird$@a
    Posted at 15:27h, 02 January Reply

    This story is amazing, Sonya. I was sexually abused by an uncle and I never told anyone. I felt like I deserved it somehow. Your strength to share this pain has opened my eyes to things that I need to deal with. I need to forgive and to talk to someone about my story. I know that it won’t be easy but I feel like I can do it now. Thanks to you. You are right. Jesus does change everything. Thank you for telling me about Jesus. I prayed and asked him to come into my life. I feel peace for the first time in my life. I wanted you to know.

  • janedoe77
    Posted at 15:29h, 02 January Reply

    I know that fear, too. I know this must be hard for you to share but please don’t stop. I know that I need to face my pain and I need to deal with my crud. I pray that I can do it. Thank you for telling me that Jesus loves me.

  • carebears19
    Posted at 15:36h, 02 January Reply

    I am 20 years old and I was hurt by my father. He didn’t have sex with me but he made me touch him. I felt dirty. Then I found out from my aunt that he is not my real father. I was floored. He was abusing me on and off for almost 2 years before my grandparents took me to live with them. My mother is in denial that it ever happened. It hurt me that she wouldn’t believe me. The rejection is so painful. On one hand, I’m glad that he’s not my father. On the other hand, I feel like I got the raw deal in life and it hurts. He’s now in jail but I feel angry. I struggle with depression. It’s hard for me to trust people. I have never heard anything about God like you wrote. I am curious about how you know that God is real? I’m not sure that I believe that.

  • &899$4acf
    Posted at 15:40h, 02 January Reply

    You are brave! WOW. I don’t know how you can even smile again after all you’ve been through. I’m shocked that this happened to you and you can just be so normal. My life is so messed up. I’ve been using since I was 15 because I was raped by my mom’s boyfriend. My lady from my church told me about your story so I read this and your other posts and I couldn’t believe it. You and I have a lot in common. I know that I should deal with it but I don’t want to go back there again. Is Jesus real?

  • sueBQ675
    Posted at 15:44h, 02 January Reply

    I am blessed by what God is doing in you and through you, Sonya. You are allowing your pain to be the catalyst for others to become free from their bondage. I have been in church for most of my life and I am guilty of sticking my head in the sand because I don’t want to know. I want to keep my little bubble and try to protect myself and the ones I love from the evil of this world. But this post knocked that complacent attitude right out on it’s butt. I am convicted and ashamed that I have the answers but rarely share my story. Thank you for the butt kickin’. I needed it. Pray for me. I’m scared to death. I’ve never shared my story.

  • riptide44
    Posted at 15:45h, 02 January Reply

    I don’t believe it. A man raped you and then your mom beat you and tried to kill you and you just what…forgave them. Nope. Not happening.

  • trymel8tr
    Posted at 15:46h, 02 January Reply

    AMAZING! I am so proud of you and what you are doing with this web site. I read part 1 and thought I couldn’t cry enough tears for you. Then part 2 was the wake up call that we all have needed for a long time. Thank you, Sonya.

  • 890GRL#
    Posted at 15:48h, 02 January Reply

    I prayed and asked Jesus into my life. Thank you for telling me about Jesus. I feel like he will help me be able to deal with my pain.

  • (*&hjoo
    Posted at 16:01h, 02 January Reply

    A lady at work was talking to another co-worker and they had been reading your blog. So I went to your site and was blown away by all you’ve shared. I was only 10 when my father began to sexually abuse me. I’ve never told anyone until you. The way you described waiting in your room and how you stop breathing, was like I was back there myself. I know how that feels. There were many nights that I sat in my room waiting. The fear, your heart does pound. You do hold your breath. And then you’re being hurt and I would just go somewhere else in my head. I felt ashamed because a man was touching me. My own father. I hated him for doing it. This was my wake up call. I’ve been running from God, blaming him for all of the stuff that happened. I have a lot of anger. So far, how I’ve handled that is I don’t allow myself to trust others. I keep people away. I’ve had a few people in my life that I care about but I couldn’t let them in. t don’t want to be a man that hurts others. I’ve never hit anyone, but I think if I was pressed, I could. I feel broken. I don’t want to feel this pain anymore. I want to change. It’s time. I wanted you to know that because you cared enough to share your pain, I found peace. I asked Jesus into my heart. You will never know how you’ve helped me and many others. Please pray for me as I deal with my “crud”. Again, thank you.

