SEX – It’s What’s NOT Happening – Part 3

SEX – It’s What’s NOT Happening – Part 3

So here we are at #3. WHAT in the world is a CHILD SEX SLAVE who was tortured and raped talking about SEX for? BECAUSE the world needs to know what a difference JESUS can make. How Jesus can take broken, evil, sin and make it NEW and beautiful and fun and kind and good and PLEASURABLE.

 

#3 Sexual Sin and Abuse 

One doesn’t have to look for long to understand the scope of sexual sin and abuse in this world. It’s everywhere.

This is not a “NEW” problem. Sexual sin and abuse has been around since the bite of the apple and sin entered the world at our own hands. We wanted to call the shots. We wanted what we wanted and that was all that mattered. And it’s been that way, ever since.

Sexual sin and abuse is not a MAN’S game. Women rape children, are addicted to pornography, have affairs and have multiple sex partners with zero commitment and don’t care as long as their needs are met.

So let’s just get this straight right from the get go.

Sexual sin and abuse is EVERYBODY’S issue.

Why do I say that? Because even if you haven’t been sexually abused, or hurt by someone, or looked at pornography or raped someone or cheated on someone, YOU KNOW SOMEONE WHO HAS. 

The statistics are sobering. 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men have been sexually abused. When left untreated, the ripple effects can be devastating to a marriage. The broken emotional links to a person who has been abused can cause hidden anger, self-hatred and isolation.

If you’ve been hurt sexually by another human being you MUST deal with that.

I can’t stress to you enough how important it is to get help for sexual abuse. There are multiple layers of emotions that come from a betrayal in this manner.

A relationship with Jesus is the first step. Jesus completely forgives and restores brokenness and fills us up with real love. He has everything that we need and everything we didn’t even know we needed. He can change our hearts and our minds in such a way that we live differently. Our only hope is Jesus.

The 2nd step is to get professional help from a counselor or a licensed therapist. Obviously because of my story, I hear from many people who have past sexual abuse in their lives. I hear the pain of those that have committed sexual sin and are living with the consequences of their choices every day.

It’s the person who has the courage to deal with their crud that makes it through the pain and hurt from the past so that they can move on to a wonderful future, full of love and trust and hopefully a healthy sexual relationship with their spouse.

Communication is EVERYTHING.

This is one of the most difficult things for someone who has been betrayed by sexual abuse. Most of the time we’ve been told by the abuser to “Keep the secret” and “Don’t tell.”

For those that have been involved in sexual sin, there’s a TON of guilt and shame associated with those choices. There can be feelings of never being good enough, unworthiness, distrust, fear, bitterness, and never giving your entire heart to another human being ever again. To open up about any of this pain is like taking a knife and gutting yourself.

Will my spouse judge me? Will they stop loving me? Will they ever forgive me?

A spouse who is open, kind, loyal, forgiving and does not judge is critical in a relationship where there has been sexual abuse and sexual sin.

If you are married to someone that you believe has been sexually hurt in their life, or has hurt YOU deeply by their sexual sin, my encouragement to you is…

DON’T GIVE UP on THEM. They NEED you!!

They love you desperately and they don’t want to lose you. They’re afraid that THAT is exactly what’s going to happen! It’s THAT fear that has them in chains. 

So what can you do?

A. First thing you can do RIGHT NOW is to PRAY and ask Jesus to give you wisdom and compassion with truth.

B. COMMUNICATE the truth in love to your spouse about how you’re feeling. It’s okay to feel betrayed and hurt. It’s okay to feel angry. Talk about how you feel. Use your words. It’s NOT okay for you to withhold your feelings from your spouse, just like it’s not okay for them to be withholding anything from you. So, BE HONEST. Communicate.

C. Then, SHUT UP and LISTEN. Listen to what they tell you. Really listen. No blame. No judgement. No excuses. Just listen. Close your mouth while they talk. DO NOT TRY TO FIX THIS!

You can’t fix this. Let me say this again. YOU can’t fix this. Only Jesus can. As hard as it is, please don’t try. It’s a heart issue and that has to be healed by Jesus and also potentially by a professional therapist or other counseling resource. LISTEN. HEAR.

D. And finally LOVE.

We throw that word around carelessly, don’t we? Loving someone is the hardest thing we will EVER do.

Why do you love your spouse? Do you remember? Maybe you need to remind yourself of the 3 main reasons that you fell in love with your spouse. In the hard times, it’s easy to forget why we love our spouse. But if we can focus on 3 things, that can sometimes turn our hearts around.

Love that spouse that God has given you for ALL that they are. Not the things that you enjoy but ALL the things that they are. You have crud, too. So love ALL of them. Choose love even when you don’t feel like it. And watch what God will do.

 So here we are. Crud dealing time. 

There is no magic pill or anecdote that makes sex spectacular. There are different seasons in marriage where sex is difficult and not the greatest priority. Some of us are in marriages where the sex doesn’t feel good and it’s not fulfilling. Some of us feel ugly and embarrassed to be that naked with another human being. Some of us have been sexually abused or raped. And some of us have been betrayed by our spouse and we don’t trust them with our heart anymore.  All of that is hard and needs to be dealt with. BUT…that never excuses a complete absence of sex. 

This is what a marriage vow before God means…It is our commitment to do whatever it takes to keep our “ENTIRE” marriage God honoring.

This is personal.

It’s between you, your spouse and God. 

If you’re a woman and you hate sex, would you be brave enough to ask yourself “Why?” Has someone hurt you? Did they abuse you or betray you? Have you done something sexually that the bible would call sin and you can’t forgive yourself? Have you lied? Have you been unfaithful? Have you withheld the truth from your spouse about how it feels or push them away because of how YOU feel about yourself? Your body?

If you’re a man and you have something sexually that holds you back, (health issues, pornography, addiction, work-a-holism, depression, abuse, poor body image, maybe you’ve been betrayed and hurt by a cheating spouse, or you don’t know what to do sexually that is pleasing to your spouse), would you be brave enough to admit that there is an issue? And…ASK for help? I know, I just lost you, didn’t I?

If we could all come before our creator and ask Him to help us understand the “why” then maybe we could deal with that crud once and for all and get free of what holds us back.

Our spouse is part of us. “The two shall become one flesh.” So withholding ANYTHING from our spouse is not okay. Communication is the key. If you have struggles in your life, and you don’t share that with your spouse, you have deliberately withheld yourself from the one you claim to love. You are living a lie in the relationship by not being truthful with all things.

And let’s talk about Forgiveness.

FORGIVENESS is a beautiful gift to GIVE and to RECEIVE. None of us are perfect. And with Jesus, it’s never too late to do better. By His grace, we can give forgiveness to our spouse and release them from the debt that we feel they owe us. We can also receive that forgiveness from a spouse and begin again in grace and truth, letting go of the past, walking in truth from this day forward and communicating our hearts to one another in love.

Have you withheld your forgiveness? Some of you are TICKED. You’re so angry that it’s rotting you from the inside out. Sometimes it’s easier to hold on to that anger. That way you think you can guarantee that you’ll NEVER be hurt again. But that’s a lie. You can always get hurt. That’s the reality of life. I get how it feels to be hurt so bad that you WISH you could die instead of having to feel it. I get it. I do. Someone you loved and trusted broke your heart and destroyed your trust. Someone who should’ve known better DIDN’T do better.

That inability to forgive is KILLING YOU. It’s choking out your soul. You can’t live and refuse to forgive. It’s a poison. It altars who you are and allows you to willingly choose to sin against someone.

Forgiveness doesn’t depend on whether the person deserves it or not or whether they’ve asked you to forgive them.

It doesn’t mean that what that person did is OKAY and there are no longer any consequences.

But when you refuse to forgive the bible says THAT is SIN. So now by you choosing to withhold your forgiveness, you’re NO better then the one who sinned against you. It’s all sin. We all sin. NONE of us deserves forgiveness.

Do you think that I don’t know how HARD this is to do? Sin caused Jesus to LAY DOWN HIS LIFE in order to FORGIVE. YES, it’s HARD.

I’ve learned that forgiveness means that you look at the hurt that the person caused you. You REALLY look at it. See it. Feel it. DEAL with it. And then you release THEM from the debt that YOU think they OWE you.

We must go to our spouse and tell the truth and then ask them to forgive us.

I understand how difficult this is for you to do. You are giving yourself COMPLETELY to someone that could possibly hurt you. Maybe they have hurt you. Jesus completely understands this.

He gave EVERYTHING and He got hurt.

Sit on that one a moment. He gave everything and He got hurt but He did it anyway. 

God can heal and restore any broken thing. He WILL forgive us.

God demands our best. Right? How can we do our best in our marriages if we have secrets, anything that holds us back from being ALL that God wants us to be? A holy God won’t settle. A holy God demands truth.

He created sex for man AND woman. It’s a beautiful, wonderful gift from God for married couples. So anything less then a healthy loving sexual existence between a married couple is UNACCEPTABLE.

And because of this treasured gift, we must pursue the truth of WHY we are avoiding sex. Anything else is a lie. You can’t believe the parts of the bible that you pick and choose. It’s either all true or all false.

Is your spouse not worth your best? Is God?

So what do I want for you? For me? For all of us? It’s this.

And the man and his wife were BOTH NAKED and were NOT ashamed.”

Genesis 2:25

 

 

93 Comments
  • HannahV13
    Posted at 02:16h, 13 February Reply

    This is so good, Sonya. I want to congratulate you on bringing this issue to us all in such a warm, humorous way. This is really helpful and has so many great nuggets of truth for all of us. Know that I am praying for your ministry and all that God will do through you.

  • Jzmic06
    Posted at 02:20h, 13 February Reply

    Hi Sonya. I’ve been married for 3 years and I recently discovered my husband is addicted to pornography. When I confronted him, he said that it hadn’t been happening very long and that he felt like it relieved stress. He says that I’m the woman of his dreams but I’m so hurt by this. I feel like I don’t even know this man. I feel like I can’t trust him. HOW do I forgive him and move on from this?

  • David#Frob
    Posted at 02:24h, 13 February Reply

    Thank you for allowing your pain to help others. I am convicted about this and I don’t know where to start. I married my wife really young and I thought it was because she was inexperienced and shy about sex that she didn’t ever seem to want it. I tried to talk to her but she seemed to withdraw even more. We haven’t had sex in 7 months. I want sex but I will not touch her if she doesn’t want me. I feel like my marriage is falling apart. I feel angry and I’ve been looking at porn just to take the edge off. I know it’s wrong, but what can I do? I can’t force her to talk to me. Sometimes I feel like she hates me. Tell me what to do.

  • LoreleiD2zc
    Posted at 02:28h, 13 February Reply

    Pornography has ruined my marriage. You think that it starts out just innocently and then all of a sudden it’s a full blown addiction. I was abused by my father and I guess I didn’t deal with it and it has now destroyed my relationships with my husband. I try to want to have sex but I don’t. In fact, if it didn’t make me feel so jealous, I’d probably feel grateful that he’s looking at porn and not coming after me. I know how messed up that is. We have never gone to church. It’s just not been our thing. My question is does Jesus really forgive a person who has blown it over and over again? I need to know there is hope.

  • NicehensE
    Posted at 02:33h, 13 February Reply

    I was sexually abused when I was a little girl and I have never told anyone. Even my husband. I still see the man that hurt me occasionally at family functions. It makes me sick. I know that I need to deal with it. My husband tries to be understanding of my lack of sex drive but I can see now that I’ve hurt him. By me not telling him how I felt, he had no other recourse but to believe that I don’t love him enough. I’m scared that he’s not going to stay. I feel like it’s too late. What can I do? Do you think that God can change me?

  • JimLYt45
    Posted at 02:38h, 13 February Reply

    Can I just tell you how convicted I feel right now? This is going to change people’s lives. At least it will open up the conversation. I don’t want to deal with my crud. My spouse hurt me. My wife had an affair with a man that I trusted. She confessed and asked me to forgive her and I thought that I had. And after reading this I realized that I’ve NEVER forgiven her. I think I’ve been holding on to it, just like you said. The anger almost comforts me. Does that make sense? How do I forgive her? She broke me. I never knew that I could hurt this much. So this sex crud, what do I have to do to get rid of it?

  • hands333
    Posted at 02:40h, 13 February Reply

    So many great truths, here! I need to SHUT UP AND LISTEN. Thanks for making me see that I still love my spouse even if things haven’t been good between us for a while. Maybe I need to listen. I know I need to communicate better. God bless you, Sonya.

  • jtracy561
    Posted at 02:44h, 13 February Reply

    My husband is addicted to porn. He doesn’t understand why it hurts me. I want a divorce. I’ve even met with a lawyer. I was so confident in my decision and then I read this and it’s shot straight to hell. Looking back, I have held back more then I care to admit. I don’t think that by me doing that it gives him the right to look at other naked women and get off on that, but I guess by me not saying anything all this time, he probably feels like I don’t want him. I love him but it’s hard to feel that these days.

    • hisgirl
      Posted at 05:05h, 17 February Reply

      STOP, before you do something permanent that you will regret. You love him. It’s obvious that the Lord is trying to get your attention. In NO WAY am I saying that he is off the hook. I can understand why you feel hurt. Does he know? You have WAY TOO much COMMUNICATING to do with him. So first, you both need to sit down and talk. You must share your heart with him in truth and love. Then allow him to share his heart with you. LISTEN TO HIM. Don’t blame. Don’t accuse. Don’t shame. LISTEN to what he says. What about Jesus? Do you know Jesus? I’d like to know what you think about him.

  • Mike9744
    Posted at 02:51h, 13 February Reply

    And here I thought that this article didn’t apply to me. I was wrong. I have been married for 13 years and in that time I have struggled with a pornography addiction. I can tell you many reasons why I continue to do this. It feels great. There’s no pressure to talk. No pressure to perform. No work on my part at all. And I enjoy it. My wife is a great mother to our children. She’s attentive to them and nurturing. But she acts like I don’t exist. I feel like an outcast in my own home. I’ve never been unfaithful to her. I come home every night. But inside I just feel like I’m losing this battle. I used to justify it because I said if she doesn’t want me, then she won’t care how I get off. I’m hurt. I feel angry and I want to talk to her about this but I don’t know if I have the courage to do it. I’ve been rejected enough. What if she wants a divorce? At least by avoiding it we’re still married.

  • Izzypo09
    Posted at 03:01h, 13 February Reply

    Sonya, I can’t stop my tears. You have been able to touch on everything that I have been struggling with for the last year. I was 10 years old when my uncle started touching me sexually. I was so shocked and then scared that he would hurt me that I didn’t tell my parents. I slept around in high school and then got lucky and married in my sweet husband. We’ve had a good marriage. He’s kind to me and loving. Last year I found out that this uncle had touched another cousin of mine and she committed suicide and confessed everything in a letter. My parents were appalled at her “lies”. I started getting panic attacks then and I can hardly eat or keep food in me. I feel so much guilt that I feel like my insides are caving in. If I would have been brave enough to come forward and tell the truth, maybe she wouldn’t have been hurt. I feel like her death is on my hands. I don’t want to tell my parents because they will not support me. She’s dead and they have nothing but horrible things to say about her like she’d lie about that. My husband keeps asking me what is wrong and I just tell him I’m upset about her death, which is the truth but only half of it. I feel like my sanity is hanging on by a thread. The only reason I feel like I can write to you is because I feel like you can understand what I’m going through. You always sound so positive and like anything is possible with God. I need that now. Can you recommend a counselor for me? Would you also pray for me that I can stop my panic attacks?

    • hisgirl
      Posted at 04:55h, 17 February Reply

      I am so sorry for all your pain. You are a brave girl and I’m proud of you that you are telling YOUR story. I have attached some professional resources for you (look for that link) and some other personal info for you. I believe that it is critical for you to find a counselor and commit to the treatment that they advise. A big piece of that will be allowing your husband in by sharing the truth. Your counselor will have input on how and when to begin sharing details with your husband. You are not alone. There are many of us that can relate to your story. Do you have a relationship with Jesus Christ? Do you know Him?

  • Georgia081
    Posted at 03:04h, 13 February Reply

    I’m ready to deal with my crud. I’m scared out of my mind but I know that I need to do this. Thank you, Sonya. You’ve really helped me to ask myself the hard questions. What you’re doing by letting your story be told is letting the truth of Jesus be made famous. I am a christian woman who has ignored God’s word and avoided sex with a man that I’m supposed to adore. CONVICTING doesn’t even begin to cover it. Your ministry is powerful. Don’t stop.

  • KimYuhl60
    Posted at 03:14h, 13 February Reply

    How do you do this? You write such personal things about yourself and then make it available for the whole world to see. I need your courage. I was not abused or anything but I feel like sex is a dirty thing. I guess it’s because of how I was raised. Modesty and keeping yourself pure was always important to me. But then I read the scripture verses that you attached to this story and I felt my stomach squeeze. Sex is in the bible. I don’t know why I chose to ignore that or tell myself that I could ignore it because I was uncomfortable with it. But that’s exactly what I’ve done my whole life. What would you advise to us girls who are afraid to be sexual and want to change after all these years of marriage? How do we get comfortable with ourselves and sex?

    • hisgirl
      Posted at 04:48h, 17 February Reply

      Thank you for sharing today. I think you’re already starting this journey to discovering what it is that God wants you to understand about Him and about marriage and about sex. You can’t change the past, but you can begin new today. So, I think the next step is to find out what feels good to you and your body. There are lots of great resources (I’ve attached links in your email) and understanding that what feels good to one, might not feel good to another. God didn’t make sex dirty. Man made sex dirty. So, understanding what biblical sex is and the powerful connection that the Lord created in and through sex, is important, too. HE doesn’t lie. SO when He says the two become one, be fruitful and multiply, He means it. I think because of your feelings about sex, you need to give yourself permission (providing that it’s pleasurable) and really allow yourself to ENJOY IT! The other HUGE part of this for you is going to be COMMUNICATING this to your spouse. You must do this. If there is any unconfessed sin, then confess that and start with a clean slate. Tell him how much you love him and that you want to make things the best they can be. You CAN do this!

  • BobbieRQ9
    Posted at 03:18h, 13 February Reply

    This is just a wonderful series. You did a great job bringing out the issues that plague us all. If this wasn’t such a big issue, then there wouldn’t be pornography and adultery. I’ve got some sex crud that I need to deal with. Thank you for reminding me that all of us sin and that communication must happen because nobody is a mind reader. I’m praying that many people will get free of their sin and crud. And for more sex, too.

  • Carol0847
    Posted at 03:21h, 13 February Reply

    We want you to teach a class. If you do, sign us up. Thanks for giving us permission to talk about this. My husband and I have read this together. It’s made us discuss things that we’ve never talked about before. I feel like you’ve given me boldness to just tell him what I feel and what I need. And he even shared that he wanted me to do different things, too. It’s been really good for us. We can’t thank you enough. Seriously, teach a class. You would have a sell out if you did. Happy Valentine’s Day!

    • hisgirl
      Posted at 04:35h, 17 February Reply

      Thanks for your encouragement. I’m SO glad you both are communicating. It’s sweet that you read this together. Thanks for reading.

  • Doug4ink
    Posted at 03:24h, 13 February Reply

    I just got done reading Part 2 and 3. Wow, sonya. This is really intense. I’m one of those guys that didn’t have a clue that maybe my wife wasn’t enjoying our sex life like I was. Do you have any advice for men on how to bring up the subject with our wives? Based on some of the responses that I’ve read, I think that I have a lot to learn. Is there any books or other resources that you could recommend?

    • hisgirl
      Posted at 04:31h, 17 February Reply

      YES! This made me smile! We ALL have a lot to learn. As far as advice on how to bring it up? Do it! JUST BRING IT UP. Find a safe, quiet place to talk where you won’t be interrupted, and then share from your heart how you feel. And I know that you’re a guy, but don’t be afraid to actually tell her that you don’t know what you’re doing. Tell her how much you love her and that you want your sex life to be the best that it can be and so you are starting with yourself. She will TOTALLY love that! It’s okay to not know everything. It’s true and the truth is always good. I’ll send you an email with some great resources. Remember that one size doesn’t fit all. You must COMMUNICATE with your wife and ask her what feels good to her. In turn, she needs to know what feels good to you. Look for my email. Thanks for reading!

  • Jordan6LT
    Posted at 03:31h, 13 February Reply

    This was really good. We loved it. We realized through reading this that we have some issues that we need to work on them and we plan to do that. We are praying for you as you continue to reach people who truly need to hear your story. Like we told you before, we’ve learned a lot. Thank you for your faithfulness. We want to be the couple that is willing to do WHATEVER it takes to make our ENTIRE marriage God honoring. You’re helping us to do that. If you get a dinner invite, don’t think we are stalking you. Okay maybe a little. HA!

    • hisgirl
      Posted at 04:22h, 17 February Reply

      Thanks for your encouragement and support. I love that you read this TOGETHER. Awesome! I also don’t mind the stalking…well, it depends on what you’re making for dinner. ha! ha!

  • Megan80Rq
    Posted at 03:34h, 13 February Reply

    I have been married for 2 years. My husband wants to have sex a lot more than I do. He also wants me to do things that I’m not comfortable with. Like oral sex. What do you do if he wants to do something and you don’t want to do that? Is it wrong for me to refuse?

  • TreyHn25
    Posted at 03:37h, 13 February Reply

    Great article. My question is if your wife refuses to have sex with you is it wrong to get your needs met in other ways? Like if we are masturbating to porn? It’s not like you are cheating on her. I wouldn’t do that. But I need sex. So what else can I do?

  • owu08943
    Posted at 03:38h, 13 February Reply

    Where does it say in the bible that I have to have sex?

    • hisgirl
      Posted at 04:04h, 17 February Reply

      Are you married?

  • owens078
    Posted at 03:44h, 13 February Reply

    Sonya, I’m so sorry for all that you’ve had to go through. The fact that you can love sex as much as you do is a true testimony to what God has done in your life. My husband and I have sex about once every other week. I’ve noticed that it’s getting harder and harder for me to have an orgasm. I want to introduce some sex toys into our routine. My husband is all for it. He’s almost too gungho about it. We’ve never used one before and I’m not even sure that it’s going to feel good. How do you feel about sexual toys? How do you know which one to get? The one thing that I’m grateful for is that this has made us talk about sex. We’ve laughed and even shared some concerns. I know that this has helped many people.

  • Hatlady12
    Posted at 03:48h, 13 February Reply

    I understand that it’s my wifely duty to have sex with my husband but what if he is too rough? I don’t think he has a clue as to what I want or what feels good to me. It’s like he has his orgasm and then he’s done. We’ve been married for 8 years and I can count on one hand how many orgasms I’ve had. So what you’re telling me is that I just need to open up and TELL him this out loud? How can I do that? It’s so embarrassing. I need you to tell me how to do that.

    • hisgirl
      Posted at 04:03h, 17 February Reply

      Thanks for reading and writing in. Yes. That’s exactly what I’m telling you. Open up your mouth and tell him how you feel in truth and love. No blame, no guilting or bullying, just the truth in LOVE. It’s not his fault that he doesn’t know. You’ve never told him. Ask him to forgive you for not telling him this before and that you love him and what you need. *And one more thing, somehow you need to change the way that you think regarding your statement/belief in attitude that says, “WIFELY DUTY” and change that to “I get to…” or “I love to…” You can do this!

  • 0988not
    Posted at 03:48h, 13 February Reply

    Do you think it’s wrong for a married couple to watch porn together with the intention of getting turned on so that it will lead to sex?

  • patt970
    Posted at 03:52h, 13 February Reply

    I want to thank you, Sonya. My wife and I have just had one of what I hope to be many, discussions about sex. Your articles allowed that discussion to happen and it’s been very healing to a tense situation. We’ve been struggling with connecting with each other. There’s been some hurtful things between us and we haven’t been willing to talk or to forgive each other. I want to thank you from all the husbands for all the sex that we’ll get to have because of your series.

    • hisgirl
      Posted at 03:57h, 17 February Reply

      I’m so glad that you guys are COMMUNICATING. Working through the hurtful things and forgiving one another is hard but WORTH IT. And you are welcome. hee! hee!

  • HApi1849
    Posted at 03:55h, 13 February Reply

    I have sexual abuse in my past and I’ve been avoiding dealing with it. I have pushed my husband away and now he doesn’t even approach me for sex. How do I begin that conversation with him? I just can’t stand the thought that he might not want me anymore. I want to believe that God can do anything, but people choose to walk away from marriage all the time. I’m scared.

  • Tammy4avd
    Posted at 03:59h, 13 February Reply

    This is such a great article, Sonya. I’ve been seeking the Lord and trying to ask myself why I hesitate having sex so much. My husband is sweet and tells me how much he loves me. He always wants to keep the lights on. I want them OFF. He wants to have sex anywhere and anytime and I won’t even consider it unless it’s at home, at night, in the dark, in the bed and just normal sex. I know I’m boring, right? How do I change that? I want to be more adventurous and something holds me back. Any advice?

  • Barb9stone
    Posted at 04:02h, 13 February Reply

    Sex isn’t my issue. My issue is oral sex. I can’t stand it. I know that my husband enjoys it but I hate it. It’s just hard not to think about what that is or what happens there. How can that be right? It seems like God wouldn’t want us to participate in things that are gross. Before you tell me how wrong I am, don’t. I don’t like it and I don’t think I should have to do that just because he likes it.

  • McAverns1047
    Posted at 04:03h, 13 February Reply

    Great article. Here’s to lots and lots of sex!

  • paste27
    Posted at 04:23h, 13 February Reply

    You are the CHRISTIAN SEX GURU. You need your own talk show. We’ll have to start calling you Dr. Sonya. We love you, girl. We love your heart and that we see Jesus in you, cheering for the rest of us to deal with our crud.

  • islrTeue
    Posted at 04:27h, 13 February Reply

    I’ve been married for 16 years and I found out that my husband has been having an affair. I am devastated. I don’t know what to do. The pain is unbearable. I just want to give up. I’ve got 3 kids and I have no idea how to tell them that their whole world is about to blow up. He says that he never felt like I wanted him sexually. He felt like he had to beg me for sex and that I refused to give it to him. How can a man leave a good woman for that? I mean we could’ve tried to talk about it or work through it. Why am I not enough for him to stay?

  • BornF#3
    Posted at 04:32h, 13 February Reply

    You are a beautiful woman. Inside and out. Your husband must be so proud of you. I wish my wife had your attitude about sex. The last thing she wants is sex. I feel like she punishes me by withholding it from me because I had an affair 5 years ago. 5 years. I have begged her to forgive me. I have tried to be everything she needs and it’s not enough. I don’t want to give up on our marriage but I’m sick of living like she hates me. Tell me what I can do to make her forgive me?

    • hisgirl
      Posted at 03:48h, 17 February Reply

      First let me say that I’m sorry that you’re hurting but I think it’s great that you shared your heart about this. You CAN’T MAKE her forgive you. You can’t. My question to you is this, did you ever just let her express her anger to you without you saying anything in response? In other words, did she get a “get out of jail free” card to be ticked as all get out at what you did? 5 years is a long time to be angry for sure. What about Jesus? What are your thoughts about Him? I can only imagine how hard it is for you to feel like she hates you. It sounds like she might be afraid to give herself to you again, wondering if you will hurt her, yet again. All you can do is share your heart with her, speak truthfully, and LISTEN to what she tells you. No blame, no excuses, no trying to fix it. LISTEN. You can’t control what she does, you can only control how you respond. Praying for you both.

  • Maggie6
    Posted at 22:18h, 13 February Reply

    I am grateful to you for opening up your life to share with us and for making me realize that I have been holding back from my husband. He had a pornography addiction two years ago and he’s worked really hard to put that behind him. At the time I thought that I was okay and that I had forgiven him. But now I see that I have not. I think I wanted to hurt him like he hurt me. If I wasn’t good enough for him to only want to be with me, then he wasn’t going to get the chance to have me at all. Some say that looking at pornography isn’t cheating but I say it is. A man shouldn’t look at another woman. I’m not the girl he married but I still feel attractive. I’ve given him everything and I feel like he wants to say that he’s sorry and that it’s not a big deal. But it is a big deal to me. I’m really struggling. I know that we can’t keep going on like this. He came to me and asked me to read this article that his boss had told him about by a girl who was tortured as a kid but who now shares her story with people about God. He said that he wanted to work on our marriage and that we needed to be honest with each other. He told me that he feels like I haven’t forgiven him and he doesn’t understand why. I have to say, Sonya, that this was really eye opening. I read all 3 parts and I feel like you were speaking directly to me. I wanted to blame everything on him. But the truth is, that I have been wrong on some things, as well. I think the bottom line for me is that I don’t want him to ever be able to hurt me again. I feel like if I do let him in again, then I’m just being stupid and I deserve what I get. I feel like God is trying to get my attention. And I’m fighting it. How do I trust him?

  • TerryD13
    Posted at 22:24h, 13 February Reply

    I think you need to teach a class, Sonya. No joke. I feel like you could really break down the barriers in couples who are hurting. I never thought of sex being for both the man and the woman. And I wonder to myself, do I please him? I mean, do I really? I get stuck in a rut of always doing the comfortable thing. But then I feel dissatisfied and thinking that I’m okay if we don’t have sex again for a long time. I know that this is wrong. How can a couple who has been married for a while, change up their sex life? What are some things that we should try? I’ve read a few books but they all sound so clinical. I just want some practical advice. I mean, not that it’s okay to look at but at least with pornography you can visually see different things to do and try. I suspect that this is why so many people are struggling with this topic because looking at other naked bodies is wrong other then your spouse. But how does one learn anything new? You have really opened my eyes. Thank you.

  • Grant%4u
    Posted at 22:26h, 13 February Reply

    I think your story is very powerful. It speaks to me on many levels. I also think there are lots and lots of people having lots and lots of sex this week, thanks to you. (giggle, giggle)

    • hisgirl
      Posted at 03:39h, 17 February Reply

      …thank…you….I…think? ha ha

  • MillieB90
    Posted at 22:37h, 13 February Reply

    Sonya, this is just wow. I have sat here in tears as I guilt and shame has washed down my face. I have cheated on my spouse more than once and every time, he forgives me and takes me back. I wasn’t sure what it was until I read this article. I am broken. There is something that happened to me when I was 9 years old. I was abused sexually by my mother’s boyfriend at the time. He would make me touch him until he would come. I withdrew into myself. I stopped hanging around with my friends and started gaining a lot of weight. My mother was disgusted with me and kept trying to get me to lose the weight. I thought that by being fat, this would make him stop touching me. It didn’t work. This went on for about 2 years. Finally they broke up and it was like nothing had ever happened. I buried it deep inside and just refused to talk about it. I felt like no one would ever love me, but only want me for sex. I met and married my husband and tried to pretend that I was normal. He was the first guy to make me feel special. He was patient with me but he always wanted to have more sex than I did. After a while, he started watching porn and I felt relieved but sad. Sad that I had forced him to do that. I enjoyed the kissing but when it progressed to more, I would tense up and start to cry. He’s asked me what is wrong and I never can tell him. I feel so ashamed. The affair happened with a guy that I care nothing about. I almost just wanted to hurt myself more so I had sex with him. I know that’s weird but I didn’t feel worthy of my husband. I just felt broken. It’s like I’m trying to destroy any chance I have at happiness. This has got to stop. What can I do?

  • Sop533V
    Posted at 17:04h, 15 February Reply

    I have read all 3 parts of this article and I have to say that I am so impressed. I feel embarrassed admitting this but it’s been a long time since we’ve had sex. What I find difficult is how to begin again. I feel like I need to tell him how I feel but I feel weird doing that. I know the words but I don’t want him to think that I hate sex with him. There’s things that I’d like him to do more of or to try but he is so quiet, it makes me feel like I need to stay quiet about such things. I think the reasons that we don’t have sex are more about us being too busy with life and not giving each other the attention that we deserve. How do I initiate this without passing out with embarrassment?

    • hisgirl
      Posted at 03:38h, 17 February Reply

      Your comment made me smile with hope and gratefulness. I’ve heard it said that “People do that which they want to do.” So if you want to have sex, you need to have sex. You need to make that a priority. I totally understand the “embarrassment” of bringing it up, but what’s going to happen if you don’t? Nothing will change, right? So, find a way to honestly communicate how you feel about him, first. Reaffirm your love and your commitment to him. Confess any sin that has taken place on your end (remember you can’t control what he does, you can only control how you respond) and then just DO IT! Even if you feel yourself turning red, DO IT! Say what you feel. *Pray BEFORE you speak.

  • Days2rest
    Posted at 17:07h, 15 February Reply

    I loved this whole series, Sonya. So well done. Our issue isn’t sex. Our issue is communication. There’s been some hurtful things that have happened and I’m having a hard time getting past it. I never realized that I was “LYING” to my husband by not telling him the truth of how I felt. Wow. That was eye-opening. Please pray for me that I will have the courage to open my mouth and share my feelings.

  • Tim100BN
    Posted at 17:18h, 15 February Reply

    My wife and I want to thank you for writing these articles. The whole series was thought provoking and informational. We live in California and have served at a church for 5 years. We enjoy ministry but it can become the main thing and not each other. I think when you are constantly giving to other people, you don’t have much energy for anything else. It has been a long time since we’ve had sex. Too long. I want to have sex all the time. My wife doesn’t seem to care if we do or we don’t. So we read your series together after finding your music on Youtube. We’ve sort of been hooked ever since your first post. I thought that I was pleasing her just fine and I found out that this wasn’t the case. At first it hurt me that she didn’t ever say anything before, but she was genuinely remorseful about keeping that from me and I also had some things that I needed to share with her. We feel like we truly opened up to each other and shared parts of ourselves that we had not shared before. And yes, we DID have SEX. It was a great Valentine’s Day for us. Thank you for THAT. (ha ha)

  • ReneeHO27
    Posted at 17:21h, 15 February Reply

    Hi Sonya. I just wanted to tell you what a blessing this series has been to me. I was abused by family friend and it has been really hard to open up sexually to my husband. We have sex but there are these thoughts and memories that flood my mind and then I just freak out. I feel so bad for him because he doesn’t know what to do and I can’t bring myself to tell him because I feel like he would feel differently towards me knowing that I had sex in the past. I’m afraid that he won’t forgive me for keeping this from him all this time. What can I do?

    • hisgirl
      Posted at 03:31h, 17 February Reply

      Tell him the truth. Ask him to forgive you and then get some professional help to allow yourself a safe place to deal with the memories and the emotions that come with all of that. I will send you an email of resources that might help you locate a therapist. I’m sorry that you have been hurt. I’m proud of you for sharing this with me and for allowing this to be the first step to getting healthy. I hear the hope in your words. Keep moving towards all that Jesus would have for you.

  • DrtomE
    Posted at 17:23h, 15 February Reply

    Do you speak about this when you travel? We would love to have you come to our church for a marriage weekend. This is really powerful but practical application in a way that is real, but humorous, too. I think our couples would benefit greatly from this. How do we get in touch with you?

  • DaveUr38
    Posted at 17:27h, 15 February Reply

    God has been working on me about all of this. I want to change but feel trapped in my own sin. I have been addicted to pornography for as long as I can remember. I want to say that I want to stop but the truth is I don’t. It fills a void in my life that my wife cannot. She is a great woman but there’s something in me that needs this type of release. When I’m viewing porn, I don’t think about her needs or what I’m doing wrong or the next thing. I’m thinking about nothing but what feels good, relaxed and in control. I don’t want to hurt her but I don’t feel like this when I’m having sex with her. The sex itself is great, it’s just not as much of a relaxed experience. It feels forced. And I do feel pressure to perform. What can I do about this?

  • 2348Rty
    Posted at 17:28h, 15 February Reply

    God bless you, Sonya! This whole series has been terrific. Very well done. We are praying as you continue to minister to the world with your story.

  • JulieGib911
    Posted at 17:40h, 15 February Reply

    Thank you for your faithfulness to write such an important article. I have been married for 17 years and I have always struggled with our sex life. My husband is a godly man and is patient but I know that it’s not fulfilling to him. It could be better. I never thought about God making sex for me, too. That had me thinking about what I like and don’t like. My question for you is would it be wrong if I wanted to take charge in the bedroom? I mean I know that we’re supposed to submit as wives, but I feel like it might be exciting to be the one that has the control during sex. What do you think about that?

  • Greg0818
    Posted at 00:43h, 29 February Reply

    Sonya, you don’t know me but the way you write, I feel like you do. I was on the way out of my marriage. I mean I was done. I couldnt take any more of this. We were young when we got married and we’ve struggled with intense family situations (our families are nuts) and a job loss. We lost a baby and that hurt my wife bad. I felt like a failure. I couldn’t do anything to fix it. And then when we finally had kids, I felt like I had to provide more and that took me away from my family. I have messed up. I ain’t gonna lie. I look at porn a lot. I have for years. I use pornography as a release for my stress but no matter what I do, I feel empty. I was on my “go to” porn site of choice but somehow I found your web site by mistake. At first I didn’t understand what I was looking at, but then I saw the words ‘sex it’s what’s not happening’ and before I knew it, I was reading the whole thing. Then I wanted to know more about you so I watched that video. I so sorry for what you had to go through. I wanted to beat the X%$! out of those men who hurt you. I have kids and I can’t imagine what I’d do if anyone hurt my kids.
    I wanted to tell you that all men are not like this but then it hit me…I am exactly like that. Men paid to have sex with you and hurt you and I am paying to watch the same thing. I’ve never watched anything with children, but I’ve seen young girls who are having sex with grown men. I felt sick. I went to my knees and I tried to catch my breath. I am the same as the guys who hurt you exactly the same. I’m so ashamed.
    I have made so many mistakes. I’ve hurt my wife and I was too selfish to see what the big deal is by looking at it. I told myself as long as I’m not having sex with anyone, then it’s not wrong. She has told me that she can’t be with me because she feels like I don’t love her because she doesn’t compare to those images. I don’t know what is in me that I even chose to look at that in the first place. I didn’t want her to know how I felt after we lost the baby and I was tired of feeling guilty. I shut her out so I didn’t have to deal with any of it. I feel like it will never be okay again.
    My question for you is how did you forgive this man that did all that stuff to you? I need to know if my wife can forgive me. Will God forgive me? I’m not a religious person at all, and I have to say that after reading your story, I feel like there is something happening inside of me. Like I’m being directed to God. Is that what happened to you? I need you to tell me more. I want to know about Jesus. I need to know that there’s hope.

  • Greg0818
    Posted at 00:45h, 29 February Reply

    I want you to know that we sat down and communicated. We actually read your blog together. She was in tears before we finished part 1. There were many tears and things are far from where they need to be, but we are talking. We’re telling each other things that we haven’t discussed in years. We could relate to almost everything you said about what happens to sex in marriage. I told my wife how I felt and that I wanted us to go to counseling. She was crying and agreed that we both had made mistakes along the way. We both agreed that we had major crud to deal with. I asked her if she thought that I needed God in my life and my wife looked at me and said, “Who are you and what have you done with my husband?” I asked her to forgive me and she’s willing to try. Can you believe that? We are going to go to church together as a family next week. Don’t take this the wrong way when I say how grateful I am that I didn’t find the porn site I was originally looking for but found your story and found Jesus instead. I feel like there’s hope for the first time.

  • Jmb87
    Posted at 03:30h, 03 March Reply

    Let me start off by Saying that this was a wonderful, informative series!! I will be sharing it with my friends.

    But I need some help. My husband of 7 years refuses to have sex. He says it shouldn’t be such an important part of a relationship, and that I shouldn’t need it so much. We have had many conversations about sex, and he just flat out refuses to meet my needs. He won’t even meet me halfway with a compromise. I have been rejected so many times that I am beginning to feel like it isn’t worth it anymore. That I should just learn to live without sex. It is so hard to deal with the fact that my husband doesn’t want me sexually. I know that God loves me perfectly, and I am ashamed that I still desperately crave intimacy with my husband even though God’s love should be enough. Do you have any advice for me?

    • hisgirl
      Posted at 02:46h, 04 March Reply

      Let me start by saying that I am so sorry for your hurt. Next, there is NO shame in desiring sex with your husband. None. God made sex FOR you BOTH. Something else IS going on. I have many questions so let me just start asking away.

      #1 Has it always been this way since the beginning? Was there a time when the sex was consistent and good?
      #2 Have you asked him if he enjoys it or if there’s anything else that you can do/try differently that he would like to try?
      #3 How is his walk with Jesus? Is he engaged in God’s word? The church?
      #4 Is there anything significant that has happened in his life? Job loss? Family issues? Depression?
      #5 Does he know that you love him? How do you communicate that to him?

  • TamiOx2
    Posted at 22:58h, 09 April Reply

    About 6months ago, I caught my husband looking at pornography and it just killed me. I felt like everything we had built was now broken. I felt like I was worthless and couldn’t even satisfy my husband so he had to go look at other women to feel satisfied. I know that I’ve got issues from my past but I can’t stop seeing those images and knowing that I was not enough has broken my heart. I don’t trust him. I don’t want to give myself to him. How can I? He doesn’t want me anyway. Right? Otherwise, why would he be looking at those women? I’m hurt. I’m angry and I’m not getting over it. Please, tell me what I should do now?

    • hisgirl
      Posted at 00:50h, 20 April Reply

      I am so sorry for your pain. My first question is have you confronted him? If not, I would start there, but pray first so that you are covered before you enter into this conversation. Communication is the key right now and let me encourage you to share your hurt but also LISTEN to what he says. My second thought would be to journal your thoughts and feelings. This can help you say the truth without feeling judged or holding back the anger. And then thirdly, I would suggest that you get into God’s word and make sure that you are implanting TRUTH into your heart and mind. Truth about who Jesus says you are. Truth about what marriage is and truth about how much Jesus loves us. THAT is what I want you to cling to during these difficult days. Crud is hard work. Sin is horrible. Don’t be afraid to deal with the crud.

  • NeilGr107
    Posted at 23:07h, 09 April Reply

    Sonya, this is really good! My wife and I have been reading this and praying through how we can deal with some past crud and move forward. We love each other but we need some changes to happen. We have both made mistakes. I think you start off getting married and just believe things will take care of themselves in regards to sex. But that’s not how it is. At all. Thank you for your faithfulness to talk about what you’ve been through. We can’t imagine the pain that you felt and how this has effected your life. We have made a decision to start attending a church and so far, we really like it. We wanted to ask you your thoughts on a couple things? 1. Do you recommend sex toys and what kind would you recommend? 2. Is there anything published that is decent, or should I say healthy about oral sex? We have both expressed feelings of dissatisfaction or boredom and when you wrote about “it doesn’t feel good” we were both like “yes.” Personal questions, but hey, we aren’t the only ones that want to know, I’m sure. Thank you for the articles. They are helping us to communicate about sex.

  • 5007ben
    Posted at 23:08h, 09 April Reply

    What is your advice for a couple that is struggling with pornography and intimacy?

  • ValerieDw
    Posted at 23:17h, 09 April Reply

    Sonya, I can’t thank you enough for your wisdom on a topic that is not given enough importance. I love your truthfulness and your humor. I have been married for 14 years and I was not abused but I feel dirty about sex. It’s hard for me to explain how I feel but I don’t enjoy it. I love my husband. I love everything he does to me, except sex. It never occurred to me that God made sex for ME too. I always think about the man needing it but scripture doesn’t lie. “The two shall become one” so that means that sex is for both of us. Thank you for helping me to see that. I’m not good at talking about this to anyone, let alone my husband. So can you tell me what I should do to feel differently about it? I think if I could relax more, I might be able to enjoy it. I’d like to try.

  • CherylPote62
    Posted at 16:47h, 13 July Reply

    Wow, this is so good, Sonya. My husband has been addicted to pornography for quite a while. I didn’t think it was a big deal at first but now it’s out of control. I feel like he only wants that type of girl and there’s no way that I can be that. I’ve thought about filing for divorce a million times but something always stops me. What if he can change? Am I stupid? I feel like we need Jesus in our lives. It seems like that would make a huge difference. Would you pray for us? Your ministry is just beautiful. Again, wow.

  • Otuwd550
    Posted at 12:00h, 09 August Reply

    Thank you for allowing us to see your heart. It’s a beautiful thing. Marriage is not easy and the way that you’ve addressed these issues is wise and honest. I have been married for 11 years and we hit a rough patch about 4 years in. I was one that was always thinking that sex was dirty. And I couldn’t make the shift in thinking and that hurt my husband. This has given me some great tools to help how I communicate to him. Your story is awesome.

  • BeckyK
    Posted at 12:00h, 09 August Reply

    Hey Sonya. This is so good. I had a question. I know that you said your not a fan of lying there and doing it for his sake, but do you think that a woman should do that if she thinks her husband needs it?

  • 243993
    Posted at 12:00h, 09 August Reply

    Where do I start? This has been such a good thing for me. I have needed a voice and a way to express how I’m feeling and this is it. I have abuse in my past that is sexual in nature and I was too ashamed to tell my husband. Our marriage has been up and down for years and I think we’re at the point that we are going to talk about divorce. After reading this, I know that I need to tell him the truth. I don’t know if it’s going to help but I need to try. Thank you for sharing this and I ask that you pray for me as I share this with my husband.

  • BeaverCleaver
    Posted at 12:00h, 31 August Reply

    Every time I read one of your posts, I am blown away by what you went through. I also want you to know that you have helped me in so many ways. Sex is one of those things that if it’s good it’s great. If it isn’t good it’s horrible. Thank you for writing this and again I know that I have some crud that I need to work on.

  • DanW808
    Posted at 12:00h, 31 August Reply

    My wife has been hurt sexually in her past. She won’t talk about it much but I know that it effects our sex life. I feel her pull away when she is just about to let go and enjoy it. At first I got angry. I felt rejected and let’s face it, men can’t stand their egos to be rejected. I didn’t react in the best way. I pushed her away and eventually ignored her. This series opened my eyes to the fact that I need to communicate how I’m feeling. Not the anger part but the part that I’ll love her no matter what. I was feeling hopeless but after reading your story I feel like there is hope for us. Will you pray for me as I figure out how to share this with her?

  • GraceS123
    Posted at 12:00h, 31 August Reply

    Help! I have crud. What do you do if you aren’t comfortable with your own nakedness? I can’t be the only one that feels this way.

    • AngieS
      Posted at 12:00h, 27 January Reply

      Ditto! Been married 20 years and still can’t get over myself. Sickening. Lots of counseling. Still need help! Any advice?

      • hisgirl
        Posted at 22:39h, 27 January Reply

        Can’t get over yourself, why?

  • miiww3311
    Posted at 12:00h, 31 August Reply

    Do you think it’s wrong for man to view pornography when his wife refuses to have sex with him?

  • 298744
    Posted at 12:00h, 31 August Reply

    Sonya, you have no idea how many people this is going to hit home with. I have been married for 13 years and I can’t stand sex. I feel like the only thing he wants me for is sex. There’s no touching at all unless it leads to sex so I purposely avoid him. I know that it’s wrong but I can’t help myself. I’ve felt like something is wrong with me. But then I read this today (my friend told me about it) and I have to say it opened my eyes to quite a few things in my own sex life. My husband feels hurt by how I’ve acted and now it seems even harder to try and make it right. The thing I don’t understand is how can I make myself like it? Can you help me?

  • VinceHr8935
    Posted at 12:00h, 31 August Reply

    Wow. Where do I begin? I came home last night to a note that said, “If you love me, you’ll read all three of these posts! P.S. This is not a joke. P.S.S. I mean it. It’s non negotiable!” I wasn’t sure what to think. My wife is pretty calm and doesn’t get upset very easily. So I knew that I better read this.

    There’s so much to say but I’ll try to limit my remarks to only a few.

    I didn’t know that I was a man that didn’t know what he was doing. I know how to have sex. I know how it works and what the end goal is, but if I’m being honest I stick to the two main areas on her body. I didn’t even think to ask her if there WERE other areas that she’d like for me to know about. As I’m thinking about this, I think she tried to tell me but I didn’t want to hear it. She’d mention things that sounded interesting to her but they sounded out of my comfort zone to me so I didn’t follow through. Maybe I hoped that she’d forget it and move on or just be content with what I was doing already.

    I consider myself to be an intelligent man and I believe that maybe that arrogance is how I find myself here now writing to you. I feel like I am learning how to make love to my wife all over again. I was focused on my own needs and sadly not worried about hers. I was definitely not communicating with her and now knowing that I need to begin to do that, I find that I’m out of my element. What do I say? What do I do to let her know that I love her and that I care about how she feels about our sex life and about our marriage? I want her to enjoy it. But now I feel almost embarrassed to try or to start. I feel stupid that I didn’t do this earlier. Also, the thought has occurred to me, what if she doesn’t want me anymore? What if I’m not enough for her? What advice can you give to those of us that have made mistakes but want to change? How do we do that?

    BTW, I love your music.

  • WillNms31
    Posted at 12:00h, 31 August Reply

    I have blown it and I don’t know what to do about it. I got your website information from a friend at work and he said that you really helped he and his wife with sexual stuff. So I read all 3 of your articles and I knew that this was going to change many things in my mind about the way I’ve been living. When you wrote, “This is what a marriage vow before God means…It is our commitment to do whatever it takes to keep our “ENTIRE” marriage God honoring” I knew that I had blown it. I’ve been unfaithful and the thing is I don’t even think she really cares. As long as I’m providing her with the money she needs to do what she wants, she seems disinterested in anything that has to do with me. I don’t know how I got here exactly. I meant my vows and I’d like to think I still do but what do you do if you have betrayed the one you love? I mean she has every right to leave me.

    I didn’t have an ongoing relationship with the other woman but I did engage and pursue her once we first had physical contact. She treated me like I mattered. And I needed to matter to someone. I’m not making excuses but I’m just telling you what happened.

    I feel angry. I also feel guilty. I haven’t been the most attentive in the bedroom and maybe that has played a factor in the distance between us. She seemed like she enjoyed sex but didn’t want to do it as much as I did. Now looking back I wonder if she was faking it with me just so that she could just hurry up and get it over with.

    Tell me what to do! Is there any hope?

  • 413131
    Posted at 12:00h, 31 August Reply

    This has been really eye-opening and I just had a couple of questions.

    I am unable to have an orgasm by having sex. I’ve tried everything I know and I just can’t do it. I want to try oral sex but he doesn’t seem to want to do that for me. Is there something else I can do or say to make him change his mind?

    If your husband wants to use toys as part of the sexual experience, what are your thoughts on those? Are they okay? Are there any you’d recommend?

    I’m going to try to get him to read these with me. God bless you for taking something painful and using it to help people.

  • Anne44zur3
    Posted at 12:00h, 31 August Reply

    Yes yes yes! I needed to read this. I am one of those women that is too embarrassed to open my mouth. I don’t know why. I guess I felt like I might hurt his feelings if I said anything negative. But the truth is it doesn’t feel good. I never thought about it could be ‘a sin by withholding anything from my spouse’. That hit me like a ton of bricks. I love the way you write. My question is how do you go about having that discussion? I know you talked about it but I’m afraid to do it. I feel like I won’t be able to say it the right way.

  • Phil423
    Posted at 12:00h, 31 August Reply

    Hi Sonya. I have a story that is very similar to yours. I was abused by my father and he never got held accountable for what he did because he convinced everyone that I was lying. It has been a struggle for me to trust anyone. I met my husband at a party and we hit it off right away. We were married about a year later. At first he was kind and loving and the sex was unbelievable but it turned after I had our first child. He seemed to lose interest and find reasons to stay away from home and me. One night I caught him texting with a woman from his work and when I confronted him, he told me that I was making too much out of nothing. I knew it was more then that. He was defensive and he seemed angry at me for accusing him of something like cheating. About 5 months later, he came to me and confessed that he had been cheating on me and that it was with the woman that he had been texting. At first I was determined to get a divorce but then I saw this article. I realized that I needed to try to forgive him and make my marriage the best it could be. My friends told me I was nuts but I knew that it was the right thing to do. I had to try. Especially for my son.

    I began to pray for my marriage. I haven’t ever done that before. But I felt like after reading this and watching your testimony that God had been trying to get my attention for a long time. Little by little I could see my husband changing. There were days that I thought I can’t do this anymore but I just trusted the Lord to tell me what to do.

    About two days ago, he came home from work, got down on his knees and asked me to forgive him. He said that he didn’t know why I forgave him and that whatever the reason, if God wanted us to be married and if God wanted me to choose to stay, then he would stay too. I started to cry and so did he and we prayed together for the first time ever. He even thanked God for allowing him to keep his family together. This is a miracle. I have my husband back. He is a different man.

    Thank you for your faithfulness. Thank you for sharing your pain and for loving us enough to tell the truth. You are right. God can change everything.

  • 52291112
    Posted at 12:00h, 31 August Reply

    I loved this series. Way to go, Sonya!

  • 23498792
    Posted at 12:00h, 31 August Reply

    Do you teach a class? I’d love to be in that class if you do. Wonderful articles!

  • 55868
    Posted at 12:00h, 31 August Reply

    I struggle with body image. I want to move on from this but every time I think I’m feeling more confident, something happens and I get defeated. I wonder if my husband is not interested in me anymore? He’s nice to me but he isn’t very interested. It’s like I don’t exist more then what’s for dinner or how our kids are doing in school. I feel lonely a lot and I don’t know how to tell him these things. What if he rejects me? What will I do then?

  • TheBensons7
    Posted at 12:00h, 31 August Reply

    You are such a blessing. My wife and I have been sitting here reading your posts and have laughed because you are absolutely right when it comes to everything you said about sex. We want to make our marriage the best it can be. That hasn’t always been our priority. We wanted you to know that we are going to be communicating and working on any crud that comes up. Thank you for this wonderful personal series that shows how much you love your husband and how much you love God.

  • PatriciaRwqq
    Posted at 12:00h, 31 August Reply

    My husband is addicted to pornography and I’ve told him how it makes me feel but he won’t stop doing it. Do you think I have a right to ask him to leave? I need some advice.

  • geww5521
    Posted at 12:00h, 31 August Reply

    Two months ago my wife started staying out late with friends. Prior to that she had started exercising and losing weight and I noticed that she didn’t seem to be interested in me or what I was doing. I supported her desire to lose weight and then out of the blue, she came home and said that she was not in love with me and that she wanted to be with someone who took care of themselves. I am devastated. I have tried everything to take better care of myself and to get her back but she doesn’t want me. I think she’s having an affair. I can’t help but think that some of the things you mentioned here would have helped my marriage to last. Body image is a big issue for me. I feel hopeless. Can you pray for me?

  • KimTul65
    Posted at 12:00h, 02 September Reply

    I really liked what you had to say. What do you do if you are struggling with your spouse’s body? We’ve been married 7 years and my husband is over weight. He doesn’t want to try to get healthy and I’m worried that he is going to have a heart attack. I’m not a victoria secret model but I try to exercise and eat better choices. It’s not about being thin, I just want him to be able to enjoy life with me. I think he struggles with depression over his weight, too. Do you have any suggestions?

  • 284992
    Posted at 12:00h, 02 September Reply

    Great series, Sonya! I wanted to ask you what your thoughts are about masturbation? Are there books that you would recommend? I want us to get the zing back. We love each other but we’re in a rut.

  • *eeel4trey
    Posted at 12:00h, 02 September Reply

    What do you do if you’re never in the mood to have sex? What can I do? I have small kids and I’m exhausted most days. I love my husband and I enjoy being close but sex just isn’t on my “to-do” list. Help!

  • ChasePww14
    Posted at 12:00h, 02 September Reply

    I don’t know where to start. I am 38 years old and I have been divorced for a 1 year and 1/2. I saw this ad on Facebook and I clicked on it and it took me to this article. I don’t know what it was about you but your words drew me in. This isn’t the typical thing that I’m into or would even give a second glance but I couldn’t help myself. I wanted to know what you would say about sex and why it’s not happening. I want you to know that I read all three. I hate to admit it but, you were right.

    It’s not easy to admit that I’m wrong. I didn’t realize how prideful I am. But after reading this I know that I’ve made some big mistakes when it comes to my wife and sex. I still call her my wife because in my eyes she still is. I know I need to move on but I guess it’s too soon for me to accept that this has happened to us.

    My introduction to sex was pornography. My first sexual experience was when I was 15 and the girl was 17. I got married when I was 24 and I had been with lots of other women before my wife. But when I saw my wife, that was it. She was it for me and I knew that it was over. She is the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. I felt like I was the luckiest man on the planet to get a girl like her. But it took me a while to see that I treated her more like one of my trophies then a person with goals and needs. She would complain and tell me that she needed more from me and I just chalked it up to women being needy or maybe that time of the month. I know. It sounds stupid. Who am I kidding? I am stupid. I thought if I gave her everything she wanted, that she would be happy.

    I took her for granted and I checked out of our marriage. I pushed my own agenda when it comes to sex and as long as I got gratification I was good. I never stopped to ask her what she needed. I assumed I knew what that was. I was too rough. The part about “It doesn’t feel good” was right on the money. My goal most often was to get my needs met. Not hers.

    I didn’t give her the emotional love that she craved. I think I made her second guess herself and her worth. I remember she struggled with her looks. I dismissed it because I thought, ‘how could a woman that beautiful be insecure about how she looks?’ I thought she was probably fishing for compliments. Now that I look back at it, it was probably more then I realized. Maybe a need that she needed from me to make her secure in my love and commitment to her. I was a workaholic. I put most of my energy into my job and my personal fitness but I didn’t ever ask her what she wanted or needed. She was my trophy and I felt like I deserved her. That was the first of many mistakes, thinking that I could be worthy to deserve a woman like her. Stupid!

    I have to say that hearing the things that you have been through put a whole different spin on sex and pornography. You forget that it’s a human being that is involved and she’s possibly not doing this on her own accord and if she is there’s a reason for it. I don’t know how a person who’s been through what you have can even want to have sex. Obviously, your faith is what moves you forward and has kept you going and able to do what you do. I could use a little of that faith now. Why? Once I knew the truth, I had to do something.

    There was only one thing that I knew to do and so I had to go to my wife and ask her to forgive me. I didn’t know if she would listen or slap me in the face. So, I waited outside her door until she got home last night and we talked. I told her how I felt-everything, how much I loved her, how grateful I was that she chose me, about your article, about what I learned and that I was sorry for everything that I did (in detail) throughout our marriage. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I told her that I wasn’t doing this to pressure her or manipulate her to get her back. All I wanted was for her to know how I felt and that I was sorry for not being the husband or the partner she needed me to be. I asked her to forgive me and she didn’t say a word. I think I shocked her. She just stood there and I was ready to just turn around and leave. Finally, she said, “Why did you wait so long to tell me this stuff?” And that was the start of a new beginning. Something changed.

    I just got home from an all night talk-a-thon with my EX wife. She had a lot to say. Some of it was hard to hear but I listened. It was about her last night. She needed me to hear her. It turns out I learned quite a bit about how little I did know about a woman’s needs. I also heard how much she tried. She gave me her heart and I threw that away because I got lazy. I am the most driven person, but once I got her, I didn’t work hard to keep her.

    I have no idea what’s going to happen next, but I feel like I am at peace. I haven’t felt this way in years. She has forgiven me and I don’t feel any anger from her or towards her like before. I have to believe that this was god’s plan all along. Right? Am I crazy for thinking that god wanted me to find your site and read these articles so that I could go to her? This is the crud that you talk about, isn’t it? I had crud and so did my wife. We never dealt with it and we ended up hurting each other and then getting a divorce. I love her. I do want her back. But I won’t mess up what god is doing.

    I wanted to tell you that I am grateful to you for what you’re doing to help people like me. I felt permission to do the right thing because of your words. I also feel like you’ve brought god into my life where he hasn’t been before. This has to be god as far as I’m concerned. Only god could do this. Please pray for me. If I do get the chance to get her back, I want to be the man that I know I can be. And if I don’t, I still want to be that man.

    Sonya, your heart is a beautiful thing to behold. Even in the dark things that you’ve been through, you are beautiful. I’m thankful that god saved you so you could share your story with us. You’ve given me a gift and I can’t thank you enough. I hope this encourages you to keep doing what you’re doing.

  • JamieRq2123
    Posted at 12:00h, 05 September Reply

    This was hard for me to read today. I have been struggling with my husband for about 2 years. He had an affair with a woman I was friends with. It was probably the most painful thing I’ve ever been through. We are still together but it’s hard for me to trust him. I find it hard to let him in both sexually and emotionally. I’m trying hard to forgive him but knowing that he was capable of doing something like that before makes me shut down. I know I’ve got to deal with this crud. He’s trying to make it right. It’s me that’s having the issue. What should I do?

  • AngieS
    Posted at 12:00h, 27 January Reply

    I appreciate what you are doing, and respect you for it. Awaiting God’s complete healing in myself, and experiencing the BEST our marriage can experience. Thank you

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