10 Feb SEX – It’s What’s NOT Happening – Part 2
In all my years in ministry, I’ve talked to lots of people about SEX. Men and women in committed marriages, are NOT having sex. Why? I’ve found that it always comes down to one of 3 things or a combination of all three.
#1 It doesn’t feel good.
I totally get it. Why would anyone want to have sex if it doesn’t feel good?
Several years ago there was a young bride who had married a sweet Christian young man. Both had grown up in the church. Both were serving Jesus and active in ministry. I received a hysterical phone call about a month later. She said that she wanted out of her marriage and that if he would try to touch her again, she was going to hit him over the head with something large and heavy.
When I got to the restaurant, she was calmly eating chips and salsa (the drug that works EVERY time-hee hee) and she simply explained that he was an animal when it came to sex. She said he was too fast, too rough and completely clueless on what felt good to her. When I asked, “Did you tell him this?” She exclaimed in a mortified cry, “NO WAY! I can’t tell him THAT! You mean like out loud? No way. I can’t say THAT.”
One size does not fit all.
Let me explain what I mean by that. Every human being is different. Different likes and dislikes. Different points of pleasure. What feels good to one person doesn’t to the the other. Communication IS intimacy.
If you are not communicating, then you are “guessing”.
Most people are horrible mind readers. (Laugh a little.) We must communicate what we want.
One lady I talked to a couple years back shared that she rarely had sex with her husband. This is a professional, committed Christian couple who lead in their local church, teach bible studies and love each other deeply. They DO NOT have sex. EVER.
When I asked her, “Why?” She said, “I don’t know how it can be wrong and a dirty thing one minute, then you get married and all of a sudden it’s supposed to be okay. It always feels dirty.”
Another lady that I talked to said, “I have to force myself to have sex with him, which is about twice a year. I just go to another place inside and wait for him to be finished.” Again, Christian couple, leaders in the church, married for more than 20 years, loves Jesus and loves people.
Another Christian woman said, “I don’t like sex at all. It’s not big deal to me. But I know he needs it. So we have sex every week, but I don’t feel anything.”
I think it’s important to note that I asked all three of these women if they had ever had an orgasm. Two didn’t know. One said, “I think so.” Hmmmm. When I asked them, “Does it feel good to you? Do you feel pleasure from any part of it?” They ALL said, “NO!” When I asked them if they had ever communicated how they felt directly to their husbands, all 3 said, “No. I just get quiet or I avoid him altogether.”
When I asked them if they loved their husbands, all 3 got teary-eyed and emphatically said, “YES!” So what’s the deal?
This is my opinion. I am not a fan of the “lie there and take it because HE needs it” mentality. I think that’s bogus. You need it just as much as they do. It’s a connection that has no equal. I think it’s a lie and hurtful to your husband and to yourself. I think that God specifically said, “Don’t lie to each other, for you have stripped off your old sinful nature and all its wicked deeds.” Colossians 3:9 “And whatever you do or say, do it as a representative of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through him to God the Father.” Colossians 3:17
How would you feel to be lied to? It would be a betrayal and hurt a spouse’s feelings if the other spouse “FAKED” anything. It’s a lie. Ugh.
If SEX doesn’t feel good, if it’s not pleasurable, then NOBODY is going to want to have sex.
That doesn’t make them a prude or frigid. It makes them human. God has designed our bodies for a man and a woman to GIVE and RECEIVE pleasure. Do you have any idea how many erogenous zones there are on a woman? On a man?
Don’t you think we owe it to the one that we love the most in this world to find out?
We must work with all diligence, in truth and love, to communicate what we want. We must trust God and trust our spouse to open ourselves up and to tell them what we need. Do you really want to continue GUESSING with something so important? How’s that working for you?
Guys, a woman who feels loved, secure, safe and pleasured will WANT to have sex. Trust me. God has made it that way. Girls, a man who feels loved, secure, safe and pleasured will WANT to have sex with you. But, it has to feel good. That’s just a fact.
Here is something else that I have discovered in my ministry, MOST husbands WANT to please their wives, sexually. Seriously. They just have NO CLUE how to do that. Part of that is on them because they have things they need to do to learn. But here’s the part that you girls DON’T WANT TO HEAR but you NEED to HEAR IT. If you are unwilling to open your mouth and tell them how you feel, what you want and what you enjoy, it is NOT their fault they don’t know. That’s on YOU.
I have great news. This can be fixed.
We have more resources today, then ever before. There are wonderful books, therapists and conferences that deal with sex. And the greatest resource we have is the bible. Song of Solomon is a wonderful gift that God gave to His people. I’ve heard that many people don’t understand what Song of Solomon is saying exactly (lots of fruit and gardens – hee hee) but there are many books and resources available to explain and break it down.
To me, there is nothing sexier then a man or woman who WANTS to make their marriage the BEST it can be. When a husband or a wife wants to learn more about sex and what their spouse enjoys and is willing to do whatever it takes to make sex pleasurable and deeply intimate is just such a beautiful picture of love. It’s desiring more for the other than ourselves. But through God’s grace, we reap the benefit of that pleasure, too. It’s truly precious.
The other great resource we have is our MOUTH.
Communication can change EVERYTHING. By opening up and talking to our spouse about how we feel, what we like and what we don’t like, it can make ALL the difference.
Let me park here for a little bit. For many who struggle with talking about sex, that struggle comes from a place of guilt, shame, or pain. When I first got to church, I heard that sex is wrong and that only “Bad girls” WANT to have sex. I had had sex. So I was definitely a bad girl. Then I got married and asking for what I wanted out loud, would be admitting I liked it, which would make me a “bad girl”. That’s one of the reasons I’m so passionate about changing how we talk about sex. We need to retrain our brains to think about sex in a Jesus-filled way.
The other struggle comes from believing what the world has forced upon us. That if it’s “TRUE LOVE“, then both people would automatically KNOW what the other wanted, what pleased the other and no talking would be necessary because we were so IN LOVE and we just KNEW what to do because of that love. That is a load of hooey. Real life is WAY better. Sex is WAY better when both spouses are communicating, working together to make it awesome.
Don’t be afraid to communicate. This is just a tip but…sometimes it’s easier to talk about SEX when you’re not naked. Choose a place where you won’t be interrupted or where you have privacy. A long drive in the car alone works REALLY good. And then when you’re done talking, you could have sex there, too. Just sayin’. (smile)
Our spouses WANT us to enjoy sex with them. They don’t know what you want until you tell them. So let’s HELP make that happen. OPEN UP YOUR MOUTH and communicate.
#2 Poor Body Image
This toxic poison effects both MEN and WOMEN. Let’s face it, most of us are NOT where we’d like to be in the area of physical fitness and body shape, weight or overall image. All of us have something that we don’t like about our physical image or things that we’d like to change. But for some there is something that goes WAY deeper then just a dislike of hip size or wanting straighter teeth. I’ve talked to so many beautiful girls who are half my weight and they’ll look me in the face and swear how fat and ugly they are.
I’ve heard from many men that say, “I love my wife. I think she’s beautiful but no matter what I say, she won’t believe me. She thinks she’s ugly.” Or “I wish she was more confident. It’s not only when she acts like she WANTS me, but when she understands and accepts how much I WANT her, there is nothing sexier then that. THAT turns me on!”
How sad that we’ve let unhealthy thoughts about ourselves inhibit or literally push away the one we love. Not to mention when we constantly talk down about ourselves, our kids hear this and are driven to unhealthy views on body image, love and marriage.
Quit believing the WORLD and start believing the SAVIOR who created you, loves you and died for you!
Every human body is different, unique. Celebrate what’s working for you. Do you have a beautiful smile? How about awesome hair? What about your personality? If there are things you want to change, CHANGE them. That part is up to you. If you want to lose weight, do something about it. If you need a make over – DO IT!
It cost Jesus ALOT to save you. Don’t spit on that. When you tear yourself apart, you basically slap Him in the face for all that He’s done. It’s NOT okay to talk negatively about yourself. EVER.
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. Ephesians 4:29
Unwholesome talk. Hmmm.
Like when we look in the mirror and say, “You are ugly.” Or worse. “I hate you.” How many times have we said horrible things about ourselves? OUCH. Is that helpful? Does that change anything? No. It continues to solidify negative, defeated thoughts and feelings about who we are. Read that verse again – OUT LOUD.
NO unwholesome talk – ONLY what is helpful for building up. Earlier in Ephesians in verse 23, it talks about letting the Holy Spirit RENEW our thoughts and attitudes.