SEX – It’s What’s NOT Happening – Part 2

SEX – It’s What’s NOT Happening – Part 2

In all my years in ministry, I’ve talked to lots of people about SEX. Men and women in committed marriages, are NOT having sex. Why? I’ve found that it always comes down to one of 3 things or a combination of all three.

#1 It doesn’t feel good.

I totally get it. Why would anyone want to have sex if it doesn’t feel good?

Several years ago there was a young bride who had married a sweet Christian young man. Both had grown up in the church. Both were serving Jesus and active in ministry. I received a hysterical phone call about a month later. She said that she wanted out of her marriage and that if he would try to touch her again, she was going to hit him over the head with something large and heavy.

When I got to the restaurant, she was calmly eating chips and salsa (the drug that works EVERY time-hee hee) and she simply explained that he was an animal when it came to sex. She said he was too fast, too rough and completely clueless on what felt good to her. When I asked, “Did you tell him this?” She exclaimed in a mortified cry, “NO WAY! I can’t tell him THAT! You mean like out loud? No way. I can’t say THAT.”

One size does not fit all.

Let me explain what I mean by that. Every human being is different. Different likes and dislikes. Different points of pleasure. What feels good to one person doesn’t to the the other. Communication IS intimacy.

If you are not communicating, then you are “guessing”.

Most people are horrible mind readers. (Laugh a little.) We must communicate what we want.

One lady I talked to a couple years back shared that she rarely had sex with her husband. This is a professional, committed Christian couple who lead in their local church, teach bible studies and love each other deeply. They DO NOT have sex. EVER.

When I asked her, “Why?” She said, “I don’t know how it can be wrong and a dirty thing one minute, then you get married and all of a sudden it’s supposed to be okay. It always feels dirty.”

Another lady that I talked to said, “I have to force myself to have sex with him, which is about twice a year. I just go to another place inside and wait for him to be finished.” Again, Christian couple, leaders in the church, married for more than 20 years, loves Jesus and loves people.

Another Christian woman said, “I don’t like sex at all. It’s not big deal to me. But I know he needs it. So we have sex every week, but I don’t feel anything.”

I think it’s important to note that I asked all three of these women if they had ever had an orgasm. Two didn’t know. One said, “I think so.” Hmmmm. When I asked them, “Does it feel good to you? Do you feel pleasure from any part of it?” They ALL said, “NO!” When I asked them if they had ever communicated how they felt directly to their husbands, all 3 said, “No. I just get quiet or I avoid him altogether.”

When I asked them if they loved their husbands, all 3 got teary-eyed and emphatically said, “YES!” So what’s the deal?

This is my opinion. I am not a fan of the “lie there and take it because HE needs it” mentality. I think that’s bogus. You need it just as much as they do. It’s a connection that has no equal. I think it’s a lie and hurtful to your husband and to yourself. I think that God specifically said, “Don’t lie to each other, for you have stripped off your old sinful nature and all its wicked deeds.” Colossians 3:9 “And whatever you do or say, do it as a representative of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through him to God the Father.” Colossians 3:17

How would you feel to be lied to? It would be a betrayal and hurt a spouse’s feelings if the other spouse “FAKED” anything. It’s a lie. Ugh.

If SEX doesn’t feel good, if it’s not pleasurable, then NOBODY is going to want to have sex.

That doesn’t make them a prude or frigid. It makes them human. God has designed our bodies for a man and a woman to GIVE and RECEIVE pleasure. Do you have any idea how many erogenous zones there are on a woman? On a man? 

Don’t you think we owe it to the one that we love the most in this world to find out?

We must work with all diligence, in truth and love, to communicate what we want. We must trust God and trust our spouse to open ourselves up and to tell them what we need. Do you really want to continue GUESSING with something so important? How’s that working for you? 

Guys, a woman who feels loved, secure, safe and pleasured will WANT to have sex. Trust me. God has made it that way. Girls, a man who feels loved, secure, safe and pleasured will WANT to have sex with you. But, it has to feel good. That’s just a fact.

Here is something else that I have discovered in my ministry, MOST husbands WANT to please their wives, sexually. Seriously. They just have NO CLUE how to do that. Part of that is on them because they have things they need to do to learn. But here’s the part that you girls DON’T WANT TO HEAR but you NEED to HEAR IT. If you are unwilling to open your mouth and tell them how you feel, what you want and what you enjoy, it is NOT their fault they don’t know. That’s on YOU.

I have great news. This can be fixed.

