“I’ve been struggling with drinking and I can’t stop. I’ve tried everything and no matter what I do, I always turn to the drink to ease my pain. My husband has thrown me out and I’m no longer able to see my kids and all I want to do is drink. I’m staying in my grandmother’s basement. That’s how far I’ve fallen. Even though I’ve lost everything, all I want to do is drink.
I had been thinking about killing myself, planning it out actually. Trying to decide which way would be easiest and the fastest. I just wanted it to be over. The pain, the hurt, seeing the disappointment in my husbands eyes. I told myself that my kids would be better off without me for their mother. I was on the internet and it said, “Fifty Shades of Grace” and somehow I found you. I watched your story. It made me cry.
When I was 15, our next door neighbor touched me for the first time. I wasn’t afraid because I had what I thought was love feelings for this man. He was kind to me. He paid attention to the things that mattered to me and he made me feel things I never felt before. He told me that I was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. I was hooked. Unlike you, I was a willing participant but one day he made me do something that hurt me. I told him “no” but he said that I was probably too immature to handle a ‘real grown up’ relationship. I panicked.
When I begged him not to end it, he said that ‘if I loved him I would want to do anything that made him feel good.’ After that, he always wanted to inflict pain with the sex. I did what he wanted because I believed he loved me and we would be together.
A year later I caught him with a girl from down the street. I stood there in tears and all they did was laugh at me. He said, “I found someone better.” I believed him.
That’s the day that I started drinking. There was a party and I had my first taste and I never looked back. Since that happened, I have been trying to prove that I’m “better”. Better, prettier, smarter, more successful. I pushed myself to be a better wife, a better mom, better daughter and when I couldn’t be “better” the drink made me feel better.
Your story was hard but comforting at the same time. I’m not religious. I think I believed that if you were good enough, good things would happen to you. I didn’t have a belief in God. I guess I never thought about it.
When you shared about having to get real with God and telling Jesus the truth. Something inside of me knew that what you were saying was true. I haven’t wanted to listen to anyone for a long time. I heard you, Sonya. I felt like you were speaking directly to me.
You talked about Jesus taking you. I didn’t believe anyone would take me. Not after all I’ve done wrong. But then I thought if you can be forgiven after sleeping with all those men, than I know that there is hope for me. You believe what you are saying, Sonya, and somehow I know it’s true. He will take me.
I asked Jesus to forgive me and to help me quit drinking. I had like a wave of peace flow over me. You don’t know how hard it is to trust someone. Well you probably do. I know that I need Jesus in my life. I believe that he will take me.
I don’t know what will happen. I’m scared to mess it up. At least I’m not alone. Will you pray for me that I will stop drinking and get to see my kids?”
So, here’s a few of my thoughts.
#1 Most of the time when a person is hurt, it’s by someone they KNOW. It’s important to remember to communicate with our kids and keep that conversation on – going, so that they understand that no one is allowed to touch them in any private places on their bodies (unless it is a medical situation with a physician, diaper changes when kids are little, etc.) but you as the parent would be involved and know what’s happening. NO ONE should EVER touch your child in their private parts.
#2 Groomers methodically identify a “need” in a person, usually someone weaker, and then manipulate themselves into that person’s life, thus making it seem as though they are meeting that person’s deepest need. Once they are entrenched within that persons life, they use ANYTHING to gain control, get what they want, maintain control and abuse that person.
#3 As parents, we need to be as involved in the care of our kids. We MUST NEVER leave that up to someone else. It’s our responsibility. I would never allow my boys to be with another adult alone, without other kids being there or more than one adult. I work with kids a lot. I would never drive a student alone in the car by myself or be in a room with the door shut, alone with a child. I hear all the time from people that say, “I found Uncle Louie in my son’s room at 2AM.” Um, excuse me but NO! There is NO reason for Uncle Louie or anyone else to be in a child’s room late at night with the lights off…
#4 The reason that sexual abuse is so devastating is because it happens at the hands of someone who should’ve known better but didn’t do better by you. It’s the ultimate betrayal. A family member, a teacher, a pastor, a family friend should never hurt us, right? WRONG! Sin is everywhere.
Even within us at times. We are capable of ANYTHING. The moment we forget that or treat that as “IMPOSSIBLE” or “NOT ME” we are doomed. We can take every precaution and still SIN is here. That doesn’t mean we give up, though!
#5 Addiction is HARD. Period. It’s difficult and in my ministry, I find that the reason that people continue to struggle with their addiction is because they have CRUD that they never dealt with.
Alcohol is the most common abused substance in the United States. Women develop alcohol addictions more quickly than men.
Pain Killers/Prescription Medications – A person can develop a dependence on these drugs in as little as two days; 2 DAYS!!!
Pornography – About 1 in 5 women use the Internet for sexual purposes habitually—every week. In 2016, a popular pornography website got 23 BILLION visits. That’s 729 people a second, or 64 million a day and…1 in 3 visitors to adult websites are WOMEN!
Sin, crud, hurt, betrayal, abuse, lies, adultery, divorce, pain and the desire to never be hurt again has taken over our lives to the point that we are trapped in the CRUD. I’m NOT surprised that pornography is the “new drug”. I’m not surprised that it’s captured our attention, our minds and our hearts. I’m not surprised that men and women would choose this form of stimulant over opening their heart up for more hurt and pain. Pornography has ZERO commitment. You get that – not having to make a commitment is the ultimate protection from getting hurt. Right? Also, it’s an efficient way to get what I want – NOW!
#6 “…if you can be forgiven after sleeping with all those men, than I know that there is hope for me.” OUCH! I get what she’s saying but OUCH!!! Why do I even mention this? Because you all need to know that I struggle with feeling shame because of what I did, even though most of that was done “to me.” I was there and I participated. I had feelings of guilt because at times, it did feel good. Because God designed our bodies that way, I felt shame because only “dirty” girls would “like” it and the man who sold me and raped me used that arousal against me – physically and emotionally. Make no mistake. Groomers KNOW what they are doing. They are master manipulators.
#7 I understand the desire to want to be “BETTER”. I feel her words right in my heart. Wanting to be BETTER but never feeling like you’re better. I think a lot of us can relate to that statement. Right? What she wanted was to be loved. ALL OF US want THAT! For those that are running from their past and using ANYTHING to help them to forget that pain, the next hit, the next cut, the next orgasm, or the next drink…there IS a “BETTER” drink.
Jesus is the ONLY thing that will EVER satisfy our need to be loved. Give it up. Let it go. Lay it down. With Jesus – ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE!