CONTROL – Letting Go of Something You Never Had.

CONTROL – Letting Go of Something You Never Had.

Robyn Brown is a gregarious, beautiful woman of God. She never meets a stranger and is passionate about Jesus. She’s been married to Dan Brown for 25 years and has two beautiful daughters, Abby and Lexi. She’s also an avid dog lover of her three “babies”. Robyn has worn many hats in the business world, and has committed her life to serving in multiple positions in ministry for over 20 years.

 

But Robyn had a deep-rooted obsession. She, like many of us believed a lie. A lie that enslaved Robyn to relentlessly pursue an unattainable illusion known as “CONTROL.”

 

Everyone has a story. Here’s Robyn’s story.

 

 

Robyn, how did your relationship with Jesus begin?

I grew up in the church. I was there every time the doors opened. Dad was a deacon. Grandfather was the old Southern Baptist singing preacher kind of guy. I always knew about Jesus but I didn’t really come to know Jesus personally until November 2, 1987. I was in college at Hannibal Lagrange University and I went with some friends one night to a revival service. The preacher was talking about forgiveness and that all of us have choices that we regret-sin. He told us that Jesus loves us just the way we are and we need to learn to forgive ourselves and love ourselves because He does. So that night when they gave the invitation, I went running down the aisle. My heart was pounding. I knew that I had to ask Jesus to be the Lord of my life and I’ve never been the same since that day.

 

As her journey with Jesus began, God opened up Robyn’s eyes to a whole different world.

 
 

I was on a ministry team called “Praise Song” and we got to do a lot of mission trips, singing for Disciple Now weekends and Inner-city ministry. We had gone to Minnesota to do ministry and it was the most awesome experience. These kids did not look like us. They had holes in their clothes. These kids had no homes. They were pretty much abandoned but they loved Jesus. And to hear their stories of how God loved them and how God had brought them from all different backgrounds, really just changed my heart and let me see that not everybody has a “Mayberry” life. I have a mom and dad,  a grandma and grandpa. I’ve got a million aunts and uncles, and cousins and I’ve lived a sheltered life. It opened my eyes to see that not everyone has that kind of life. And for the first time, I saw that I was blessed to have what I had, but these kids were just as blessed as I was. To see and hear their passion, I KNEW I wanted more. Right then and there I was like, “Lord I will live for You and I will live for You only and I will try to be joyous in how I do it and do it the best way I know how.”

 

It was that very experience that drew Robyn’s heart into ministry. Dan and Robyn knew that they wanted to help people and share with them that there is more than just what you see in this world. So much more. They felt like they had to share the truth.

 

What’s the hardest part about trusting? Jesus, spouse, anyone?

I’m a control freak! (Laughter erupts) I’m just going to go ahead and label myself because that’s the truth. And it’s so hard for me to let someone else make decisions for my life. I like to be in control. I like to be in charge. I like to know where point A & B are, where we’re going and how we’re going to get there. And when you’re on a journey with Jesus, you don’t have any of that. Not any of it. I have a saying that I want on my tombstone. “Life’s all about plan BCD on down the road. Because “A” never happens. “A” is my plan and it never happens. I have learned during my years and during this journey with Jesus, that he’s going to change it so get ready!

 

So how did you and Dan meet?

I was a freshman in college. It was the weekend I moved in. I had tried out for the cheerleading squad and I made it.

 

I can’t help it. I let out a moan, a groan and a few snickers.

 

You were a CHEERLEADER? Oh my word, I think I’m going to throw up.

(Giggling) Oh, I was a dancer. Is that better?

Oh that’s way better. Oh my word, Robyn. This is hysterical.

(More laughing and cracking up from the both of us.) I went to a campus social, and my girlfriend who was the captain said, “Hey, I want to introduce you to someone. He’s a really cool guy and I think you two would hit it off.” So I met him but the thing was, I knew Dan’s story. I didn’t really want to meet Dan.

Wait. Dan has a story? What’s Dan’s story?

He’s the typical rebellious Pastor’s kid that went his own road. Unfortunately, my mom’s family knew his whole story because they all went to church together. Dan was a wild child and I didn’t want to be labeled like that. It was a new day! I had just started college. I wanted to get my education and there really wasn’t room for a dude in my life. I didn’t need him to mess up my plan because I had plans. So I blew him off and moved on.

So then my other cheerleader friend (cheerleaders…there’s the problem) wanted to date Dan’s brother. And she said, “Dan needs a date.” She blackmailed me into going on this date. (I can’t stop laughing) So the only reason I went on this date was for her and then they didn’t even talk the whole night. But Dan and I sat and talked and acted like two crazy teenagers. It was over.

 

The love that Dan and Robyn have for each other is obvious when you meet them. They are a couple that is deeply committed to each other, great friends and push each other towards all things Jesus. As we continue, Robyn gives a humorous but honest view of the ebb and flow of marriage, intimacy and the decision that changed it all.

 

Tell me what your thoughts are about marriage?

You know when you’re first married, Sonya, we all think that it’s going to be pie in the sky. You get to keep the house, have children and of course, they just love and adore you and blah blah blah blah blah and everyone treats you like the queen. (laughing) And…it’s the farthest thing from the truth.

Dan and I look at marriage probably different than most people. We look at it as a partnership because there are times in your marriage where one of you requires so much more than the other. Everybody says that you should give 100% and your spouse should give 100%. But it doesn’t always work out that way. Dan and I have always had an agreement that we never go to bed mad at each other. We may not like each other but we cannot be mad. We have to talk it out before we put our heads on the pillow. If you don’t, it’s like cancer. It just eats away at your marriage. And there are times that we did not obey that rule and boy, it was not a good plan.

We also do a lot of talking. Whatever we do when we’re making decisions we always call each other and ask the other’s opinion before that decision is made. He is my best friend. I am his best friend. He knows that I’m his rock and he is my rock. At the end of the day, Jesus is the King and that is the one thing that holds us together.

The thing that we probably struggle with the most (deep sigh)…is sex.

 

Tell me about that.

I grew up in a household where you did not talk about it. Apparently, I had this notion that they had “it” one time and that’s when they had me. (Laughter erupts.) And that is the end of the story. We didn’t talk about it. Ever! And then when I got my period and everything else, I got enrolled in the “sex friggin’ education class”. We didn’t talk about that stuff in my house. (I’m laughing so hard at the way she’s saying this I think I’m going to spew snot.) I thought storks dropped you off on the doorstep. I’m telling you…we didn’t talk about it! The night before I got married my dad came to me and asked, “Do we need to have a conversation?” I said, “Um, I think I figured it out by now, dad. I’m almost 23 years old.”

I struggle the most with “that” because I’m just tired at the end of the day. You have pressures from work and you have pressures with your children. And my kids had their issues very differently from each other and it really kind of drains you. Dan and I just honestly have had to learn in the last year it’s time to date again. Without the kiddos (laughing) and then they get mad at us. “You didn’t take us.” “Well you weren’t invited. Dad and I just need some mom and dad time, without y’all, okay?” (Laughing) When our kids were little they’d come running into our room and jump into bed with us. And I was like, “What the heck is this? Get out! You’ve got your own bed.” You know? We’ve really had to redefine the lines because for so long, we made kids number one and left “us” on the back seat.

 

So as I’m listening to Robyn explain her reasons of why she struggled with sex, I am feeling an unrest within my spirit. I knew that what she was saying certainly contributed to a lack of mental, physical and emotional energy. But there was something more to this. 