  • LbJ^&!N
    Posted at 16:20h, 02 January Reply

    I love you miss Sonya. Thank you for talking to me bout my daddy. He touched me where he not shouldn’t. Even though he did bad things to me. I love him very much. Thank you for being my friend. I like it when you told me I was a Jesus girl just like you. When I grow up I want to tell my story to other kids so they aren’t scared. If they know about Jesus then they won’t be.

  • RickK209
    Posted at 16:21h, 02 January Reply

    Beautiful brave Jesus girl.

  • KGET$%kk
    Posted at 18:34h, 02 January Reply

    I am saved! Thank you.

  • Kfint33
    Posted at 16:22h, 04 January Reply

    I heard that you will be speaking at our women’s conference this spring. I can’t wait to meet you. I have a story similar to yours. I pray that I will get the boldness to share it like you are doing. God bless you, Sonya.

  • justpush
    Posted at 16:51h, 04 January Reply

    I have to ask you. Are you for real? I was hurt and all my life I’ve been pissed at the world for what happened to me. I can forgive some things but this? There’s not a chance. I’ve been in heavy addiction since my teens and in and out of rehab. No matter what I do, I can’t stop. I can’t keep a job. I don’t have any real friends. I’m alone. So I ask you…what is the point? So you get Jesus, but that doesn’t change anything.

  • Victory54
    Posted at 16:51h, 04 January Reply

    Thank you, Sonya. As I read this I felt every heartbeat along with you. This was powerful. I’m praying that many will realize their need for a savior. Also, I love your “Got Crud” page. I thought you’re description of crud vs. sin was wonderful. Everyone has crud. Even me.

    • hisgirl
      Posted at 17:41h, 13 January Reply

      Thank you for reading. I appreciate your encouragement and I am so blessed by all that God is doing with this story.

  • hobnob#up
    Posted at 16:52h, 04 January Reply

    I’ve wanted to write you many times but something stopped me every time. Shame. Guilt. Fear. Then I read this and couldn’t get this out fast enough. I’m a mother who beat her child. I’m the one who put that kind of fear into another human being. I’ve been in and out of jail for drugs and my kids have long been gone and grown. No amount of words will ever make up for what I did. I get that now. I also realized after reading this that I never dealt with my own pain. When I was a child, my mother beat me, too. I felt the fear of waiting till the next beating. Wondering why she would’nt love me and take care of me. So, you’re right. All I did was repeat the same thing with my own kids. I chose men over them, too. I haven’t seen them in 10 years. It’s killing me but I understand why they want nothing to do with me. I want to know if Jesus will truly forgive me? Do you think that my kids will forgive me?

  • DaneL8zy
    Posted at 17:31h, 13 January Reply

    This is unreal. I swear, you’re talking right to me and you don’t even know me. I know all about being afraid. When I was young, my mother had many men in her life. She always put herself first and me last. She didn’t care what I did or who I did it with until she found out that her boyfriend was after me. I would try to make myself ugly, fat and disgusting so that no man would ever look at me. He was a pig and it didn’t matter what I looked like. He wanted what he wanted and wouldn’t stop till he got it. He came for me one night, while I was asleep. He held me down and raped me. The next day I told my mother. She confronted him and he swore that I was lying. She believed him. I left home and never went back. I did what I had to, to survive. I got a job and started making decent money to support myself and made some friends from work and tried to move on. Outside I looked fine. But on the inside I hated myself.

