Listen to this!
“Your story…is hard to hear. It hurts me. I don’t know how you make it through something like that. I knew, after hearing it, if there was anyone who’d understand, it would be you.
There’s something wrong with me. I feel like the biggest fake on the planet. I wanted the dream. A husband, who loves me and kids. I’ve wanted kids since I was little. Now that I have everything I’ve ever wanted, I’m more lonely than I thought I’d be.
I can’t handle being a mother. I get mad and feel like I could lose it and hurt my kids. Today, they were chasing each other through the kitchen and I told them to go play in the living room. About three seconds later, they came through the kitchen again and I lost it. I yelled and I grabbed them by the arms. It was too hard and I know it. They were scared of me. I burst into tears. It’s not the first time that this has happened.
I’m tired but there’s more to it. I feel trapped. I feel like all the other moms do it better. When I see all the posts about moms and their kids, it seems effortless and they “like” it. I hate it most days. I love my girls. My girls are wonderful and it’s not their fault that I feel like this. The truth is I don’t want to spend all my time with them. If I can find a way to drop them off or sign them up for activities, I’m doing it. Anything to get a break. They need me. I’m their mother but I can’t make that be enough. I know it’s wrong but I’m done. I feel guilty and I’ve thought about leaving. Many times. I have no idea where I’d go but even that sounds like heaven.
My husband is a great father and he tries his best to help me with the girls but I feel distant. I don’t feel close to him at all. I feel like there’s more out there for me. I feel angry a lot and I’ve started spending more time away from the house. I know something is wrong. The other day, I was shopping and a guy started talking to me and asked if I wanted to grab a cup of coffee. I didn’t do it but I wanted to. I didn’t even tell him I was married. I know it was wrong to do that but I can’t bring myself to care. I think about leaving every day. I wonder how much different my life would be if I could be on my own. My husband keeps trying to find out what’s going on and I have no answer for him. Not one that he’ll want to hear anyway. If something doesn’t change I’m going to lose everything. I don’t know what to do.
I grew up without a father. My mom left us when I was little. I don’t think it impacted me that much not having her around because I didn’t know any different. My dad had to work a lot, though. He didn’t hurt me ever but he was rough. He didn’t know how else to be around me. I didn’t really think too much about all of that until today.
I just watched your video from Mother’s Day. When you got to the part about “it’s okay to not always like being a mom,” I started to cry. I didn’t realize how much guilt that I’d been carrying around about this. Then I watched a couple more videos. You made me stop and think. I realized that I haven’t been honest with my husband about some things in my past.
You know how stupid teenagers can be? Yeah, I was one of those. I partied a lot and I tried some things that were dangerous. One party I woke up and had slept with more than one person at a time. The guys acted like it was no big deal and thought it was funny that I was dumb enough to let them all have me at once. The only reason they were hanging out with me was because I would do whatever they dared me to. I was trying to be popular. I was stupid and reckless.
The shame that I felt about this has stuck with me to this day. Because of my guilt, I was desperate for anyone to love me and when my husband and I met, he was very attentive and I needed that. I was his world. I felt like if he knew, he might not want me anymore. So I never told him anything. There’s been so much time since then, how am I supposed to tell him now? He’ll think I’ve lied the whole time. I don’t want to hurt him but I know that I haven’t dealt with…what is it you say…my crud. What if he takes the girls away?
I don’t know if I believe in god. How do you know for sure? If he is real, will he forgive me? I feel broken. Every time I try to pick myself up, I do something that slowly destroys the family I’ve always wanted. I’m embarrassed to say this but I’ve never prayed for anything.
What do I say? Do you have to do that “cross your hands over your heart” thing? I just want to know what I need to say so that god will hear me and help me. I can’t live like this anymore. I’m at the end of my rope. Can you help me?”
My answer is YES. YES, I CAN HELP. (Sorry for the screamy capitals) BUT YES I CAN
HELP. SO CAN YOU! How?
I know the ONE who is the ultimate helper and healer.