 

So as far as sex, what was holding you back?

(Taking a deep breath)…I really didn’t feel pretty enough.

 

And FINALLY we get to the crud.

 

My whole life I’ve always felt like I’ve had to live up to someone’s standard. I don’t know who’s stinkin’ standards I thought I had to live up to, but apparently I thought I had to live up to somebody’s standards. Whether it was Cosmo or the church, or my girlfriends or my parents…I don’t know. I never really felt like I measured up. The reality is we all gain weight. We don’t look the same. (Unanimous groans from both of us.) You don’t look like you once did in your hot little teenage body and your hair falls out and things go south. You don’t feel gorgeous and beautiful. And Dan would tell me that, and I’m going ‘Ya, right.’ I look in the mirror, and I going ‘Ya, right’.

 

So, it’s not really about Dan, is it? It’s how you feel about yourself, right? Tell me about that.

(Long pause) I had an eating disorder. I had to battle that one. My whole life I’ve always been told “you’re just a big girl. You really need to watch what you eat and watch what you do.” And I just got tired of hearing that over and over so I thought ‘I’m going to fix it this way.’ It was hard. I really struggled.

 

How old were you when your eating disorder started?

I was probably 17 or 18. I was a little later than most because I finally got really fed up about hearing how big I was. I thought most girls were a size 5 and I was a size 11 or 13. I would love to be in an 11 or 13 now. I’m not even remotely close to that. So the real struggle is and continues to be…with yourself.

 

How did your feelings about yourself impact your marriage?

It really almost tore our marriage apart. I’m a fixer. I can’t handle flaws. But this was a hard thing for me to fix. I’m also a very independent person and I got to the point where I told myself, ‘I don’t need you. I can do this on my own. I can be a mom and I can work and I can provide for the family and I just don’t need you.’

Dan was gone a lot. Half of our marriage he was never around. So you get this independent thing and you tend to push them away which is not a good thing in a relationship. I didn’t want to rely on Dan. Then I got to where I expected him to fix the problems and to make it all better.

I realized he was never the problem. It was me. I was the problem. Dan was never the problem. I didn’t love me. And I honestly didn’t believe Jesus could love me the way that I looked. And then it kind of came out in emotional anger and hatred. And it also came out towards my children in some ways.

And I realized, “This bus needs to backup! Something’s wrong.  I can’t blame anybody else for this. This is me.” It was one of those things where I really had to ask God to change my attitude and help me to be okay. I still don’t like the way I look. But, I’m moving on. And now I’m menopausal. (Laughing)

 

Looking back, what is the biggest mistake you made?

The biggest mistake was not COMMUNICATING how I felt. You just hide it. It’s easier to hide it.

 

So Dan didn’t know how you felt about yourself?

He does now but he didn’t then.

 

So why did you hide it? You didn’t communicate it because you didn’t want to be vulnerable?

The thing is…you don’t want your husband to know that you don’t have your crap together. You don’t want ANYONE to know.

 

What did you think he would do if he knew you didn’t?

(long pause) I didn’t want to hear him say ‘I’m disappointed in you’. I grew up never wanting to hear those words…from my parents or from my spouse.  The words “I’m disappointed’ or ‘you could be so much more than you are but…” would have destroyed me.

And then I realized that I am punishing the one man who loves me the most on this earth. That’s not fair to him. So we had a heart-to-heart. And finally I just laid it all out there. I said to Dan, “I know you look at me and go ‘Her hair is falling out. She’s 60 pounds overweight and you know she has a hot temper when she gets angry.’ And why am I getting angry? Because I just don’t want you to know all my faults and all my flaws. I see my faults daily and I don’t like it. But just because I don’t like it doesn’t mean I have the right to take it out on you.”

 

We’ve all heard this verse, “You will know the truth and the truth shall set you free.” There were years of self loathing, fear of rejection and wrong thinking that had built up inside Robyn’s heart. Once Robyn opened her heart and dealt truthfully with her crud, sharing it with God and her most beloved-Dan, then Jesus began to change everything.

 

Dan’s exact words were, “I don’t care if you’re a 5 or a size 20…I just love you for you.” He’s always said it but this was the first time I actually heard it.

 

Why do you think you actually heard it this time?

I was ready! I was ready to say, “I’m done with this war that YOU created, Robyn.” I created it and it was eating me alive. And the only person, besides my family, that it was destroying, was me.

 

What has been the hardest struggle in your life?

I have always been a person who wants perfection. No matter if it’s in my work or my looks. I didn’t want any flaws. I wanted to perform well because that’s the way I grew up.

 

Why? Why did it matter to you? How did it make you feel if you had everything perfect?

I felt good, like I did a good job. I always wanted to hear the praises, ”O, good job, Robyn I’m so proud of you.” Disappointment was something I could not handle. I didn’t want to be rejected.

With my children, same thing. I wanted kids that people would say “you’re kids have it all together and they’re so sweet and they make good grades and they make such great choices and they have their lives together.” You want that Mayberry thing. But that’s NOT real. And that’s the thing I had a hard time with because I love my parents and they are godly people and yes, they’ve made some mistakes. But they never showed me the mistakes or their struggles. I never saw that with them. I never saw that and so I didn’t know how to deal with it when a struggle would come. That would eat at me on the inside. ‘O my gosh, I’ve failed and now I’m not going to live up to my parents expectations.’ Well, it really wasn’t their expectations. It was my expectation of me. But I labeled it that way.

So with my children, I wanted to see them make good choices and be the perfect little kiddos, doing all the right things, than everybody would adore them and me. And guess what? It didn’t happen.

 

Through a series of events, Robyn’s daughter began a relationship that was unhealthy and had dramatic ramifications on her life and those around her.

 

Abby was dating a young man who was not a Christian, who also had a lot of anger issues, and a messed up life at home. We kept telling her, “You need to date someone equally yoked” and then at the end, he was physical.  Abby went her own way and did her own thing and made some really poor choices. She still struggles at times with it now. There are days she has dealt with it and then there are other days it crops back up like an ugly cancer. But as painful as it is as a mother, it was her choice and that was hard for me to sit there because I just wanted to fix it.

 

Did you feel at any time that what she was doing was a reflection of you? That you had a part of this?

At times, yes. Like the weight thing. Yes. That was a reflection of what I struggle with. Those sins of the mom go down to the sins of the daughter. I would remind her that she was only “5’2 and look at your mother, you don’t want to end up like your mother.” And then I realized when she went to college ‘You’ve got to stop saying that. It’s her life. She’s not you. You’re not her. She’s going to have to figure things out on her own.’ I was always trying to fix it for her. When things would go wrong, I’d try to be the mother and comfort her and make it all better. The Lord was telling me ‘Let her fall.’

 

How does one who has fought so hard to achieve and maintain control, handle that?

It was horrible. I mean I just literally wanted to scream and yell, ‘You’re crazy! You’re crazy.’ But I also remember in my quiet time, the Lord gently reminding me, “Hey, Robyn. She’s mine. She’s on loan to you. I’m in charge.” And that’s when I finally said “You know what? She IS yours. Yes, you did loan her to me and I’ve raised her with the knowledge and the love of you and knowing you.” And I’m like “Lord, you go after her and fix her. I’m out. I’ll commit to pray.”

 

When this was all going on, how was that impacting the rest of the family? Were you all walking on eggshells? Were you biting each other’s heads off? Were you in denial?