    So here I am today, having an affair with a married man. I never intended to do anything about my attraction to this man. But here I am. He gave me the attention and the “love” I craved. He made me forget who I was. And that was a good thing. I didn’t want to remember. We had met over the weekend (like we always do) and we were going to watch a movie. So I looked up the Fifty Shades of Grey movie and somehow, I got to your website. I started reading your blog and I felt like I had been knocked upside my head. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I couldn’t stop the tears.

    Your story IS my story. All my hurt and anger came to the surface and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. This isn’t the life that I wanted. I wanted someone to love me for who I am. Not somebody else’s husband. Somehow I justified sleeping with him because at least I could pretend that he loved me. I think I’ve always believed that I’m not worthy and no one will ever want me. So I had better take what I can get. I knew the moment that I read this that God was after me. I could feel it. I got on my knees and asked Jesus to forgive me. I have never felt such peace. I feel loved for the very first time, Sonya. I keep asking how can this be real? But I know that Jesus saved me. I believe it with all my heart. I shared this with the man and he actually watched your testimony and said that he had been feeling guilty about cheating on his wife and that he felt like this was a wake up call to change and be a better man. He is a really good guy and although it was hard to end things, I know that it was the right thing to do. He is back with his family.

    I feel alive. I feel like I can breathe. I feel forgiven. I want you to know that the way that God is using your story has changed my life. I know I’m not the only one. The responses I’ve read are so amazing. You’re able to reach people’s pain in a way that makes them trust you. It’s like you don’t judge anyone and you don’t make me feel like I’m a piece of garbage. I mean I was getting ready to have sex with this man again. I was right in the middle of sin, looking for a movie to watch together and how I found your story is something that only God knows. Although I feel ashamed at my choices, I know that my life is completely changed forever. I guess I have a story to share now, too. I know that Jesus loves me and that’s the first time anyone has truly loved me. I was going to say that you don’t know how that feels, but you do.

  • Rilsl9973
    Posted at 12:00h, 16 September Reply

    My daughter and I just got away from my abusive husband and we are living in a shelter. I was using the internet and saw your post. You described it perfectly. Your heart beats so loud and everything slows down and you don’t even notice that your not even breathing. I’m embarrassed for allowing myself to get into this situation. I knew he was no good before I married him. He had anger issues even while we were dating and would hit me then, too. I stayed longer then I should and I’m ashamed of that. I’m scared. I don’t know what’s going to happen but I feel like I’ve made the right decision. Do you think my little girl will be okay? I worry about what she must be trying to process in her mind. Will you please pray for us. You are such beautiful person. I know that I was supposed to find this today. Thank you.

  • Yelww664
    Posted at 12:00h, 16 September Reply

    I prayed this prayer and I’m free. I just wanted you to be the first to know. Thank you, Sonya.

  • NathanR
    Posted at 12:00h, 16 September Reply

    I was abused by my father. I know exactly what you’re talking about. This has got to be stopped. Thank you for doing what you do. I know it can’t be easy.

  • 48005
    Posted at 12:00h, 16 September Reply

    So awful but so necessary. We must do something.

  • O;oved241
    Posted at 12:00h, 16 September Reply

    I was hurt like you. My abuser went to prison. But I feel like I’m the one that’s in prison. How do you forgive the one that hurt you?

  • JillF
    Posted at 12:00h, 16 September Reply

    Sonya, I am so sorry for everything that happened to you. I can’t believe how the Lord has allowed you to come through it and be so joyful about people and about life in general. You are doing so much to help others and I wanted to tell you that you bless me and I also feel convicted because I need to do more to help people. Keep doing what you’re doing.

  • debbiewrangler
    Posted at 12:00h, 16 September Reply

    I was hurt too. I never told anyone about my abuser but I feel like I need to go to my parents and tell them. Would you pray for me?