Being a mom is hard. I never understood how hard it was until I became a mom. I can relate to what she is feeling. I wanted my own family so much and then when I got one, it wasn’t what I thought it would be. I felt guilt many times because I didn’t always like the pressures or the responsibility of being in charge of two little human beings. I quickly learned that prayer and being in God’s word changed how my day went and what I was able to not just accomplish but to THRIVE as a Jesus follower, wife and mother. I’m a talker. Expressing my feelings helps me sort out how I’m thinking and what ways I need to change and move differently.
The truth was, I didn’t always like being a mom. But then I’d feel guilty because “GOOD” Christian moms LOVE their mom role and will do anything for their kids. I was like, if I have to listen to how ‘the lego monster demolished the sonic race car’ one more time, I would go insane.
Taking breaks that are edifying, encouraging and profitable for spiritual, emotional, and physical health ARE critical. I’m not talking about spending time on social media or grocery shopping. I’m saying pouring into God’s word, surrounding yourself with other people who will push you towards Jesus, and taking care of YOURSELF is mandatory in order for you to do YOUR best for Jesus as a wife and mom.
When I don’t do these things – EVERYTHING falls apart. I end up trying to live in my own strength and that’s NEVER good for anybody.
Hanging out with people that pull you away from Jesus = Poisonous. Be careful.
I hear from people like this every day. Sin is everywhere. Make no mistake. Satan WANTS us to FAIL. He is sweetly wooing EACH of us to do the very thing that will hurt Jesus and ourselves. He LOVES that. If he can get us to doubt who Jesus is and what He says…Satan knows that it’s much easier the next time and the next, and the next, for us to do whatever our flesh wants us to do.
We need true relationships in our lives. WE NEED EACH OTHER. That’s how God designed us. To have relationship with Him AND other people. We were never meant to do life ALONE. But because we’ve been hurt or betrayed, we’ve become a society that locks ourselves away, staring at a screen and firing off comments and photos of the life we want everyone else to think we have.
You won’t see many moms or dads posting, “I totally lost it with my kids and grabbed them or spanked them too hard” on social media today.
I LOVE social media. You are reading this today ON some form of social media. It can be used for wonderful things. It also can become an idol and take us away from authentic genuine relationships with human beings.
I think the greatest thing the Lord has given me a passion for in my friendships or other relationships is my desire to know and understand a person’s heart. I WANT to know how you’re doing with Jesus today. The good, the bad and the ugly. The truth. I really do.
Each one of us needs to do a check up from the neck up! So, because I love you – will you do a Check up from the Neck up WITH me?
How are you doing with Jesus?
How are you spending our time?
When you’re daydreaming, what is going through your mind?
Is there anything you’re doing in the dark that you’d never dream of doing in the light?
Is it okay with Jesus or not?
Are there people in your life that are poisonous? Why? What hold do they have on you?
What are your danger zones?
Are you flirting with choices that could tear your life apart?
Are you hiding sin?
Can you stop? Will you stop?
And finally say this with me…
”DEAL WITH YOUR CRUD OR YOUR CRUD WILL DEAL WITH YOU!”
When we refuse to deal with the crud we take it WITH us. Do you get that? If you are feeling hurt, angry, sad, fearful, bitter…you take THAT crud WITH you into your future. Then the next time something hard happens and you respond to it emotionally, the crud (because it’s still there) is what determines the outcome of that response.
To the men and women who are feeling like they want to leave…you have a choice. You can LEAVE and take the crud with you to the next relationship OR you can STAY and work through your crud and show your spouse and your kids that JESUS can do ANYTHING.
In a world that says “You have a right to be anything you want, do anything you want, live however you want, believe whatever you want,” would we have the courage to do the right thing?
I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life. Too many to count. Every time I chose to do my own thing, it hurt me, it hurt Jesus and it hurt others. A relationship with Jesus Christ has taught me to STAY. Why?
Because He showed me how.
He STAYS. Always. Even when He has a reason to walk away. He STAYS. He loves me. He doesn’t take His love away. He doesn’t like sin. But He doesn’t stop loving me because of that. What He does is, He gets my attention and shows me a different way to behave, think or respond.
I’m praying that all of us will STAY and do whatever it takes to honor our commitments. They are worth it. We are worth it. Jesus is worth it.