 

We were walking on eggshells. You have Lexi, the little one, sitting there watching big sis make these poor choices. We were trying to protect her and she just wasn’t gonna have it. The harder we would try to save her, the harder she rebelled and pulled away. She was very much ‘in your face’ which was just rebellion and then you have the little one going “you’re an idiot” but also feeling helpless too, because she could hear her sister crying at night through the wall between their bedrooms.

Then you had Dan who was trying to hold everybody together and then there was me. I’m fighting for my kid. Because when you’re messing with my kid, mama bear is coming out. I had to realize that mama bear needs to let it go and let Jesus handle it. I was making a mess of it and it was tearing my family apart to the point where Dan and I were not speaking. He was like, “She’ll grow out of this one day and realize enough is enough. We just have to wait and pray.” And I was like ‘No, I’m not waiting and praying. I want my kid back.’ I was fighting and pushing forward, which I shouldn’t have been. And then you have little sis saying, “These are choices I don’t want in my life.” So she withdrew and stayed in her room.

You had four broken people living in the same house with four very different ideas. That was extremely hard. It came to a point where I just wanted to walk out the door and say, ‘I don’t feel appreciated and I don’t feel loved and I’m stinking done!’ Dan would defend Abby and Lexi would defend me. I mean it was a mess! And I’m going ‘Oh Lord, what have we done?’ In the middle of all of that, we couldn’t see what we had done. Everybody just dug in.

 

A miraculous intervention happened. Two friends showed up at the door.

 

One day, two friends appeared on my doorstep. Their words were, “Get your clothes on. We are going out, NOW.” I was like “okay”. I knew I didn’t have a choice. This precious insight was given to me that day, “Don’t make the same mistakes I’ve made, Robyn. I’m speaking from experience. You need to back off. She’s going to make some really bad choices and you just need to learn to love your child just the way they are. Screwed up and messed up. That’s just where they are right now.” And I thought to myself, ‘But that’s not acceptable.’ I still wanted the Mayberry life. You know what I mean?

 

I do get it. You didn’t want to give up the dream. You still wanted to “will it” to happen the way you wanted. You wanted CONTROL. Ya, I get it.

Then my friend said, “You need to duct tape your mouth…shut, Robyn. You are going to learn to duct tape your mouth shut, spiritually. ” And I thought at that moment, “Oh my God, she’s here to have an intervention with ME!” And she said, “If you want to save your relationship with your daughter, shut it and pray and just let the Lord deal with her.” And then she said, “And just realize it won’t be the choices you’ve made for her or that you want her to live. They’re her choices. It’s her journey.” And I couldn’t deny it – it made sense in my heart.

 

Robyn resolved to allow Jesus to break a yoke that had grown intolerable, and had choked the life out of her for way too long.  She chose to let go of the control that she NEVER had to begin with.

 

But oh my, Sonya, learning to love them when they don’t fit into what you want or what you expect, is hard. You do love them and you want them to live their life, but most of the time we want them to live it the way we want. You have to realize they have to live their lives the way they’re going to live it. It may not be the way you want it. This is her journey. I’m on my own journey. That was really hard for me and a horrible internal struggle that I fought. I finally just let go and said, “God I give up. I will pray. She’s yours. Now you can deal with her however you see fit. I’m letting go.”

 

 

Good Friday, 2014 – Dan and Robyn got the devastating news that Dan had Chronic Lymphocytes Leukemia and Small Lymphocytes Lymphoma. Chronic lymphocytic leukemia (CLL) is a type of cancer that starts from white blood cells (called lymphocytes) in the bone marrow. It then invades the blood. Leukemia cells tend to build up over time, and many people don’t have any symptoms for at least a few years. In time, it can also invade other parts of the body, including the lymph nodes, liver, and spleen. Dan is currently undergoing his second round of chemotherapy.

 

When Dan was diagnosed with leukemia, that one just took the wind out of my sails. We walked out of a movie and got the phone call. Dan was in tears and I was like “Okay Lord, you didn’t bring me down here to watch me just sink under so, where do we go from here?” That was hard. I have surprised myself because I really thought I’d be angry and bitter and I had the exact opposite reaction. And I took a beating for my reaction. A lot of people were angry with me because I wasn’t crying and I wasn’t, “oh my life’s gonna end if he leaves.” Ya okay, my life would end if he left – that’s how I feel inside sometimes, but I just keep thinking the Lord didn’t bring us this far to let us go and watch us go under. He didn’t!

 

The same God who saved Dan and Robyn, continues to meet their needs and hold them up as they walk TOGETHER through this new journey. They have not turned their back on God, but have amazingly poured themselves out on their family, each other and their community as they continue to share the love of Jesus Christ with everyone they meet, always giving God the glory for all things. Amazing.

 

What are you most afraid of?

Losing my family. I love them. I’m not afraid of being alone because I grew up as an only child so I was alone a lot of the time. But not having my family here with me is probably the scariest thing for me. Abby going 16 hours away to school in Missouri and I’m here and if something were to happen to her and you know the Leukemia thing…what happens if he doesn’t make it? And then I have to go just enjoy today for today. Robyn just gets in the way and I am my biggest enemy. I create my fears. I create a lot of things. It’s Jesus who gives the peace.

I’ve just had to learn to really let go of everything that Robin is, and just let Jesus be.

 

 

 Control. Such a powerful word.

To be the ‘boss’. In charge. Call the shots. From the beginning of time, man has tried to attain it. We’ve killed for it. We’ve hurt ourselves for it. We’ve even turned our back on heaven for it. And it is the single greatest LIE that we ALL choose to believe. It’s even got the word “con” in it. The lie is we never had it. Control belongs to God alone.  When we try to control our world and/or somebody else’s, we are saying that we know best. That WE are the boss worthy of calling the shots. So…how’s that working out for you? 

We are such creatures of the “KNOWN”. Getting out of your own “MAYBERRY” is life changing. If you do not step out of your comfort zone, in faith, and go ‘out in to the world’ you may miss out on the life and the growth that God has for you.

We all have expectations as we enter into marriage. It’s those expectations that can prove to be lethal if we do not “take every thought captive” and learn what God’s expectation is of marriage, our spouse, but most importantly, ourselves.  Most of us come from messed up, dysfunctional, conditional homes. So we bring that into our marriages. Over time the lines get so smashed up that you can’t tell who’s line is who’s. It’s NEVER too late to redefine the lines in your marriage…heck, go ahead and erase those lines. Jesus is all about “do overs”. 

When there’s very little happening sexually in a marriage relationship, there is ALWAYS something else going on. Something deeper. Always. In my years of talking with people about sex, poor body image is one of the most common issues I’ve heard from women – and men over the years. As a “big” girl, I can understand wanting to be thinner, prettier. But here’s the thing. I have listened to many women who are thin, physically fit and beautiful according to the world’s standards say things like, “I hate sex!” Or “I can’t stand to be touched.” Or “I hate the way I look.” God made sex for man AND woman. “The two shall become one..” PLEASE, DEAL with your crud. For the sake of your marriage, your husband, your kids, your self and the God that created you…HE HAS SO MUCH MORE if you will trust Him with your heart and get to the REAL issue. It’s NOT okay to hate. Right? So why do we secretly HATE ourselves or something about us? It’s not okay. The bible says that we are to love God and love our neighbor as ourself. We have said that verse a million times. Right? But HOW are we to love others like ourselves when we don’t LOVE OURSELVES? No wonder nobody loves others. We don’t even love ourselves. If you have something about your body that you don’t like (and don’t we all), ask Jesus to help you DO SOMETHING about that. Ask Jesus for the courage to deal with the truth. Do NOT punish the one GOD gave you because you refuse to DEAL with your crud. Sex is a gift. Use it.