We have more resources today, then ever before. There are wonderful books, therapists and conferences that deal with sex. And the greatest resource we have is the bible. Song of Solomon is a wonderful gift that God gave to His people. I’ve heard that many people don’t understand what Song of Solomon is saying exactly (lots of fruit and gardens – hee hee) but there are many books and resources available to explain and break it down.

To me, there is nothing sexier then a man or woman who WANTS to make their marriage the BEST it can be. When a husband or a wife wants to learn more about sex and what their spouse enjoys and is willing to do whatever it takes to make sex pleasurable and deeply intimate is just such a beautiful picture of love. It’s desiring more for the other than ourselves. But through God’s grace, we reap the benefit of that pleasure, too. It’s truly precious.

The other great resource we have is our MOUTH.

Communication can change EVERYTHING. By opening up and talking to our spouse about how we feel, what we like and what we don’t like, it can make ALL the difference.

Let me park here for a little bit. For many who struggle with talking about sex, that struggle comes from a place of guilt, shame, or pain. When I first got to church, I heard that sex is wrong and that only “Bad girls” WANT to have sex.  I had had sex. So I was definitely a bad girl. Then I got married and asking for what I wanted out loud, would be admitting I liked it, which would make me a “bad girl”. That’s one of the reasons I’m so passionate about changing how we talk about sex. We need to retrain our brains to think about sex in a Jesus-filled way. 

The other struggle comes from believing what the world has forced upon us. That if it’s “TRUE LOVE“, then both people would automatically KNOW what the other wanted, what pleased the other and no talking would be necessary because we were so IN LOVE and we just KNEW what to do because of that love. That is a load of hooey. Real life is WAY better. Sex is WAY better when both spouses are communicating, working together to make it awesome. 

Don’t be afraid to communicate. This is just a tip but…sometimes it’s easier to talk about SEX when you’re not naked. Choose a place where you won’t be interrupted or where you have privacy. A long drive in the car alone works REALLY good. And then when you’re done talking, you could have sex there, too. Just sayin’. (smile)

Our spouses WANT us to enjoy sex with them. They don’t know what you want until you tell them. So let’s HELP make that happen. OPEN UP YOUR MOUTH and communicate. 

#2 Poor Body Image

This toxic poison effects both MEN and WOMEN. Let’s face it, most of us are NOT where we’d like to be in the area of physical fitness and body shape, weight or overall image. All of us have something that we don’t like about our physical image or things that we’d like to change. But for some there is something that goes WAY deeper then just a dislike of hip size or wanting straighter teeth. I’ve talked to so many beautiful girls who are half my weight and they’ll look me in the face and swear how fat and ugly they are.

I’ve heard from many men that say, “I love my wife. I think she’s beautiful but no matter what I say, she won’t believe me. She thinks she’s ugly.” Or “I wish she was more confident. It’s not only when she acts like she WANTS me, but when she understands and accepts how much I WANT her, there is nothing sexier then that. THAT turns me on!”

How sad that we’ve let unhealthy thoughts about ourselves inhibit or literally push away the one we love. Not to mention when we constantly talk down about ourselves, our kids hear this and are driven to unhealthy views on body image, love and marriage.

Quit believing the WORLD and start believing the SAVIOR who created you, loves you and died for you!

Every human body is different, unique. Celebrate what’s working for you. Do you have a beautiful smile? How about awesome hair? What about your personality? If there are things you want to change, CHANGE them. That part is up to you. If you want to lose weight, do something about it. If you need a make over – DO IT!

It cost Jesus ALOT to save you. Don’t spit on that. When you tear yourself apart, you basically slap Him in the face for all that He’s done. It’s NOT okay to talk negatively about yourself. EVER.

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. Ephesians 4:29

Unwholesome talk. Hmmm.

Like when we look in the mirror and say, “You are ugly.” Or worse. “I hate you.” How many times have we said horrible things about ourselves? OUCH. Is that helpful? Does that change anything? No. It continues to solidify negative, defeated thoughts and feelings about who we are. Read that verse again – OUT LOUD.

 

NO unwholesome talk – ONLY what is helpful for building up. Earlier in Ephesians in verse 23, it talks about letting the Holy Spirit RENEW our thoughts and attitudes.

 

If you don’t like yourself, have the courage to ask “WHY?” And then be honest. Be honest with yourself. And be honest with God.

Have you withheld yourself from your spouse because of this? It’s NOT okay. Do whatever you have to do to tell the truth, deal with the crud and start living.

Okay. We’ve got one more to go. We can do this. Are you with me? Click on the link below as we conclude our 3 part series.

“SEX – It’s What’s NOT Happening” – Part 3

34 Comments
  • Joy7press
    Posted at 22:48h, 10 February Reply

    Well done. Real. Truthful. Insightful. Wonderful job, my dear. You nailed it. Sonya, you are my hero.

  • GrettaN
    Posted at 22:51h, 10 February Reply

    This hit me right in the heart. I am guilty of not having sex with my husband because I feel so horrible about myself. I can’t believe that he would ever WANT to have sex with me. Why would he want to? Maybe if I keep all the lights off, I can do it. I’ve been married for 8 years and I can’t shake this feeling of being undesirable. This is really eye opening.

  • ColeF89
    Posted at 22:54h, 10 February Reply

    Sonya, this has blown me away. You have described my and I completely. She thinks she’s ugly and lacks confidence. No matter what I tell her, she will not accept it as truth. This is so good. It’s really hard to be in a marriage where you want to have sex but your wife won’t. i can’t wait for part 3.

  • Nam441
    Posted at 22:54h, 10 February Reply

    Convicting. Very convicting. Waiting for part 3.

  • ChelseaK3
    Posted at 22:58h, 10 February Reply

    You do know that you are going to have to make the speaking circuit about all of this. It’s so good. I struggle with body image. It’s paralyzing when you feel ugly or unworthy. I was abused as a child, too and gained a bunch of weight. My husband is a wonderful man but he doesn’t understand why I still feel bad about my past. I am so grateful that you put into words how I feel. It’s good to know that I’m not alone. Thank you. Trying to deal with my crud is hard.

  • CraigEck12
    Posted at 22:59h, 10 February Reply

    Men are not the only ones that don’t know what they’re doing. Women need to work on this issue, too.

  • Hamwichx
    Posted at 23:01h, 10 February Reply

    Thank you, Sonya. This is just what I needed to hear. I have been married for 4 years to a beautiful girl, but she has serious hang ups about sex. It’s gotten so bad that I feel discouraged and have been wondering if I can continue in this marriage at all. It’s true that I haven’t had the most patience with her attitude, but I can see now that I have work to do. I can do more. Looking forward to working this crud out. Feeling hopeful for the first time in months.

  • DedeGray
    Posted at 23:03h, 10 February Reply

    Your open heartfelt approach makes me relax and able to really ask myself and God the hard questions. GREAT JOB! Can’t wait for part 3.

  • BSeuqe
    Posted at 23:04h, 10 February Reply

    Great article. I am a husband that wants to please his wife. I would like to learn more how to do that. Could you give me some resources that you think would be helpful?

  • ZoeDash
    Posted at 23:05h, 10 February Reply

    This whole series has been SO good, Sonya. You are nailing it, girl. You have made us look at things that we’ve not ever looked at before. I love my husband. I need to TRUST him enough to give him everything. I pray I have the courage to do that. Thank you.

  • HillaryWn2
    Posted at 23:07h, 10 February Reply

    “Quit believing the WORLD and start believing the SAVIOR who created you, loves you and died for you!” Wow. I am so convicted right now. I have believed the lies. I pray that my husband will be able to forgive me. I really love him. Thank you for your courage.

  • BeckyLEz
    Posted at 23:08h, 10 February Reply

    Sonya, only you could talk about SEX and get people smiling and laughing. I love you, girl!

  • Jordan6LT
    Posted at 23:10h, 10 February Reply

    Is it wrong that I want to invite you over to dinner and talk to my husband and I about sex? We need you, Sonya. Seriously. I’d love to be able to pick your brain and ask you questions. You have such great insights and the way that you speak, puts us at ease. This is such a wonderful article. I’ve learned so much already. I can’t wait for part 3.

  • MeganPryw
    Posted at 23:12h, 10 February Reply

    I have to confess that I thought I was going to be angry reading this but all I felt was relief. I think I’ve been struggling with sex and some past abuse issues. I feel like I’m going to lose my husband if I don’t get it together. I really need to deal with it. I can’t put it off any longer. I struggle with making it not “dirty”. How have you been able to separate what was done to you and sex with your husband?

  • BrendaEv8
    Posted at 15:03h, 11 February Reply

    Oh this is convicting. I have been married for 9 years and I love my husband but he’s just awkward in the bedroom. I was not a virgin when we got married and either was he. So I thought that he would know what to do but I was wrong. He’s a great father. But as far as sex goes, he just doesn’t get it. But you are right. I have not opened up my mouth to tell him. Why? It’s because I feel stupid having to say it out loud and I don’t want to sound like I’m some kind of dominatrix who is demanding my own way. That’s not me. I have been guilty of hiding my feelings from him which has lead to me avoiding him sexually. I have been the wife that’s “faked” it because I just never got there with anything he was doing. I think I would like it if it felt good. But now after all these years, how do I bring it up without crushing him?