  • Ncoos42as
    Posted at 12:00h, 16 September Reply

    When I was little I was hurt by my mom. She would lock me in the closet and tell me that monsters would eat me if I tried to get out. Then when I would wet myself, she’d beat me because I made a mess on the floor. I was always afraid. I left home when I was 16 and got into some trouble with drugs. Now I counsel at risk teens about sexual abuse and violence. My question to you is if God is so loving, why did he let you go through this?

  • LillyS
    Posted at 12:00h, 16 September Reply

    I was abused when I was younger. I didn’t think it was having an impact on my life until I got involved with a man and he was angry and sometimes grabbed me and would shake me. I kept trying to make excuses for it but it kept getting worse. We were at a work event and a man that I work with came up to talk to me. My boyfriend freaked out and started yelling at me that I was cheating on him. Thankfully, one of my co-workers heard him and came to help me. We broke up and I haven’t seen him since that night. He texts me and leaves messages on voicemail but I just ignore those. The thing that messes with me is that now that I’ve had some time to think about all of this, I feel like I somehow deserved it. I know that’s crazy but I feel like I should have watched how I talked to other guys and maybe he wouldn’t have got so mad. Is that normal? I know that I need to deal with my crud. I don’t want to keep making choices that hurt me. What did you do to not end up in the same situation over and over?

  • utue9
    Posted at 12:00h, 16 September Reply

    We can do something. Thank you for sharing this painful truth with us. I hope that it helps many people.

  • Ted3242
    Posted at 12:00h, 16 September Reply

    I don’t know how I found this but I believe that god directed me to your site. The minute I started reading this, I knew that you were different. You didn’t feel sorry for yourself or whine about how bad you had it. You just described the exact way it feels to be hit. I was born into a family that hit. Plain and simple. We used our fists and not words. My dad beat my mom and my brothers hit their women and it’s been like this from as early as I can remember. As a result of this anger issue, I will not get married. I don’t want to be the asshole that I grew up with. I could never bring a child into a setting where they were afraid all the time like you and I were. I never see my family and don’t have plans to ever try. I’m fine on my own. I guess I just wanted to tell you that I relate to your story and I wish that I could be more like you. The only way I know to keep it in check is to limit my emotional connection to others. I’m sorry for all that you went through.

  • 9948953
    Posted at 12:00h, 16 September Reply

    I’m so sorry for all that you had to endure. Did the one who hurt you ever go to prison?

    I volunteer to help at a homeless shelter and so many of the teens that are there have been abused. Thank you for taking your pain and using it for something positive. I know this will help a lot of people.

  • 29837497
    Posted at 12:00h, 16 September Reply

    This was hard to read. But I know that it’s going to help many people. God bless you.

  • 888293
    Posted at 12:00h, 16 September Reply

    Sonya, I had no idea that you went through this. You would never know it by looking at you and how you laugh with people. I grew up with a dad who drank and he was touchy feely with all of us girls. He never raped me but it made me mad. I took that anger into my 20’s and in many ways into my 1st marriage. I’m remarried now but I hesitate to talk about this because I just want to put it behind me. How do I do that?

  • cciisw///3
    Posted at 12:00h, 16 September Reply

    This part was truly thought provoking…”Look at the statistics again. 1 in 4 women. 1 in 6 men. Look at your circle of influence. It means that there are people around you RIGHT NOW that have been hurt in their lives or they’ve HURT someone else. We’ve got all these people walking around on this earth, with NO treatment, no accountability and not enough resources. Based on these numbers, we don’t even have enough counselors for treatment for the amount of people that need it. We’re spending millions of dollars because of prison, social services, law enforcement and medical expenses.” How do you not let yourself feel overwhelmed at the these numbers? I’m just one person but the need is too great. What can we do?

  • ShaneN046
    Posted at 12:00h, 22 September Reply

    I had to write to you, Sonya. What do you think you’re doing trying to make us deal with stuff? What’s wrong with leaving it in the past where it belongs? I’m sick and tired of everybody whining about their “abuse” and how they can’t be productive members of society because they had it so bad as a kid. I’m not saying you’re whinging but lots of people do. In fact, after listening to your story, I think you have more guts then most people. I read your blog and I’m not trying to discount what you have been through to where you are now, but there is no way that I would forgive anyone who did that to me. I won’t forgive what was done to me. He doesn’t deserve it. Where was god when you were being hurt? Where was he when I was?

    You seem like a nice person. But you’ve got a lot of nerve trying to say that God is the answer to all of life’s problems. My dad beat me every day with his belt or his fists – sometimes both – and it didn’t do anything but make me more determined to work harder and to never be that kind of asshole. If you want to believe that a god helped you, that’s your business. He’s never done anything for me. I’ve been on my own my whole life. I was doing just fine till I read this dam story. Now you’ve turned me into a whiner.

    Like I said I don’t want to forgive my dad. He’s not worth it. I’m not saying I’m a saint but I’ve never beat up a defenseless kid. And I never will. I had to jump between my mom and my sister so that I would take the blows instead of them and now my dad is sober and all is supposed to be right with the world because he’s “changed?” I don’t think so. I’ve made some mistakes but I’ve never put my hands on anyone in anger. So what if I find it hard to trust people. Don’t you think there’s a good reason for that? And then I find your story and now I’m feeling all of this…emotion shit. I’m sorry for what you went through but I don’t need this right now. I was fine but now I can’t stop thinking about what you said and I can’t stop thinking about god.

    I’m angry and I don’t want to deal with any of this shit. It’s too late for forgiveness. So what, I’m supposed to forgive him and then what, he gets away with everything he did? That’s messed up. So you said to pray to god and then what? Everything is perfect? I’m forgiven and my dad is too? God didn’t care enough to stop it, so I think he’s probably not worried about me. You know what? I’d rather be mad. Actually, I’d rather be free of this. I can’t stop thinking about it. What have you done? I blame you for this. I know you’re trying to help but I was managing just fine by myself and now I can’t let it go.

    Yes, I’ve done some things in my life but I wouldn’t hurt anyone because of it. I might need to be forgiven, too but how do I even go there? I’m starting to think that god did all of this on purpose. That makes me more pissed.

    So according to you, you say if I ask the Lord to be my boss, that he will forgive me for my sins and then I have to read my bible and then probably go to church from now on. I guess that’s not the worst thing that could happen. There’s a church that’s down the road from me. I saw that they were taking donations for the hurricane victims and I thought I could help with that. I hope they don’t mind people that aren’t religious. Cuz, that’s not me.

    So when Jesus is the boss of your life, does that mean you don’t cuss or drink or any of that shit? Ya, I’ll have to work on the cussing. Sorry. I don’t know how I’m gonna handle letting someone else be in charge. That’s not something I’m good at.

    So you asked Jesus to take over your life? You really believe this? And Jesus really forgave you and changed your life? You forgave your mom and the men that did those things to you? You say you have peace. Is this true? Let’s just say you’ve made me question myself and how I was handling things.

    All I’m saying is that I’ll try this. It’s probably fate that made me find you and if you think that asking Jesus to forgive me will change things, I’ll try it. But I’m not putting too much stock in it. It can’t be that easy. I can’t believe that I’m even considering this. Seems like it can’t hurt more then it did before. You seem to be in a good place in your life and you say it’s because of Jesus. I guess I’ll find out for myself.

    Btw, sorry for the angry things I said to you. I do really respect you. You talk to people about sex when you’ve been hurt in that same way yourself. You must believe what you say otherwise, why do this? I know you’re trying to help people. And I’ve never heard anything like what you said about Jesus. And I’m sorry for the cussing. I’ll work on that. You’re probably right and I do have crud that I need to deal with. I’ll let you know what happen. Thanks for your time.

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