We all MUST learn to deal with our crud. The nasty, gritty, uncomfortable, ‘I don’t want to look at that again’ crud that we believe will take us out completely if we have to deal and feel that again. But just look at Robyn. Once she admitted that she had crud and then began to deal with it truthfully, Jesus opened up her heart and broke down walls so that true healing and freedom could begin.

Nothing can change until we admit it, confess it and then DEAL with it!

 

UPDATE: Dan and Robyn got the news on March 19, 2015 that Dan is in FULL REMISSION! Praise the Lord who does more then we could ever think or imagine! Through this entire journey, Dan and Robyn have maintained TOTAL FAITH in Jesus WHATEVER the outcome, sharing their stories with those that the Lord placed in their path so that others would know who Jesus Christ is and what He has done in their lives. Many of you have expressed concerns and have been faithful to pray. Thank you! All glory and honor be to our Lord Jesus Christ. AMEN.

48 Comments
  • Sandy
    Posted at 14:28h, 03 November Reply

    AMEN! And AMEN! I too, struggle with having to have control in all things. There a couple things that jumped out at me as I read this. First when Robyn said, “you don’t want anyone to know that you don’t have your crap together…” That just hit me. I have been doing that for years. Then second the part where she said, “the real struggle is with yourself.” I was in silence for a long time after reading that line. Robyn, thank you for sharing your heart and struggle so beautifully. And also, praise the Lord for what you are doing, Sonya.

  • Tricia
    Posted at 14:32h, 03 November Reply

    I have issues with how I look. Always have. I’ll do anything to be someone other then who I am. I have a lot of abuse in my past and I never feel good enough. This post truly blessed me. Thank you for sharing your struggles. I am also grateful that you have a husband that loves you no matter what. That is a gift. I want to be free of this addiction. How did you let it go?

    • hisgirl
      Posted at 03:41h, 05 November Reply

      Tricia, thank you for sharing. I am sorry that you have been hurt. I don’t think there is any way to let it go until you deal with the crud. That’s just it. No one wants to deal with the crud because it hurts. It’s messy and it forces us to come to a place where we forgive and let go of it.

      My question to you is what’s so bad about being you?

      If you truly want to be free, deal until you heal. There is NO other way. All you are doing is painting over the old mold. It will start to leak through. Seek professional help if you need to deal with abuse issues. I’ve included some resources for you in an email, so watch for that. It’s hard work but I think you’re worth it. And so does Jesus.

    • Robyn Brown
      Posted at 01:01h, 21 March Reply

      Tricia, you have to look at yourself in the mirror and realize that you are wonderfully made by God. Even though you see brokenness, he sees beauty. When I say lay it down, cry out to God and lay it all out there. When your done with that tell yourself I was put here for a reason. God always has a plan for you! Ask God to help you to heal and start cleaning out your body closet. He will show you and you will find what you thought was so bad isn’t quite as bad as you thought. Do not dwell on what’s wrong, dwell on what’s good. It a process and it may take some time but I promise you this, he will start healing you from the inside out.

  • Mark
    Posted at 14:45h, 03 November Reply

    Thank you for your honesty. My sister is the one who told me about this website. I have been struggling with my weight for years. I was in great shape in my 20’s but had a car accident and was addicted to my pain medication. When I stopped the pain pills, my weight skyrocketed. My wife left me and took our two kids, stating that I was “not the man she married” and that, “she was repulsed by me”. Ever since then, I have not been able to lose weight or get past the feeling that I will never be enough. I keep everything in my life under control. Everything. I am committed to control every aspect of my life. In my business, I have reached every goal I have set for myself. It brings peace to my life. Except that. It’s like I’m hurting myself for not being attractive. I realized that I have not “dealt with my crud” after my ex walked out on me. I’m still very devastated and angry. I have not been taking pills, but I am lonely. And so I find that porn is easy to access and so I do. It brings me comfort. I used to go to church with my family but stopped long ago. My sister tries to set me up with women and I can’t stand the thought of getting intimate with anyone. Yet, I can watch porn for hours. I never thought that I would be “that guy”. I want to “let it go”. Will you pray for me?

    • hisgirl
      Posted at 14:46h, 04 November Reply

      Thank YOU, for your honesty, Mark. I am so sorry for your pain. I am blessed that you shared your heart so openly. One thing is clear, you absolutely need to deal with your crud. You have many issues that have been stamped into your heart and mind. I understand hurt and pain. I understand loneliness. I can also understand that need to control everything around you. It makes sense. But it can’t stay that way. Control is a lie. We don’t have control. That belongs to God. However, we do have a choice. The only thing that has changed my life is a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Do you know Jesus?

      Mark, I am going to suggest that you talk to a counselor, who is experienced in addiction. I will include resources for you because I believe that you have a responsibility to yourself, your children and any future relationships to be “healed in truth” in all areas of your life. Only then will you be able to “let it go.”

      My last thoughts to you that I feel the Holy Spirit put on my heart is this – Jesus loves you. He has a plan for your life. This is NOT all there is. I know it can feel like that, but it’s NOT true. The bible says that we are to love God and love others. Now, I know that we are NOT God. So that means that we fall into the “others” category. We must learn to love ourselves in order to freely love others, always dealing with our crud in a real and truthful way. I know that you’ve been deeply hurt and I pray that you will find the only true freedom that comes from a relationship with Jesus Christ.

      Praying for you.

  • Megan
    Posted at 14:48h, 03 November Reply

    I have been in a “sex-less” marriage for 4 years. I don’t know how to like it. When I look in the mirror all I see is FAT. Forgive me for being rude but what the hell can your religion do about that?

  • Courtney
    Posted at 14:57h, 03 November Reply

    I struggle with body image. I have struggled on and off with an eating disorder for 7 years. I have family that is supportive but they don’t understand how I feel. They try to say the right things but I feel more alone every day. This blog really spoke to my heart. I have issues that I have not told anyone. I was raped at a party that I chose to go to, even though I knew that there would be trouble. There was a guy there that paid attention to me and that never happened to me before. I was caught up in his attention and I didn’t care who or what he was. In that moment I felt WANTED. I had never felt that way in my life. We went into a bedroom at this house and he locked the door and he raped me. I was drinking but I remember everything that happened. A few years later I met a man that truly loved me. And I hurt him by shutting down. So that part where she said, “I am punishing the one man who loves me the most on this earth” made me cry. I know that I am guilty of this very thing. I want to let it go. But I don’t want to go there. I guess what I am saying is I can’t bare to “deal” with my crud. I know I have to if I will ever get free. Can you help me?

  • Lydell
    Posted at 15:01h, 03 November Reply

    Is it wise to be discussing sex like it’s no big deal? I appreciate what you are trying to do with your past, Sonya. But is it wise to drag it all up after God has freed you from that sin? Sex should be private between married couples.

    Sometimes it’s best to just move on and be done with it. I pray that you can do that.

    • hisgirl
      Posted at 04:28h, 05 November Reply

      Lydell, I believe sex is a REALLY BIG DEAL.

      I don’t think of myself as a wise person but I do try to do what the Lord tells me to do. I have been sharing my story since I got saved. I have a pastor friend that said, “Sonya, your ministry started the day you opened your mouth for Jesus.” I believe that is true. All I can tell you is that I have listened to 100’s of people who have been hurt, abused, raped, mistreated, betrayed and have horrible unbiblical views about sex. Sex is private between married couples. But what happens when married couples need help regarding sex? Communication is critical but as I’m sure you are aware, many people NEVER talk about it. Privately, couples are miserable and hurting because there is no sex and no communication. Believe me when I say I do NOT go looking for people to talk about sex. God brings them to me. Most of the time it’s BECAUSE of my past that God allows the walls to come down and people feel like they can trust me and be real and share their stories with me. God does that. Not me.
      I agree that it is good to move on. But how can anyone move on unless they deal with their issues truthfully first? A holy God demands our best. Right? How can we do our best in our marriages if we have secrets, anything that holds us back from being ALL that God wants us to be? A holy God won’t settle. A holy God demands truth. He created sex for man and woman. It is a beautiful wonderful gift from God for married couples. So anything less then a healthy loving sexual existence between a married couple is UNACCEPTABLE. And because of this treasured gift, we must pursue the truth of why we avoiding sex. Anything else is a lie. You can’t believe the parts of the bible that you pick and choose. It’s either all true or all false. The bible says, “the two shall become one.” My heart is to listen, share my story and give people an opportunity to respond to Jesus Christ.
      One final thought. When you wrote, “is it wise to drag it all up after God has freed you from THAT sin?” What sin are you referring to? He surely has freed me from all of my sin. But the sex that I was forced to have with an adult man as a 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 year old???? That was NOT my sin. I have plenty of sins in my life. That was not one of them. As far as praying for me, well I can always use that. Always.

  • Curt
    Posted at 15:14h, 03 November Reply

    Thank you for your honesty. It was a blessing to see how God can take something painful and allow us to remain steadfast and true to His calling on our lives.

    I have been married for 5 years to a wonderful gal whom I love with my whole heart. This is my second marriage and her second marriage. She struggles with intimacy. When you shared how ‘when nothing is happening sexually, there is always something going on,’ I knew that this was US. I feel like I am a loving husband who truly accepts her for who she is. Flaws and all. But when I try to touch her she tenses up like I’m a predator. She has the heart of gold but can’t see herself sexual at all. When I try to bring it up outside of the bedroom, she shuts down and that is the end of the communication. What would you suggest I do to help her ‘deal with her crud’, as you say?

    • hisgirl
      Posted at 03:59h, 05 November Reply

      Thank you for sharing, Curt. I think it is sweet that you would inquire about your precious girl. I love that. Let me say that it’s very possible that YOU can’t help her DEAL at all. What I mean is that is sounds like she had her crud before you all got married and it has just emerged in a new situation. I suspect that there is something deeper, a past hurt, rape or abuse in her life. First I would say to love her where she is at. Tell her. Show her and keep doing that. Your persistence will communicate to her on so many levels. I suggest that you encourage her to go talk to someone and make that a positive, “it’s okay to get help” atmosphere in your home. In other words, you don’t think “less” of her is she reaches out to get help, especially if it’s not from you. 🙂

      We all have flaws. I would also recommend that you talk to someone as well. A pastor, a counselor…someone who is trained to give you good biblical counsel. Most men are “fixers” and I’m sure that even in your love and concern for her, you have probably felt rejected and hurt by her lack of desire. It’s okay.

      I am thankful for your faith and courage to share. God is in the business of rescue and restoration.

  • Stephanie
    Posted at 15:19h, 03 November Reply

    Thank you, Robyn for sharing.

    I have been married for 11 years. I love my husband. I hate sex. I like affection (holding hands, back rubs, etc.) but having sex is not on my top 10 list of things to do. I am a type A personality and I like everything how I like it. So I related a lot to Robyn’s issues with control. What I can’t seem to understand is how to get past the nausea I feel when I know that sex is the thing he wants and I want to please him but I feel dead inside when that is happening. How did you become okay with it?

    I think what you are doing is a miracle, Sonya. I am in awe of your bravery and strength.

  • Chris
    Posted at 15:22h, 03 November Reply

    “The sins of the mother go down to the sins of the daughter.” That just made me sick to my stomach. I have a daughter who is dating someone who hurts her as well. I have done everything that I know to do and still she chooses to be with this guy. I know that he hurts her and then we have to deal with the aftermath of this mess. I try to be supportive but I get angry because she keeps making the same mistakes over and over again. How do I support her but not enable her to stay in that?

    Great blog, Sonya. This is so necessary.

  • Kelly
    Posted at 15:24h, 03 November Reply

    I have an issue with body image. I always feel ugly. No matter what I weigh, I feel ugly. My husband says that he loves me unconditionally and I still can’t accept it. I am afraid that I am going to lose him. I have CRUD to deal with. How do you get the courage to do that? I think it will be too painful.

    • hisgirl
      Posted at 15:02h, 04 November Reply

      Thanks for sharing Kelly. I want to know why your crud is so valuable to you? Let me explain what I mean by that. You obviously would rather hold on to your crud then deal with it and move on. Why? What does it give you? We do that which we want and that which we don’t want to do, we don’t. So when people hold on to their crud, it give us SOMETHING. Control, maybe?

      I think of holding on to our crud like going to the Doctor to get a shot. I hate those things. My stomach gets upset. I see it. I think about it. I literally feel a panic attack at the thought of that needle sticking in to my arm. But once the shot is in, it pinches a tiny bit but the pain is nothing that I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE. And that’s how it is with dealing with our crud. Pain is pain. It hurts. But is that hurt worse holding on to it or looking at it and then getting rid of it?

      Jesus Christ has changed my life. Do you know Jesus? That’s really the question. Fear is NOT from God. The bible says “For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.”- 2 Timothy 1:7 That relationship gave me total access to God and I forever have freedom from fear through Christ.

      I can hear through your words that you love your husband. I believe courage is doing the very thing that makes us afraid. Let me encourage you to not be afraid to do the hard work. It WILL be worth it.

  • Jeannie
    Posted at 15:27h, 03 November Reply

    I am Robyn. I can relate to almost everything she said.

    I am afraid of rejection. I control everything in my universe in order to feel safe. I will not let anyone hurt me again. How do I let go of this? I feel like I am not alive. Like I am living a make-believe life. I have something inside of me that locks people away from me. My father was a hard man. But I think it made me who I am today. How do you open your heart when you are too afraid to do that?

  • Zac
    Posted at 15:39h, 03 November Reply

    I am married to a control freak. I relate to the husband in this article. I have done everything to show my wife how much I love her and how much she means to me. It’s never enough. I don’t want to sound like a pig, but a guy has needs. You know what I mean? It is hard to be rejected over and over again by the woman that is supposed to love me. I am not the best looking man but I’m not a dog either. I can feel myself pulling away from her; from us. I don’t want to hurt her ever but it’s getting to the point where I feel attracted to other people. You were right when you said, “When there’s very little happening sexually in a marriage relationship, there is ALWAYS something else going on. Something deeper. Always.” Something isn’t right. I know it.

    I feel frustrated. I feel hurt. I am angry and I feel completely hopeless. There’s been times where I have tried to initiate sex in a way that is slow and comfortable for her. I try to make it good for her. And as she pushes me away, I have felt such rage and I’ve had to walk away from her completely because sometimes I worry that I will force her to do it no matter how she feels. That is NOT me.

    What am I doing wrong?

  • Liv
    Posted at 15:50h, 03 November Reply

    I am 16 years old and I struggle with an eating disorder. I hate the way I look. I am hurting myself to feel better. I know that it’s out of control. But I do it for control. Sex is one way that makes me feel in control. I have sex with guys to feel connected to someone. But I control everything about it. It’s almost like a game. Then I hurt myself to rid myself of the guilt. I am in counseling but I still struggle.

    When I was 8, my uncle sexually abused me. He would take pictures of me and I thought it was cool. Until he raped me. I didn’t tell anyone until my mom found out because I got sick. She figured it out. I have tried everything to stop hurting. But it never goes away. Do you think if I go to church that will help? I feel like I am going to disappear.

    • hisgirl
      Posted at 04:48h, 05 November Reply

      Oh Liv, I am so sorry that you have been hurt. I understand how bad it hurts. I am so glad to hear that you are seeking help by going to counseling. What has happened to you is a crime. It’s a betrayal that will hurt for a long time. But can I tell you, IT DOES NOT HAVE TO DEFINE YOU. I too, was raped and hurt beyond words. A relationship with Jesus Christ changed my life. I’d like to talk to you about Him. He’s my best friend, my father and my Lord. Did He take away my memories? No. I still remember everything that happened to me. But I do not live in fear. I believe He might have allowed me to go through what happened so that I could talk to you now. He never wanted me to be hurt. He never wanted you to be hurt, Liv. But there is sin in this world. We all have choices. We are going to go our own way or go God’s way. Jesus died for you and me so that we could be free to live no matter what has happened to us in this life. It’s not an easy road. It still hurts at times. I have worked really hard on my crud. It was the only way to get free of it’s hold on my life. Don’t allow what happened to you to keep you from living the life that Jesus has planned for you to live. You are worth everything to Him. There is nothing that He can’t forgive, heal, restore or redeem. CHOOSE TO FIGHT FOR YOURSELF. Stop hurting yourself. Stop anything that is unhealthy. I know it hurts and that you probably want to do anything to keep you from feeling that pain. I get it. Believe me. I get it. Jesus gets it. A relationship with Jesus Christ will change everything. As you continue to do the hard work through counseling, read God’s word and let it change all the wrong thinking into His heart and way of thinking…YOU WILL GET STRONGER.

      I have included some information in a private email to you. You are a brave girl WORTH fighting for. You ARE worthy, Liv. Jesus proved it when He gave His life for you. CHOOSE to fight for you. You are worth it.

  • Baily
    Posted at 15:53h, 03 November Reply

    I am addicted to CONTROl. I relate to Robyn. I didn’t have a “mayberry” life, but I do everything to control what happens in my life. I struggle with relationships because of this. I want the “Mayberry” life for once. I want a husband who will love me and kids that will love me. I never feel loved. My parents are really quiet people. They didn’t hurt me but they didn’t love me. They ignored me. Now that I’m an adult, I want to change but I don’t know how. What can I do?

  • Tracy
    Posted at 15:56h, 03 November Reply

    I thank you for this blog. It truly inspired me to look at my life. I have hurt my husband by trying to control everything in our lives. He is not perfect but he is a good man. I always keep at an arm’s length. I realize after reading this that even THAT is a form of control. I have been challended to deal with my crud.

    Thank you for that. I am excited about what you trying to do, Sonya. Please don’t stop. It is really opening people up to the truth and how to get free by dealing with our crud.

  • Grace
    Posted at 16:13h, 03 November Reply

    I am blown away by this post. The honesty in this post was refreshing. I have struggled with body image my whole life. I have been overweight and thin. And you are right. When we don’t deal with our issues, we do take that into our marriages. How do you begin to love yourself? That is really deep. I read that and I just felt deep sadness because I know that I don’t love myself. I teach sunday school, I lead bible studies, I am active in my church and I have this self hatred that has paralyzed my life. My husband does pull away from me because I think he just feels “fed up” with my lack of sexual desire. I never thought about sex being for BOTH man and woman. That really got to me. I don’t have abuse in my background but I have never felt good enough. So my question is, how do we deal with our crud? I mean what is the first step?

  • Jennifer
    Posted at 19:31h, 03 November Reply

    I am in a marriage where we rarely have sex. Ever. I read this post and thought, “oh my, that is me.” I overcompensate in most areas of my life. If I can’t be perfect, (or appear to be) I fall apart. I realize that I have destroyed my marriage. My husband has gotten to the point where he won’t touch me now because I’ve pushed him away. I have been a “good christian girl” my whole life. I read the bible, I went to bible studies and I served faithfully in my church for years. Sonya, I never realized that I was living a lie until I read this. Maybe I did realize it but I refused to accept it. I am ashamed that I have not been truthful with my husband. I am ashamed and full of guilt because I have made my children crazy copycats of this ‘I’ve got to be in control of all things’ and that is so far from what the bible says. I could tell you all the reasons why I don’t feel attractive or sexual. But it’s just excuses to not be intimate. When Robyn said, ‘you don’t want your husband to know that you don’t have your crap together’ I cried. I have lied to him and to myself for our whole marriage. I will break every relationship that figures out that I am not who I portray to be. I am a liar.

    I don’t know how to turn it around. What do I do?

  • John
    Posted at 19:32h, 03 November Reply

    I am married to a “Robyn”. She is beautiful, funny and kind. How do I get her to understand how much I love her?

  • Cindy
    Posted at 19:34h, 03 November Reply

    Bless you for what you are doing. This post ministered to my heart. I watch you from afar and believe that God has His hands all over you, Sonya. You inspire me to “get real and deal with my own crud.” I related to what this lady said. I pray that I have the courage to deal with it. God bless you, Sonya.

  • Darren
    Posted at 19:38h, 03 November Reply

    I was sent this link from a friend. I am in a marriage that has been destroyed by control. This really hit me as I read what she shared. I am addicted to control. I will do anything to get it, have it and keep it. I don’t really know where it comes from but it brings me comfort to have it. I realize that this is a lie. I never had it to begin with. I would love to blame my marriage situation on her. But it’s not her. It’s me. I relate to what this lady said about that. I have hurt my wife deeply. I had an affair because I felt unwanted by her. I would try to find out what was wrong and she wouldn’t tell me. I thought that she was rejecting me personally. Now after reading this, I think maybe it was issues she had from her past, which made her shut down or be afraid. I don’t know if she can ever forgive me. Sometimes you can’t get past the hurt. So what do you do then?

  • Casey
    Posted at 19:46h, 03 November Reply

    I am dating a guy that my parents hate. He only hit me twice but he stopped doing that. But he swears at me when he gets mad. I don’t want to break up with him. I love him. He needs me and I want to be with him. My parents will not give him a break. He’s not a bad person. They claim to love Jesus but they treat me and him like crap. I want to know what is their problem. I think they want to control me. I am not a child and I want them to see that we are in love. What do I do? People can change, right?

    • hisgirl
      Posted at 15:17h, 04 November Reply

      Casey, thank you for sharing. I am really going to make you mad.

      If a man can hit a woman because he’s angry, that comes from a place that is deep within. Something deep and dark has to happen inside a person for them to lose control over any kind of emotion by using violence towards the person they claim to love. He needs help and this is your wake-up call to walk away. You are not married and you need to walk away.

      The bigger question for me to you is why are you okay with a boy who would hit you EVER?

      People CAN change. God can do anything. This young man has crud. HE must deal with his own crud. That is going to take a lot of work. He has to do this on his own. It has NOTHING to do with you. If he walked up to a woman and got mad at her on street and hit her, he would go to jail. Is it any different because he is in a relationship with you? The answer is NO.

      God may use you in this guys life to get ‘his’ wake up call.

      I will never be with any human that hits me. EVER. I’ve lived that. And I proved that when I walked away from the only person that claimed to love me – my mother.

      Sounds like you have some crud of your own to deal with. God has a plan for your life. Seek Him in all things and ask God to show you compassion and love for your parents. He will do it.

  • Michelle
    Posted at 19:47h, 03 November Reply

    Thank you for writing this blog. I too, suffer from the need to control. This is going to help many people. God bless you.

  • Bethany
    Posted at 19:53h, 03 November Reply

    I struggle with the way I look. I gained a lot of weight in the last year and I don’t feel sexy. My husband isn’t mean about it but I can tell it bothers him. I want to please him. But I feel anger most of the time. It seems like the only time he ever pays any attention to me is when he wants sex. And then I just can’t stand him. I feel so angry about that like I’m being used. It’s like I am a piece of meat. I know that God made sex but why is it so uncomfortable? What is my problem? Why can’t he just be satisfied with sex once in a while. Why are men so stuck on that? When you wrote that sex is for both of us, I got upset. I can’t stand to be guilted into anything about sex. So tell me! How do I make myself enjoy sex?

    I don’t want to lose my husband.

  • Heidi
    Posted at 20:06h, 03 November Reply

    Reading this blog was life changing. Reading the comments is even more life changing. I too, have lied to my self and my husband about how I feel about myself – specifically my body. I have tried to be perfect in every way and after the birth of my son, I gained weight and just never got it back off. I feel ugly. I feel like my husband feels sorry for me and is only staying in the marriage because of that. I have even contemplated creating an eating disorder to try to change this situation. How stupid is that? We have spent more nights NOT having sex then actually having sex. I know that I have issues that I must deal with. Thank you for writing this for ME. I feel like I’m not alone. Would you pray for me and what should I do next?

  • Meghan
    Posted at 20:09h, 03 November Reply

    I hate myself. I never realized this before. I try to control everything. The way I look. The way I talk. My job performance and how others see me. How can we follow Jesus and hate ourselves? How can we love others and not love who God made us to be? Powerful words, Sonya. I am praying that this journey that God has you on will bless you and those that share in it. Thank you for having the guts to share the truth and not shy away from edgy topics that the church is uncomfortable discussing.

  • Gloria
    Posted at 20:12h, 03 November Reply

    I grew up in Mayberry. I could relate to what Robyn shared. I never felt loved or accepted for who I was. This caused me to have deep emotional scars. After reading this post, I realized that I was living a lie. I never loved myself. I maintain control or what I think is control and I’ve never been more out of control in my whole life. Sonya, the lies we tell ourselves are the most hurtful. Thank you for doing what you are doing and I pray that you will be given strength and peace to carry on this important journey. Also, please tell Robyn that I am praying for her whole entire family. Will you keep us informed of her husband’s illness?

  • Janelle
    Posted at 20:14h, 03 November Reply

    I hate how I look. As I read this, I felt shame. I have hurt the one I love deeply, too. How do we deal with our crud and how do we let go?

  • Pam
    Posted at 20:36h, 03 November Reply

    Thank you for your honesty. I too, struggle with control. I was raised in a home where you couldn’t fail. It wasn’t an option. So that just became my way of life. In 2009 I hit rock bottom. I discovered that my husband was having an affair. I didn’t cry. I just got mad. I didn’t tell him that I knew he was having the affair. I set out to emotionally destroy him like he had done to me. All my ideas of being in control took this game to a new level of sickness as I would toy with him all the while knowing what he was doing. Even when he started feeling guilty and quit the affair, I kept on hurting him. I stayed withdrawn and even when he would try to do the right things, I rejected him. I felt in complete control. Until one day he came to me and admitted the whole thing. He was genuinely broken and said that he knew it was too late. I decided right there that I had to forgive him or it would tear me apart. BUT…

    It is really really hard to let it go. I feel like I wasn’t good enough to be his one and only before so why am I good enough now? How do I stop being hurt and angry? How do I give up the control that I obvisouly never had? I am just as guilty of hurting him the way he hurt me and it hasn’t changed anything about how I feel. It didn’t help me. It didn’t make it better. This blog was very thought provoking as are the others on this site. Can you tell me about a relationship with Jesus? What is that about?

    • hisgirl
      Posted at 17:48h, 04 November Reply

      Pam, I am sorry for your pain. An affair is a betrayal like no other. The thing that jumped out to me was once he came to you in complete authentic brokenness and you saw that he truly was broken over what he had done, I don’t know if you caught this or not but THAT moved you. Seeing him broken DID move you. That says to me that you DO love him deeply. That made me smile. Because what that means is your heart has not completely blocked out your love for him. AND…he totally loves you. He stayed when he knew he had NO chance to win you back. He could’ve walked away, using the excuse “well she won’t forgive me” but that didn’t matter. He stayed. Again, more smiling from me. I’m all about the underdog.

      Your last paragraph was so brilliant and truthful. I am giddy at what God is already doing in you. Let me explain. Before I knew Jesus, He was working things out in my life, drawing me to Himself. I was in a horribly abusive home with a mother that was trying to kill me. She had a relationship with a man who sexually tortured me for years and when she found out, she blamed me for it. She kept me locked in my room for months at a time. I was not allowed to leave for any reason or I would be beat. I would sneak out when she’d leave for work to grab food. She would take pieces of the telephone so that I couldn’t call for help. The neighbors had called the police when they would hear her beating me through the apartment walls. So we had the authorities come to the apartment and question us. But because I was afraid she would kill me (I was certain that she would) I said nothing.

      One night after she had beaten me pretty badly, I felt a desperation that this was it. I knew that I couldn’t take much more. I prayed, “God if you ARE real, would you help me?” The next day, she went to work and forgot to take a piece of the phone. I snuck out of my room and called for help. That was the day that changed EVERYTHING. Before I knew who Jesus was, He was making a way to rescue me. Did He want those horrible things to happen to me? NO. What happened to me was sin. The bible says that all of us sin. Sin is anything that goes against God and His word. So when we come into this world, we are separated from God. God knew that we could never be good enough on our own so He sent His Son Jesus to pay for our sin on a cross. And Jesus went willing (even though He had never sinned – ever) to a cross that He did not deserve for a people that He knew might betray Him – all for LOVE. He paid my debt that I owed and made a way for me to be saved from my sin. He died for me. For you. And then to show His power, after 3 days He rose again. He is alive now! And….it gets even better. The bible says, “If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you WILL be saved. The bible is truth. Jesus offers us a real relationship with Him every day, every moment – forever. The bible says that He is coming back one day and we will be with Him in heaven for eternity.

      I bet you’re thinking, sounds too good to be true. But this is the gospel. We get something we never deserved and could never earn, from a God that says I love you and I will make a way for you.

      So what do you do? Well Pam, I bet this doesn’t shock you but…you’re in a mess, girl! You need to deal with some crud. But first, you need to make a decision. Are you going to do it your way or are you going to do it His way? If you have never placed your faith in Jesus Christ, that IS the most important thing anyone can do. So what does that mean?

      Do you pray? Prayer is just talking to Jesus. So I prayed to Jesus and said these things to Him and asked Him to come into my life and be my Lord. Here’s what I did. 1. I admitted that I was a sinner. My sin separated me from God. 2. I believed that Jesus was God’s Son and He died on the cross for my sin. 3. I confessed that Jesus Christ is and will always be my Lord, my King, my boss forever. 4. I turned away from my sin and placed my hope, faith and trust in Jesus.

      The bible says that I am forgiven, I am saved and I am His forever. Nothing can take me away from Him. Not even ME. Let me explain, as you walk this life with Jesus, you are going to be tempted by satan to do what you want to do and be your own boss. You will want to call the shots. All of us struggle with that. As you read God’s word (the bible) and learn who He is and talk to Him (pray) every day, you will begin to understand that doing it His way is always best. And it’s when we get in there and try to do it our way, that the “crud” happens.

      If you would like to ask Jesus into your heart, just do what I did. It is as simple as that. Salvation has NOTHING to do with us. It’s all about Jesus. It’s the greatest thing that’s EVER happened to me.

      Then, let me encourage you to share this with your husband. Next, I encourage you to get into counseling for you and for him. I would also say that you need to plug into a local bible believing, teaching, preaching church that will pray for you and encourage you both. Churches are filled with people that need Jesus, are trying to live for Jesus and have their own “crud”. JUST LIKE YOU! Nobody is better or worse then YOU.

      It’s no coincidence that you saw this post, that you reached out to share and that I got the privilege to introduce you to my best friend, Jesus Christ. He loves us.

      Finally, as you “deal” with your crud, it’s gonna be a ton of work. I’m not going to sugar coat it. There will be many things that will hurt. There will be things that you will learn that you didn’t see before or understand. Don’t be afraid of the hard work. You are NOT alone. If you placed your faith in Jesus, He will never leave you. There is NOTHING that can make Him stop loving you. Nothing. He loves you and your husband. He can do anything. Trust Him.

      I attached some resources for you. Please keep in touch. You have my email!

      Praying for you. I’m excited to hear all that God is going to do.

  • Mike and Janet
    Posted at 20:46h, 03 November Reply

    Really really good post. We relate to it all. This is just a blessing to so many. Openly sharing the hurts of this life and then reading how God changed it is so powerful. We are certain that you must face resistance from time to time sharing the things you share ;)- but we believe in you and what God has you doing. You were such a blessing at our church when you came and shared your voice (sing it girl, you hurt me right in my heart) and your story of hope. Praying as you continue to share the truth in an unconventional way, Sonya. Praying for the Brown’s as they walk through this struggle. Is there another album in your future? Please please and please.

  • Mary
    Posted at 20:50h, 03 November Reply

    I am married to a pastor and I have lived with the lie of having control. I grew up in a time where talking about yourself and openly being sexual was “dirty”. What I have found is that by not communicating how I felt to my husband, my kids and my Lord, I have hurt the very gifts that God gave me. Praise God for you, Robyn. Praying for you and your sweet family.

    Well done, Sonya. May the truth of what you’ve written hear change lives with the truth of Jesus Christ.

  • Debbie
    Posted at 17:30h, 20 March Reply

    PTL! This is wonderful news. I have been praying for them. I’ve struggled with control for my entire life. Just when I think I’ve “learned” I am right back to trying to be in “charge” of every detail of my life. It never works. It’s never the outcome I hope for. Keep the articles coming, Sonya. You are reaching people, you have no idea the impact you are having. Thankful for Robyn and her precious husband Dan and the girls, too. Wonderful story of trusting God no matter what.

  • Bill
    Posted at 17:33h, 20 March Reply

    Praising the Lord for His faithfulness. Wonderful article and wonderful update. Thank you, Sonya. I am a control freak that is married to a “Robyn”. We are something else trying to “control” our lives. What a joke. It never works. Only trusting God can change anything.

    Sonya, you have a beautiful voice. You have an annointing on your ministry unlike ANYTHING that I’ve witnessed in the last decade. You are under attack, I’m sure. But do not lose heart. Keep doing what you are doing. I am an old man and even us “old” people need to deal with our crud. Jesus is using you to open people’s hearts. Don’t quit!

  • Michelle
    Posted at 17:42h, 20 March Reply

    Wonderful news! Thank you for the update. Our bible study group has been praying. What a wonderful testimony of trusting God. All of us struggle with wanting to be in control. I lost my marriage because I could not give up control. I drove him away into the arms of another woman. It was painful but through that experience the Lord has taught me so many things. Things I didn’t know I held on to. It was painful but worth it.

    Dear Sonya, I don’t know you but I feel like I do. You are so “real” and you seem so fearless yet tender-hearted. I have listened to your music on YouTube and it just ministers to my heart so much. I praise God for your heart as you continue to serve God by serving us.

  • Joanie
    Posted at 17:46h, 20 March Reply

    I am thankful for Robyn’s news. I am hurting for my own. I did not get that word. I have been struggling. Last September I was diagnosed with cancer and I have prayed and prayed but nothing is happening. I continue to get weaker and weaker. I want to believe but I’m afraid that I am losing hope. It’s hard when the Lord CAN heal us but He chooses not to.

    I love your version of “Oceans”, Sonya. It’s truly beautiful. I listen to it over and over as I’m sitting there getting chemo. Please pray for me as I too am waiting to hear, “You’re in remission.”

  • 3crewdo
    Posted at 17:48h, 20 March Reply

    Praise the Lord! He is so good. Wonderful news for the Brown’s.

    Sonya, I just want you to know that we have used your testimony to share the gospel through our out-reach services at church. We have had many decisions as a result. You have a powerful story. I can’t imagine what you’ve been through.

  • Tara
    Posted at 17:56h, 20 March Reply

    Thank you for the update. Praise the Lord!

    Sonya, we have used your video to share the gospel in our outreach services at church. We have had many decisions and I wanted you to know that. Take the love and encouragement from our hearts and keep pressing on. You have so much to do for your King. He loves you and you can’t begin to know the impact your message of “blame, guilt and unforgiveness” is having on so many. All of us struggle with these things. Dealing with our crud is something that we aren’t good at in the church. God has gifted you with a unique ability to share openly but also in a soul-piercing truth that when we hear you, we KNOW that it can only be GOD who speaks. That is a miracle. You are a miracle. His miracle.

  • Courtney
    Posted at 19:17h, 20 March Reply

    Praise the Lord. Thanks for the update, Sonya!

    Great blog. Love your music, too.

  • Lisa007
    Posted at 19:26h, 20 March Reply

    This is really great news! I loved this article. It was right on. I have struggled with having to have control as well. It can damage all relationships if you don’t get it “under control”.

    Pray for me as I deal with my crud and try to lay all of it down. (Love your song, Sonya…”Lay It Down”)

  • Robyn Brown
    Posted at 01:36h, 21 March Reply

    As I have read through so many entries and I see the struggles, I would say just one thing. Cry out to God and lay all frustrations down. I can’t tell you how free I really do feel. I BEG you to please let go of the control and allow God to guide your steps. I have lived the past 3 years with my life spinning out of control with a move, daughter who has made some poor choices, another who resented a move, I have had 2 surgeries 7 months a part, and a husband battling cancer! Can I tell you I have never felt so at peace and so loved. God has shown me his ways are perfect and I couldn’t fix a thing. When I let go and allowed God to Work I truly understand that peace that passes all understanding! God is Faithful in all things. Trust him! Look for the good in life and for his blessings. By the world’s standards, I have had a curse placed on my life for the last 3 years. I see it as God has been teaching me and loving me as I allowed him to mold and shape me. I am forever grateful for the last 3 years because I have been changed forever! I really don’t want that control again. I would rather walk daily with Jesus taking care of it. Ask my sweet Dan. He feels the same way! We now understand why God has allowed things to happen in our lives and we would do it again! I’m praying for you all. Robyn Brown

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