  • CourtneeW
    Posted at 15:05h, 11 February Reply

    This was excellent. I’m so glad that you wrote this article, Sonya. I’m a little disappointed that you didn’t draw us pictures. HA! Love your heart for ministry and for people. Praying that many people will GET IT ON this Valentine’s Day.

  • Gr8tfate
    Posted at 15:13h, 11 February Reply

    How did you know I needed to read this? Wow. This is powerful for those of us that struggle with sex. I struggle with body image. People tell me that I’m pretty but I don’t believe it. I compare myself to others to the point that I avoid sex as much as possible. But then I feel guilty and I “lay there and take it”. I feel like a horrible wife. I have a really great husband who loves me but even he has become detached because I’m so weird. I never thought about him WANTING me to enjoy it. The part where you wrote about the husband’s comment, “I’ve heard from many men that say, “I love my wife. I think she’s beautiful but no matter what I say, she won’t believe me. She thinks she’s ugly.” That is so me! But the next line cut me to my core when he said, “I wish she was more confident. It’s not only when she acts like she WANTS me, but when she understands and accepts how much I WANT her, there is nothing sexier then that. THAT turns me on!” My question is will he forgive me? Or is it too late?

  • Trxq354
    Posted at 15:16h, 11 February Reply

    My husband and I NEVER have sex. We are the couple that you are writing about. But we are the opposite. I’m the one who wants sex but he doesn’t. I’ve tried to talk to him but he will not tell me the real reason. I suspect that he struggles with body image. He has lost weight and then gained weight multiple times but that has never mattered to me and I tell him that but he doesn’t believe what I say. I feel so lonely. I would never cheat on him but it does feel nice when the guys at work pay attention to me. Heck, it’s nice when any guy pays attention to me. I want some passion in my life and I want that with him. What can I do to help him?

  • Max89rv
    Posted at 15:19h, 11 February Reply

    Help! I need you to tell me what to do to make my wife feel better about sex. I love her with all my heart but after reading this, I suspect that I am one of those guys that doesn’t have a clue how to give her pleasure. I would never admit this to anyone but here I am. That’s what I love about you. You make us feel like we’re not alone and that we can change. So this is me asking for help. What can I do?

  • JoanN23
    Posted at 15:21h, 11 February Reply

    There’s way more to life than sex. What about family life and a professional life? I don’t hate sex. But I don’t love it, either. My husband and I have a good marriage. It works for us. What’s wrong with that? All you’re doing is making people feel guilty about something that they don’t need to feel guilty about. That’s not helping anyone.

  • Salli678
    Posted at 15:24h, 11 February Reply

    I am so convicted. You just wrote the story of my life. I love my husband but it never feels good. He gets what he needs but I don’t feel anything. I’m too embarrassed to tell him what I want and the truth is I’m not even sure what I would ask for in the first place.

    • hisgirl
      Posted at 16:23h, 11 February Reply

      You raise an excellent point. If we don’t know what we want, how can we ever expect our husbands to know what we want? So start with your reaction to this article. Why were you so convicted? What did you think or feel while you read it? Start there. When you say, “He gets what he needs” are you sure? Do you trust your husband? Has he ever given you any reason to not trust him? If you do, then you’re going to have to approach this head on and push through your embarrassment. Have you ever written your feelings down on paper? Start there and then maybe give it to him or read it to him. You can do this. He’s worth it and so are you.

  • Ben0400
    Posted at 15:25h, 11 February Reply

    “Sonya, you’re a corker! What a corker you are!” I love you!

    • hisgirl
      Posted at 16:15h, 11 February Reply

      Hee hee! I love that movie.

  • RileyNod
    Posted at 15:29h, 11 February Reply

    I love your blog. I like the way you explain things so that I can relate to it. I’ve been married for 3 years and I do not enjoy sex. Well, I like kissing and stuff. I love my husband but I don’t like to have sex. We have sex about twice a month but it hurts me and I don’t know how to tell him that it’s not good for me. Do you teach classes?

  • ToddU5
    Posted at 15:38h, 11 February Reply

    Thank you for writing this article. I’m sorry for everything that you had to go through as a kid. That’s horrible. It really has me thinking about things now. When you wrote, “If SEX doesn’t feel good, if it’s not pleasurable, then NOBODY is going to want to have sex” it hit me that maybe that could be an issue in my marriage. My wife and I have been married for 6 years and we have two kids. I get that she’s tired a lot. I’m tired, too. But even before we had kids there was always something missing when it came to sex. I’m embarrassed to admit this but I don’t know if she’s ever had an orgasm or not. And I’m ashamed to say that I haven’t really bothered to care or ask. I feel like I need to do better so what do I do? I want sex to be great for her. She deserves it.

  • Madi7557
    Posted at 15:47h, 11 February Reply

    Hi Sonya. I can’t thank you enough for writing this series. I think it’s really going to help me. I got married 8 months ago and my aunt tried to tell me all that she knew about sex but what she told me is not what I have experienced. I wanted to ask you about making it feel better. Are there things that I can do for him? I’m not afraid of sex but I feel awkward and I don’t know what I’m doing. What about oral sex? Is it wrong? I’ve heard it both ways. What about sex toys? Do those really work? I love how you make me feel comfortable to even ask these questions. I know that you don’t know me but I feel like I know you. So if I want to try new things, do I just bring it up or do I let him suggest it? You’re right to say that it’s awkward to talk about it. I hate that part. I don’t want to have the kind of marriage that you’ve described. I want it to be amazing. So, tell me how to make that happen and I’ll do it.

  • Katie8late
    Posted at 15:55h, 11 February Reply

    This post was talking right to me. It’s not that I hate sex, but it doesn’t turn me on like it’s supposed to I think. There is no way that I could talk to my husband about positions and what feels good. I just can’t. I think I would die. I need you to pray for me that I would have the courage to just say it for once out loud to his face. I feel guilty because I have lied to him. I’ve let him believe that it’s good between us and I’ve faked an orgasm before. Your words about communication “But here’s the part that you girls DON’T WANT TO HEAR but you NEED to HEAR IT. If you are unwilling to open your mouth and tell them how you feel, what you want and what you enjoy, it is NOT their fault they don’t know. That’s on YOU” hurt me because I know that all of this that I’m feeling is on ME. I haven’t ever had the courage to tell him how I feel. I guess this is my crud, isn’t it? I pray that he can forgive me and that he’ll understand. Will you pray for me?

  • GinaLs05
    Posted at 21:37h, 11 February Reply

    I just wanted to thank you for writing this. I feel like you were talking about me and my marriage. I have lived with shame because I had an affair a few years ago. It was with a man in my church and when my husband found out he was devastated. I felt like my husband ignored me. Sexually he just didnt do it for me. I never felt like I could get into it. He wasn’t into it. And like you said, it never felt great. I felt rejected. We went to counseling and we ended up going to another church but we never could really reconnect after that. I have begged for his forgiveness and he says that he does but he won’t touch me like he means it. I want to have a true connection with him but I’m afraid I’ve ruined any chance of that. Even though we go to church, I sit there feeling like I’m “that” girl with the red A on my chest. No one has been mean but I still feel it. I feel hopeless. I thought since it was Valentine’s Day that I would surprise him with a romantic getaway but he announced to me that he was leaving to go on a trip without me. I’m so hurt. What do I do to get him to love me again? I feel like I’ve let God down. I’ve let my husband down.

  • adam12lv
    Posted at 21:41h, 11 February Reply

    I have been addicted to pornography for a long time. I lost my wife because I could not control myself. It’s not something that I’m proud of but I want to change. It’s taking over everything in my life. I have met a woman that I think I could love for the rest of my life but I hold back because I don’t want to hurt her. I want to know if you think that Jesus would forgive me? Do you think that I can change?

  • l54nh3
    Posted at 21:44h, 11 February Reply

    I love the tip about driving in the car. That actually sounds like it would work. You make me laugh. I love that you take a humorous approach to such a hard subject. No pun intended. What do you feel about masturbation?

  • n54kksee
    Posted at 22:12h, 11 February Reply

    What about if your husband screws you over and destroys your trust by looking at a bunch of naked teenagers? I don’t care if I ever have sex again and I will never get over this or trust another man ever again.

  • uma45top
    Posted at 22:29h, 11 February Reply

    People in church are like O no, she didnt. The rest of the christians are like what is she talking about? We don’t have to have sex. Everything is fine and boring and never talked about. I love this so much. You are my hero. Forcing people to talk about SEX. And you’ve probably just saved 100’s of marriages. Well done, Sonya. Well done.

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